Developing…

Developing…

]]> http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2012/01/23/egan-foote-attends-important-meeting/feed/ 0 foote NUP_145538_0361_595 http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/egan-foote-sits-and-contemplates-vote-in-south-carolina-republican-primary/ http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/egan-foote-sits-and-contemplates-vote-in-south-carolina-republican-primary/#comments Sat, 21 Jan 2012 19:09:39 +0000 foote http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2012/01/21/egan-foote-sits-and-contemplates-vote-in-south-carolina-republican-primary/ ]]> Charleston, SC — Egan Foote sat and took some time to contemplate his vote in Saturday’s Republican Primary in South Carolina.  Foote, who is actually a registered member of the Foote Party, a third party created by his brother Daniel in 1987, is taking advantage of South Carolina’s open primary process to cast a vote in today’s contest.

Today’s vote will be the third for Foote, who owns homes in both Des Moines, Iowa and Portsmouth, New Hampshire, where he has registered as a Republican to take part in both nominating contests.  ”I plan to vote in as many Republican Primaries as I can,” said Foote after being questioned leaving a showing of Adam Sandler’s ‘Jack and Jill’ at a Charleston theater.  ”My bank robbery settlement money has helped.  I am currently buying homes in each and every state in the United States.”

When asked about the candidates, Foote remarked “I like what I’ve heard about Newt Gingrich.  According to Newt Gingrich, that guy is really great.  I didn’t know much about Santorum, so I recently Googled him.  I, uh, liked what I saw.  Even though we are old friends from childhood, I think Mitt Romney is a douchebag.”

Developing…

Update: Hot Foote reader ‘MISM’ submitted the following photo of a candlelight vigil in Taiwan.

Update II: A Hot Foote reader sent in the following photo of Egan Foote on an Amtrak train to Richmond, Virginia, where he was scheduled to appear on a morning radio show.

Update III: Hot Foote has confirmed that Egan Foote is in fact alive and well.  The photo appearing earlier turns out to be of Foote’s cousin, Evan Foote, who was apparently beaten by an Egan Foote fan after Evan claimed to be the “greatest living Foote”.

Developing…

Egan on Set

Egan touring the Swan Station

Egan arriving on the Island

Namaste

Egan visiting the Pearl Station

Developing…

Developing…

]]> http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2011/12/22/rumor-egan-foote-working-on-queer-eye-for-the-straight-guy-reboot/feed/ 0 foote 2003jbctdk_ls_01 3600730 http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2011/12/22/hot-footes-christmas-wish-bring-back-the-nine/ http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2011/12/22/hot-footes-christmas-wish-bring-back-the-nine/#comments Thu, 22 Dec 2011 00:35:36 +0000 foote http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/?p=774 ]]>

Developing…

]]> http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/breaking-us-military-recruits-egan-foote-to-battle-giant-eggbert-foote/feed/ 0 foote bonita-friedericy-and-john-billingsley-talk-044 http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2011/09/14/report-sarah-palin-and-egan-foote-had-a-one-night-stand/ http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2011/09/14/report-sarah-palin-and-egan-foote-had-a-one-night-stand/#comments Wed, 14 Sep 2011 15:59:10 +0000 foote http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/?p=745 ]]> Wasilla, Alaska — Hot Foote editors received an advance copy of author Joe McGinniss’ upcoming book The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin.  While the book is filled with juicy details about the reality TV star and half-term governor, including the revelation of a tryst with former NBA star Glen Rice, perhaps the most shocking revelation is of an alleged one-night stand with The Nine star and insurance processor Egan Foote.

According to reports, Palin picked up a hitchhiking Foote after Foote had been shot at from a helicopter filled with “hunters” mistaking him for a gray wolf.

In a GQ Magazine interview with Foote shortly after the incident, Foote indicated he had just finished an interview with the WJUN-AM Juneau morning show, The Morning Igloo with John “Moose” Walters, and was wearing a station t-shirt with the WJUN “The Wolf” logo on it.  Shortly after walking out of the WJUN studios, Foote was shot at several times, one bullet striking him in the left calf.  Foote then recounted limping for miles (with a brief stop at a local IHOP) before being picked up by Palin, who spotted the exhausted Foote with his thumb out.

Foote refused to provide any details after that, but McGinniss’ book includes interview with friends and family of Palin who confirmed a brief relationship between the two.

Developing…

Update: An astute Hot Foote Reader wrote in to point out that there is a striking similarity between Palin’s youngest son, Trig, and Egan Foote.  Decide for yourself!

Disclaimer: Hot Foote, Inc. is currently involved in litigation against Todd Palin for an Iditarod sponsorship breach of contract issue.

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads This blog is doing awesome!.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 9,200 times in 2010. That’s about 22 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 16 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 139 posts. There were 27 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 2mb. That’s about 2 pictures per month.

The busiest day of the year was February 19th with 76 views. The most popular post that day was Breaking: Egan Foote Mugged for iPhone.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were mariaozawa2u.blogspot.com, student-loan-consilidation.com, refinancing-home.student-loan-consilidation.com, studentloansinterest.org, and tips-tools-tutorials.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for iphone, john billingsley, the scream painting, happy birthday funny, and famous painting.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

Breaking: Egan Foote Mugged for iPhone July 2007
1 comment

Happy Birthday to Egan Foote! May 2009

Reuters: Egan Foote Identified as Mastermind Behind Theft of Edward Munch’s “The Scream” June 2007
2 comments

Egan Announces 1/4 Point Rate Cut November 2007
6 comments

Foote Pens Open Letter to Portland June 2007
2 comments

Update: Police are reporting that a suspect, Albuquerque resident James Stroyman, was arrested earlier today.  When asked for a comment, Mr. Stroyman repeatedly muttered “too soon,” apparently in reference to the timing of Foote’s Pearl Harbor humor.

Developing…

Not known for his follow-through, Egan mounted an impressive insurgent campaign, coordinating a behind-the-scenes campaign operation consisting mostly of members of the Foote clan who have never before been involved in FFAA politics, known affectionately by Egan as his so-called ‘Foote Soldiers.’  The Foote Soldiers spent the last year knocking on thousands of doors and regaling FFAA members with embarrassing stories and photographs of incumbent Daniel Foote.  To say that Egan ran a negative campaign would be an understatement; he stayed away from discussing the issues, which, as Egan admits, “I don’t know shit about!” instead focusing on destroying his opponent, brother Daniel.  A sampling of some of the photographs distributed to FFAA members appears below.

Daniel was quick to claim that the photographs were doctored, but the damage had been done.  Despite overseeing the largest period of growth in FFAA history and being considered a master of the FFA budget, Egan’s negative campaigning was simply too effective.  Daniel called Egan immediately following his victory, congratulating him and informing him that “mom says its your turn to take out the trash.”

As for his plans for office, President Foote said that details as to his agenda would come, but that his first order of business was to look into a merger with the Rios Family Association of (Latin) America, adding that he looked forward to working “long nights” with RFA(L)A President Franny Rios.  “Hubba Hubba!” exclaimed Foote.

Developing…

Foote: … and that is why Altavista search is better than Google.

DJ Fromunda: Compelling stuff, Egan.  Even though I’m pretty sure Alta Vista is long gone, you did make an interesting case.  So to all our listeners out there: if you are looking to search for images of Scott Wolf, Altavista is the place to go.

Foote: It’s Scotty Wolf, DJ  Rotunda.

DJ Fromunda: That’s DJ Fromunda.  Jeez!  Anyway, moving on, I understand that you have taken a great interest in the BP oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico?

Foote: Indeed I have.  The moment images of birds covered in oil began to appear on the intertubes, I was so affected… I… uh… became… uh… obsessed with this atrocity.

DJ Fromunda: Indeed.  I think I can speak for the entire morning zoo team when I say we were all moved by these images.  [cowbell sound].

Foote: I get… uh… angry just thinking about it!  Who the fuck do these animals think they are stealing OUR oil.  OUR oil!!!

DJ Fromunda: Egan, I gotta interrupt you here.  I’m not so sure we share the same feelings about why this oil spill is so bad…

Foote: Let me guess, Katunga, you are on the animals’ side? Well, if you love animals so much why don’t you marry them?  [wipes sweat from forehead]

DJ Fromunda: Egan, I don’t think I’m in the minority here.  I think a lot of people are upset for the same reason…

Foote: Did you see these animals?  They are covered in oil.  Covered. In. Oil!  That’s not their oil, those greedy bastards.

DJ Fromunda: Uh, I think you are misundertanding…

Foote: We’ll be back after a word from our sponsors.

DJ Fromunder: That’s my li…

Foote: Fuck pelicans, fuck turtles, fuck YOU! Egan, out!

Developing…

“I was wandering around and came across this cave, brutha,” said Desmond.  “I noticed a number of names I recognized – the older brother from Party of Five, that Korean guy who one day started speaking almost perfect English out of nowhere, the fat guy, Curley or something, that stole the ranch dressing that one time, etc. – when I saw a name I had seen several times before: Foote.”

Desmond decided to snap this picture and send it to the Hot Foote tip line, connecting his iPhone to the Dharma Initiative’s island-wide WiFi connection and correctly guessing their network password (“HurleysCheeseburger”).

However, Desmond’s detective work was not yet done.

“As a regular reader of Hot Foote, brutha, I knew that there are many Footes, brutha.  Was it, in fact, our favorite insurance processor, Egan, brutha? Or is it referring to Eggbert, Egan’s brutha, brutha, who, according to island lore, spent time on the island and obtained his distinctive facial scars from a massive electromagnetic explosion, brutha?  I decided to find out.  I made my way to a lighthouse I had discovered, brutha, went to the top, brutha, and turned a wheel to the name ‘Foote’… brutha.”

“As it turned out, brutha, turning the wheel allows a person to view images from another individual’s life.  After spending a few voyeuristic moments watching my love, Pinny, take a shower, I found myself looking at images of the insurance processor himself.  The Foote in question was, in fact, oldest brother Egan!  I have enclosed a picture from the lighthouse, brutha.”

At this time, Foote may or may not know that he is one of Jacob’s candidates, a situation that may prove awkward considering Foote’s long time friendship with another island inhabitant, the Smoke Monster.

Developing…

Sent in by loyal Hot Foote reader GMacnamara1987@aol.com from Syracuse, NY….

*** SPOILER ALERT: If you plan to watch the Cornell v. Kentucky basketball game on CBS tonight, do not read any further.   While CBS claims to air live games, that is actually not the case and we already know the outcome of tonight’s matchup.

To: Editors at Hot Foote

From: Gerry

Subject: Cornell v. Kentucky

———————————————-

Cornell was moments away from shocking the world against top-ranked Kentucky, leading by 1 with 3 seconds to go.   After a miss by Kentucky guard Eric Bledsoe, 7-foot Big Red center Jeff Foote grabbed the rebound with 3.2 seconds left on the clock.   Inexplicably, his 5th cousin once removed – Egan Foote – ripped the ball out of his hands and laid it up into his own goal as time expired.   A stunned crowd sat in silence for 45 minutes before organizing a mass suicide into Ithaca’s famed Gorges.

Cornell did not publish media guides for the 2009-2010 season so I don’t know much about him as a basketball player, but man did Egan screw this one up royally.

Gerry

PS: You guys still want to hit up the Red Lobster off Route 79 on Sunday?

PPS: I was able to snap this picture with my Motorola Razr.

Oh eegs.  You have really done it again.

*UPDATE* – Apparently Egan is not on the Cornell Basketball team.   Reserve forward Mark Coury was found hog tied in the locker room with his jersey missing.   Senior guard Louis Dale seemed to suggest that Egan sabotaged his cousin Jeff intentionally as retribution for a 1986 incident involving the destruction of Egan’s lego creations and damages to his beloved Voltron figurine.

When the Academy decided to honor Horton, it invited his eldest son, Egan, to the Oscar ceremony.  We had the opportunity to interview Mr. Foote on the red carpet.  A portion of that interview appears below.

Egan Foote: J Lo! J Lo!  It’s me, Egan Foote.  Remember the Bahamas? J Lo! J…

Hot Foote: Mr. Foote, sorry to interrupt, but I wanted to see if you could give me a few minutes…

Egan Foote: You’re from that tabloid site Hot Foote, aren’t you?  You guys have… uh… published many fabrications about me over the years! (Wipes sweat from forehead).  For example, I was mugged for my Reebok Pumps, not my Air Jordans!

Hot Foote: We verify every story we publish, Mr. Foote.  Besides, if you have such a problem with our site, why have you contributed to it on many occasions?

Egan Foote: Ah, you see, I … uh… thought I was contributing to Cat Fancy Magazine’s world wide web site.

Hot Foote: I see.  So, you are here to honor your late father, Horton Foote.

Egan Foote: Indeed I am.  My father was a brilliant writer.  If only he could have written Eggbert’s genetic code to make him not such a fucking douchebag! HONK HONK!

Hot Foote: Well, nobody’s perfect.

Egan Foote: I beg to differ.  Have you met Franny Rios? Hubba hubba!

Hot Foote: In fact I have.  I actually started as an intern in the Franny Rios division of Hot Foote.  But I digress.  Is this your first time at the Academy Awards?

Egan Foote: No.  First time I was… uh… invited, though.  You may remember one of my previous appearances, however.  Do you remember the Academy Awards streaker?

Hot Foote: That was you?

Egan Foote: Indeeed it… uh… was.  Check out this picture.

Hot Foote: And you just carry that around in your wallet with you?

Egan Foote: Ummm, yes.  Honk Honk!

Developing…

Foote: … so, as you can see, my arrest for threats against the Australian Prime Minister was nothing more than a big misunderstanding.

DJ Danger Dylan: It sure sounds like it!

DJ Loco Larry: Sorry to interrupt you there, Danger [cowbell sound rings repeatedly], but we are getting some breaking news over the wire that former British Labour party leader Michael Foot has passed away.

DJ Danger Dylan: Sad news, Larry [plays toilet flushing sound].  Sad news!

Foote: Umm… you, uh, mind if I interject here? I’d like to make a statement from… uh… one Foote to another…

DJ Danger Dylan: Foote to Foote, I like that [plays airhorn]!

Foote: Thank you, Mr. Ranger.  I do not know former Labour party leader Michael Foot… but… uh… I also did not know my brother Daniel! Or my brother John, so I am by no means a foot expert! Perhaps I need to study up on my podiatry! HONK HONK!!!!!  So, on behalf of Michael’s family, I want to thank everyone for the outpouring of love and support we have…

DJ Loco Larry: [interrupts with buzzer sound] Whoa whoa, Egan.  I don’t think you are related to this guy.  As you have reminded me repeatedly, you spell Foote with an E…

Foote: That I do…

DJ Loco Larry: … but there is no E in Michael’s last name.

Egan: Hmmm, are you, uh, sure you are reading that right? Remember, the E is silent so you may have missed it.

DJ Loco Larry: The headline is “Former Labour leader Michael Foot dies.”

Foote: A-ha!! But look – this article is… ummm (wipes sweat from forehead)… riddled with spelling errors.  They spell Labor with a U… a U!!! On that note, please let me continue.

DJ Danger Dylan: Whatever you say, Egan [sound of tiger growling plays]

Foote: Thank you.  So, as I was saying, we are touched by the outpouring of support the Foote family has received after our loss.  Foote by Foote, Step by Step.  Egan knows where Egan goes.  Find the Foote! (and tell it to rest in peace).  Egan, out!

DJ Loco Larry: We’ll be right back after this commercial break.

Warning: spoilers

Little known ice dancing tandem Foote-Rios has just shocked the world by taking olympic gold in Ice Dancing at the Vancouver games.   A stunned crowd looked on as the “Nine (minus Seven)” duo – a self-given name which was glued to their leotards in bright purple sequins -  put on the Ice Dance of a lifetime and snatched the gold from favored countrymen Nita Belbin and Ben Agosto.

A heaving and sweat-drenched Foote challenged that notion immediately in the post-competition interview.

“Ah, I… uhh… (honk)… I don’t really see how you can say such a thing!   I am the only American in my group.   I mean, uhh, just look at Franny.   Miami?   Maybe.   I get that, I guess.   But a cursory Askjeeves.com search will show you just how Cuban she really…. [voice tails off as Ice Dancing organizers seize the mic from Foote]“

Belbin and Agosto, along with the competitors from eight other nations, immediately filed suit to have the results nullified.

When reached for comment, Foote questioned the pair’s motives.

“Uhhh…. ahhh… (HONK!!!!!!)…. wait a second.   We’re supposed to believe that someone named “NITA” is an American?   Ok, good laugh.   You’re killin’ ole Egan!   She’s part of the Communist Red…. [voice trails off as Ice Dancing organizers realize Foote had removed the sock placed in his mouth earlier and attempt to cover him up once more]“

The Ice Dancing fiasco has once again underscored numerous logistical shortcomings with the Vancouver Games.

DEVELOPING….

However, recent information has come to light that reveals there may have been two additional Foote brothers that were previously unknown.  Earlier this month, Hot Foote received an anonymous tip that there was in fact a fourth Foote brother, who was deceased.  And now, one of Hot Foote’s loyal readers, submitted the following photograph of a Mr. John Foote.

Rumors have swirled for years about a reclusive Foote brother named John, but such rumors have remained unverified.

Mother Foote has no comment when contacted about this story.

We will continue to update this story as more information becomes available…

Update: A brave Hot Foote reader decided to approach the home of John Foote and was able to snap the following picture, which is the only known picture in existence purporting to show the face of the reclusive John Foote.  As you can see, the Hot Foote reader had to quickly run after being greeted by Mr. Foote with a gun.

When asked about the incident, Foote replied, “I… uh… thought they were… uh… just trying to put out the fire still raging in my underpants.  What is waterboarding?”  After being informed of the practice, most recently used on suspected terrorists, Foote shouted “I am not a terrier! I am a man!  Plus, I’m a cat lover! Egan, out!

Developing…

Developing…

A photograph of Foote in Austin, Texas moments before boarding his flight.

A Hot Foote source aboard a United Air flight from Austin, Texas to Denver, Colorado submitted the following photograph of insurance processor Egan Foote being brutally beaten by passengers after his underwear caught aflame early this morning.  Authorities are still trying to figure out how Mr. Foote’s undergarments caught fire, but sources close to Hot Foote (who have asked to remain anonymous discussing a sensitive national security matter) have hinted that officials are ruling out terrorism.

When asked for comment, Foote declared “I’m… uh… innocent! Order in the court! Can someone please get me some Gold Bond medicate powder? My balls are on fire!”

Passengers have been on edge since the failed Christmas Day attack by Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab, the s0-called “Underwear Bomber,” who attempted to detonate explosives he had smuggled on the plane in his underwear.

“Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab?” said Mr. Foote when questioned by reporters outside of Denver International Airport.  “There was an Umar Farouk Abdul Moskowitz in my college fraternity [Lambda Lambda Lambda], but I have never met Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab!  I know Eggbert is somehow behind this!”

Foote was released after questioning by Transportation Safety Administration officials.  His underwear was sent to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC for testing.

Developing…

When Foote learned that he was not, in fact, on the guest list and that Bo Obama does not have any power to extend invitations to White House functions, Foote responded “we’ll see about that,” pulled out a Blackberry and claimed to send Bo Obama a text message.

This is not the first time that Mr. Foote crashed an event to which he was not invited, as Mr. Foote was spotted in the buffet line of a wedding to which he received no invitation, while Foote’s DNA crashed a container of ranch dressing.

Developing…

Update: Hot Foote has obtained the following video of an inebriated Foote disrupting President Obama’s speech to dance and take shots of whiskey.

Foote grabs a microphone on his way up to the stage.

A young woman accepts Foote's request for fellatio.

Still trying to remove Foote's belt...

... and it's off.

And Egan's pants fall to his Feete.

NSFW

All done.

Foote and the unnamed woman were finally removed from the stage and taken to the local police precinct.

Too bad for Egan Foote that George W. Bush is not President any more.  The insurance processor, who has a history of run-ins with the law, was given a blanket pardon by the 43rd President earlier this year for acts both “known and unknown.”  However, while the pardon may have cleared Foote of his past criminal record, the pardon did not cover acts perpetrated after the pardon.  And as Hot Foote readers know, that list is already long and growing.  Foote’s record since the pardon includes:

• Making numerous threats against a Nintendo customer service agent
• Briefly joining up with the Somali pirates
• Participating in the Iranian election protests
• Causing a riot at a West Philadelphia nursing home
• Disrupting President Obama’s address to a joint session of Congress
• Disorderly Conduct at Cat Fancy Magazine’s annual Awards Show

And now we can add lewd and lascivious conduct to the list.

Developing…

Update I: Several Hot Foote readers have written in with their pictures from the event.  If you were there and have any information and/or pictures or video, please contact Hot Foote.

Update II: The New York Times has picked up on this developing story…

Update III: A Hot Foote reader submitted the following pictures of Foote returning the favor to another member of the audience…

The event was set to honor 2009′s winner, Foote’s brother Eggbert Foote, and present lifetime achievement awards to  singer Cat Stevens, the mayor of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, the talking cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and Keenan Thompson.  However, just as Cat Fancy reached the point in the program where it was to begin honoring those cats who had passed away during the preceding year, an intoxicated Egan Foote stormed the stage with an unidentified woman, speaking unintelligibly while drinking whiskey straight from a bottle and sporting a t-shirt that read: “Silence = Death. It is the purrrfect time to end Feline AIDS!”

While many in attendance seemed pleased at first (speaking to the popularity of Mr. Foote in the cat community), security eventually detained Mr. Foote and handed him over to the police.

Update: Hot Foote has obtained exclusive video of the incident at the Cat Fancy Magazine Awards, shot on his camera phone by longtime Hot Foote reader kriegos, who was in attendance at the time of the incident.

]]> http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2009/12/02/egan-foote-fails-to-win-third-cat-owner-of-the-year-award-disrupts-cat-fancy-magazine-awards-ceremony/feed/ 1 foote RIMG0098 http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/exclusive-gawker-obsessed-with-egan-foote/ http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/exclusive-gawker-obsessed-with-egan-foote/#comments Mon, 23 Nov 2009 22:04:46 +0000 foote http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/?p=522 ]]> Don’t believe us? Just check out these headlines…

Someone at Gawker Media needs to update their stock foote-age, as any Hot Foote reader would know that the above is not Egan Foote.  Mr. Foote appears below.

Developing…

Developing…

Egan Foote with friends Edward Kennedy and John F. Kennedy.

While the country is mourning the loss of Senator Edward Kennedy, the man commonly referred to as the “Lion of the Senate,” Egan Foote was asked about his thoughts on Worcester, Massachusetts’ WXLO morning radio show.  A transcript of Foote’s appearance appears below.

Foote: … and that’s why I agree with the decision to release the Lockerbie bomber.

DJ Kool Ken: Very interesting, Egan.  You’ve given our audience a lot to ponder.  Now I’d like to move on to health care reform.  A bill currently… I’m sorry, we just received some breaking news that our very own Senator Ted Kennedy has passed away after his fight with brain cancer.  Mr. Foote, any thoughts on this shocking news?

Foote: Well… uh… I don’t want to be insensitive, but Mr. Kennedy was probably asking for it when he brought a lion into the Senate.  Lions are wild animals.  I know Mr. Kennedy is a tough man, but no man can defend himself against a wild lion…

DJ Kool Ken: Let me just interrupt you there.  He didn’t bring a lion into the Senate, that is actually just…

Foote: Let me interrupt YOU there.  Was this a trained lion?

DJ Kool Ken: Egan, just listen for a moment.  He is often referred to as the “Lion of the Senate.”

Foote: Feel free to defend Ted Kennedy’s animal cruelty all you… uh… want, but I will not sit here and be a part of this! I am an animal lover.  Were you aware that I was Cat Fancy Magazine’s Cat Owner Of The Year? That’s right, I got the COOTY! Now listen, Ted Kennedy has been a close friend of mine for decades, but I simply cannot stand for what he did to that poor poor lion.  Egan, out!

DJ Kool: Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Kennedy family.  We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

Developing…

The nightly Bingo game started calmly, with guest caller Egan Foote reading the rules.

"B... uh... 11. B... uh... 11!"

John realizing he's made an error...

The chaos begins...

Foote after being hit in the face with the "Murder She Wrote" DVD boxset thrown by one of the angry nursing home residents.

Developing…

Egan Foote with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il

Developing…

Update: According to sources, Foote secured the journalists’ release by trading his brother, Eggbert Foote.

Update II: Correcting a previous report, Egan Foote did not exchange his brother Eggbert Foote for the release of Laura Ling and Euna Lee.  In fact, he traded brother Daniel Foote.

]]> http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2009/08/05/breaking-egan-foote-negotiates-the-release-of-journalists-laura-ling-and-euna-lee-from-north-korean-prison/feed/ 0 foote r439502794 http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2009/07/23/developing-egan-foote-stops-man-from-stealing-mona-lisa-from-louvre-museum/ http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2009/07/23/developing-egan-foote-stops-man-from-stealing-mona-lisa-from-louvre-museum/#comments Thu, 23 Jul 2009 19:16:00 +0000 foote http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/?p=481 ]]> Hot Foote reader “johnnybiolts” sent in the below picture showing Egan Foote breaking the arm of an alleged art thief who was attempting to steal Leonardo Da Vinci’s famous painting The Mona Lisa.

Update: Sources are reporting that the supposed art thief was in fact a museum curator.  Mr. Foote has been taken into custody by French police and charged with assault.

Developing…

After a rough start to the hearing – Foote took a short nap during Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy’s opening remarks; suffered a large rip in his pants causing him to shout “my pantaloons!”; accidentally started a small fire in the Senate chambers; and took a cell phone call from close friend Scott “Scotty” Wolf – Foote patiently sat through the Committee members’ opening statements before moving on to questions.  While most Senators were skeptical of Foote from the moment he was named as Barack Obama’s Supreme Court choice, legal experts believe Foote made significant progress in winning over many of the Senators who questioned his nomination.  Republican Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa Twittered “Luv the Foote.  Cn I vot yes rit now?”  And when asked about his thoughts on Foote’s qualifications, Republican Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama replied “well he’s white, so that’s a start.”

Some other highlights from the hearing:

• When questioned by South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, Foote repeatedly replied to one of the Committee’s only two female members, Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar, apparently confused by Graham’s first name and, according to Foote, “lady voice.”
• When asked about his thoughts on a specific aspect of the penal code, Foote became irate and demanded that he and Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold “take this outside.”
• When pressed on his position on Roe v. Wade, Foote indicated his intention of performing a “150th trimester abortion” on his brother Eggbert.
• Foote listed his legal influences as being Judge Judy, Judge Reinhold, American Idol finalist Clay Aiken, and Supreme Court Justice Benjamin Cardozo.
• When asked about any possible biases Foote might bring to the court, Foote immediately answered, “bank robbers, I fucking hate bank robbers.”

Most analysts expect Foote to be confirmed to the United States Supreme Court by a wide margin.

Developing…

Foote marching with supporters.

While information has been difficult to come by due to the government’s crackdown on all forms of media, Foote supporters, and Mr. Foote himself, have been creative in finding ways to disseminate their message.  In addition to carrier pigeon and sky-writing, Foote supporters have taken to Twitter.  Below is a sampling of Twitter messages obtained by Hot Foote:

- “Mr. Foote was rightful winner of election.  Damn, 140 characters already? This suc”

- “I switched my vote from Ahmadenijaad to Foote after endorsement from Eggbert”

- “It is time we take to the streets.  Would you rather be ruled by an iron fist or a soft Foote?”

Foote became an Iranian citizen in 2008 after accidentally wandering into the home of Ayatollah Khomeini, a huge fan of ABC’s The Nine.

Developing…

Our contacts reported a low-key affair with only two fellow stars of the hit ABC show The Nine present (Tim Daly & Chi McBride – no comment from Franny Rios’ PR person).

Our contact was able to snap a photo of the cake that Tim & Chi prepared for Egan:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EGAN!

Hot Foote’s Mogadishu office sent along the following pictures…

Developing…

Egan Foote moments after a headbutt from Kiefer Sutherland.

New York, New York — Multiple sources are reporting that actor Kiefer Sutherland landed a vicious headbutt on insurance processor Egan Foote at a party at the Mercer Hotel following the Met Costume Institute Gala.  According to witnesses at the scene, Foote approached Mr. Sutherland and began to thank him for “keeping this country safe from evildoers.”  After informing Mr. Foote several times that he was not, in fact, counterterrorism agent Jack Bauer from the fictional television program 24, Sutherland asked Mr. Foote to leave him alone, shouting: “There isn’t any time!! You are going to have to trust me!!”  When Egan persisted, repeatedly referring to himself as Michael Latham, Sutherland headbutted Foote.

A Hot Foote tipster sent in this picture, taken moments after the incident.

Developing…

Developing…

According to the press release from DirectTV:

The Nine will premiere on Wednesday, May 27 (10 p.m. ET/PT), a week after the season finale of Smith. The Nine is the compelling drama series that delves into the lives of nine people who forge a common bond when they live through a 52-hour hostage standoff during a bank robbery. The series will return with 13 episodes, including four that were never broadcast. Created by brother and sister Hank Steinberg (Without a Trace) & K.J. Steinberg (Gossip Girl), The Nine stars Lourdes Benedicto, John Billingsley, Jessica Collins, Emmy(R) nominee Tim Daly, Dana Davis, Camille Guaty, Chi McBride, Kim Raver, Scott Wolf and Owain Yeoman. Hank Steinberg and Alex Graves are executive producers of the series, from Sunset Road Productions in association with Warner Bros. Television.

Many thought that this day would never come.  ABC did briefly bring back ‘The Nine’ in 1998, only to quickly cancel it once again.  After Egan Foote accidentally revealed the conclusion of the program on a Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania radio station in 1997, and once again in 2008, ABC executives felt that bringing ‘The Nine’ back to television was no longer an option.  Nonetheless, trying to bank off the devotion of the show’s core audience, and a breakout star named Egan Foote, ABC executives toyed with the idea of broadcasting a spin-off Egan Foote cartoon.  However, Foote’s legal troubles, and his propensity to put his Foote in his mouth, ultimately killed any possibility of the cartoon.

Developing…

The Foote Family. From left, Eggbert, Daniel, Mother Foote, Egan, and Horton

Sad news to report.  The father of Egan, Eggbert and Daniel Foote (better known as the “Foote Brothers”), Horton Foote,  has died at the age of 92, in Hartford, Connecticut.  When contacted by Hot Foote for comment, an inconsolable Egan, the eldest of the Foote Brothers, seemed to blame brother Eggbert.  “It was…uh… that son of a bitch Eggbert! Not that I’m calling my mother a bitch!!…uh… (wipes sweat from forehead and tears from face)… Egan, out!!”

Developing…

Update: Hot Foote has exclusively obtained a copy of an interview with Eggbert Foote, conducted shortly after learning of his father Horton’s death.  A clearly distraught and confused Eggbert repeatedly mentions appearing on Star Trek, obviously effected by the recent death of his father.

Distraught over his poor performance, Jindal sought solace from his oldest friend, insurance processor Egan Foote.

Developing…

]]> http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2009/02/09/flashback-february-8-1987-egan-foote-fooled-by-nintendo-gameboy-threatens-nintendo-customer-service-representative/feed/ 1 foote http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2009/02/02/developing-egan-footes-brother-eggbert-foote-arrested-for-illegal-animal-testing/ http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2009/02/02/developing-egan-footes-brother-eggbert-foote-arrested-for-illegal-animal-testing/#comments Mon, 02 Feb 2009 20:50:27 +0000 foote http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/?p=417 ]]> Eggbert Foote, the estranged brother of insurance processor Egan Foote, and the former long-term resident of a Russian holding cell, was arrested on Super Bowl Sunday for conducting experiments on a number of household cats. The FBI was initially tipped off when a number of pet cats went missing in the small Rhode Island neighborhood where Foote owns a house. After a picture of Eggbert Foote that seemingly shows Foote conducting experiments on a housecat (see below) was received by the FBI from an anonymous source, the FBI investigated further and agents were quick to arrest the elder of the Foote brothers.

Developing…

Update: Egan Foote was approached while exiting an adult video store in Sandusky, Ohio and asked about the allegations surrounding his big brother.  While initially refusing comment, Foote eventually said: “As Cat Fancy Magazine’s 2007 Cat Owner of the Year, I am obviously very troubled by the allegations against my brother.  Eggbert explicitly told me that he would only be experimenting on dogs, not cats!… uh… forget I… uh… said that (wipes sweat from forehead)… Egan, out!!”

Egan Foote, examining the lumbar support offered by his office chair.

Mr. Foote’s remarks appear below:

Ummm, hello… uh… it is I, Egan Foote (wipes sweat from forehead).  I am here today to discuss a matter that has been on everyone’s minds the last few months.  That’s right: the ergonomic crisis.  For too…uh… long, we have had to suffer the consequences of poor lumbar support.  This is outrageous! (arms flapping).  For too… uh… long, we have sat in seats poorly equipped to accommodate the curvature of the human spine.  Well no longer!  I am an insurance processor and I spend all day sitting in a chair.  And let me tell you: I would sooner sit on the floor of a… uh… bank than sit in that chair one moment longer (and I have)!

That is why we are here today, in front of office supply retailer… ummm (looks at sign displayed behind him)… uh… Staples!  We are here to tell them that we are mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore (wipes sweat from forehead).  I know we are in the midst of an ergonomic crisis, but we cannot afford to bail out these chair manufacturers!  Who is with me?!?

Repeat after me: one, two, three, four – we want adequate back support… five, six, seven, eight – I wish I was invertebrate!!

Egan, out!

Developing…

Now, Hot Foote has uncovered some additional motivational posters, unearthed from the vault where they were being stored.

These posters appear below…

]]> http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/exclusive-more-never-before-seen-egan-foote-motivational-posters/feed/ 0 foote motivator2596259 motivator2427731 motivator3428072 motivator3596907 http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2009/01/26/flashback-egan-blows-lizzies-secret/ http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/2009/01/26/flashback-egan-blows-lizzies-secret/#comments Mon, 26 Jan 2009 20:25:33 +0000 foote http://eganfoote.wordpress.com/?p=402 ]]>

While calls to the United States Department of Justice Office of the Pardon Attorney were not returned, it is rumored that Bush gave Foote a blanket pardon, covering acts both known and unknown. Below is a list of Egan Foote’s offenses which are likely to fall under the President’s pardon:

• Suspected of murder in the death of the Mt. Hood climbers
• Ejaculating into a container of ranch dressing in a high school lunchroom
• Ordering the deportation of Jews from ghettos to death camps
• His role in the Knicks-Nuggets brawl
• Assaulting his neighbor with lawn darts
• Suspected of murder in the death of beloved race horse Barbaro
• Attempted murder
• Accomplice in defrauding reality television competition American Idol
• Assassinating President Abraham Lincoln
• Stealing Edward Munch’s “The Scream”
• Drunken disorderly conduct after a karaoke performance of Lou Bega’s “Mambo #5″
• Making lewd and threatening phone calls
• Threatening ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson at gunpoint
• Attacking TV Squad blogger Bob Sassone
• Kidnapping ‘Wings’ star Tim Daly
• His links to private military contractor Blackwater
• Trespassing charges arising out of crashing a wedding
• Steroid use
• Fraud
• Assaulting former Secretary of Agriculture and current United States Senator Michael Johanns
• Taking a theater full of people hostage in a lengthy standoff with the police

Developing…

The speech, which appears below, was obtained through an anonymous Obama administration source (and regular Hot Foote reader).

“Uh… hello there (wipes sweat from forehead)… It is I, Egan Foote.  Now I know when you saw my face you may have been hoping for my brother Daniel, so I hope I don’t… uh… disappoint.  We are here to celebrate the inauguration of my friend, and secret crush, Rock Obamo.  Rock has inspired an entire generation of Americans with a beautifully run… uh… campaign, and three simple words: Yes We Can.

When the world told him he couldn’t, what did he… uh… say? Yes we can. When ABC executives told us that there was no way we could make them bring back canceled show The Nine, what did we say? Yes we can. And when the police showed up to my house with a warrant and started rummaging through my belongings, what did they say when I said “you can’t do this!”? Yes we can.

So today I congratulate Rock Obamo and welcome him as our 44th President.  Now bring on Rick Warren.  That guy is awesome!

It must be noted, however, that Egan Foote’s reputation for spontaneity means that we could be hearing an entirely different speech come Tuesday, January 20th, 2009.

Developing…

Foote signing copies of his new book.

However, one passenger is not convinced that the plane was simply the victim of an improbable accident. Egan Foote, who was seated in row 16 of the US Airway flight, believes that the plane was the target of an attack by the Canadian government. Specifically, Mr. Foote is claiming that the Canadian government, in an act of retribution against him, sent the geese on a kamikazi-style mission to finish the insurance processor once and for all.

“This all stems back to a feud I had with Bryan Adams back in 1991,” said Foote while promoting his new, and impossibly quickly written, book A Thousand Feete in the Air: The Unbelievable True Story of US Airways Flight 1549, pictured to the right during a book signing at a Barnes and Noble in Reno, Nevada.

According to Foote, the feud with Adams started when Foote claimed that Adams had stolen from him Adams’ hit song “Heaven.” After things got personal and Foote insulted Adams’ Canadian heritage, the Canadian government got involved and the two sides have hated each other ever since. However, Mr. Foote believed that the feud ended in 2002 when he and Adams teamed up to sue DJ Sammy over the remake of Heaven. The lawsuit was eventually dismissed when Foote decided that he actually loved DJ Sammy’s version.

“The cease fire is over,” said Foote. “For over five years I have been cordial and respectful to Mr. Adams and the Canadian government. But this attack against me has crossed the… uh… line (arms flapping)! It is time that I put my Foote down!”

Update: After the book signing, Mr. Foote held a large anti-Canadian rally. The following picture was submitted by long time Hot Foote reader “GC’s.”

Update II: After forwarding this matter on to the Obama administration and being told that they would “look into it,” Foote has apparently decided to take matters into his own hands.  Foote, through appearances on local radio stations around the country, has been recruiting a small mercenary army to take on the Canadians.  Appearing on New London, Connecticut’s WMOS-FM morning show, Foote made the following appeal to potential soldiers:

DJ: So I understand that you are trying to put together your own army.  Have you thought of contacting the Kiss Army?!? Hey-oh! (Rings cowbell)… Which reminds me folks, we’ll have a Kiss ‘three-play’ of songs coming up at the top of the hour… ring-a-ling!

Foote: In fact I have.  However, Kiss was apparently on tour with Bryan Adams during the early 1980′s and has decided to remain neutral in this conflict.

DJ: So is that the “kiss of death” to your efforts? (toilet flushing sound plays twice)

Foote: Absolutely… uh… not (wipes sweat from forehead).  And that is why I am hear.  Any American listening right now, I have a… uh… message for you.  It is time we finally took on our neighbors to the north.  The Canada goose attack perpetrated on me and my fellow travelers was just the beginning!  They must be stopped NOW!

DJ: We’ll be right back after these commercial messages.

Update III: Apparently, Foote’s appeal to potential soldiers paid off.  A Hot Foote reader submitted the following photo of Foote and his rapidly growing army at Foote’s training facility in Springfield, Illinois.

Major Breaking News Alert

We at Hot Foote are saying our prayers tonight – multiple reports out of New York City indicate that our own Egan Foote was one of the passengers on US Airways flight 1549, which was masterfully ditched in the Hudson River on Thursday January 15th. Mr. Foote, who was en route to Charlotte to defend his crown in the International Square Dancing competition, was seated in row 16, just above the wing. Loyal reader “maestro mism” who works in the New York Times building (as a janitor) was able to snap what we believe to be the only picture of Mr. Foote waiting for rescue.

Reached for comment, Mr. Foote praised the pilot:

I uhhh… its me… the Foote. I am so lucky to be alive today, and I just can’t thank our pilot Wesley Autrey enough. He is a real hero! Kind of like that Peter Petrelli guy, only better. Egan, out!

Update: After being treated for hypothermia, Mr. Foote quickly jumped on a new flight down to Charlotte, where he made it just in time to defend his square dancing crown, as shown below.

“It was a dream come true,” said a tearful Foote to Idol host Ryan Seacrest while wiping sweat from his forehead. “I really want to inspire people with my… uh… music.”

Foote’s audition began well, with judge Simon Cowell expressing his disappointment in the cancellation of The Nine, followed by the two sharing a simultaneous “Hubba Hubba!” when the name Franny Rios was mentioned. Foote then broke into Rihanna’s “Umbrella,” the song that his brother Eggbert sang in his successful audition (Eggbert was ultimately kicked off the show after making inappropriate comments to fellow contestant Jordin Sparks).

Once Foote was done, he stood silently and waited to hear his fate. However, before the judges were able to give their thoughts on Foote’s performance, a woman busted into the audition room (video below), forcing producers to shut down auditions for the day. Foote was invited to return the following day, when he’s expected to perform Lou Bega’s “Mambo #5.”

Developing…

Mr. Foote regularly attended Mr. Wright’s sermons between 1997 and 2004 and was “very close” to Reverend Wright, according to a source who wishes to remain anonymous due to the sensitivity of the subject matter.

The picture below was taken in 2002 and shows Foote and Wright after one of the sermons in question.

Developing…

Update: When asked about the allegations outside a Denny’s restaurant in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, Foote proclaimed “Naw, naw… uh… naw!  These allegations are bogus.  That could be anyone in that picture… maybe my brother Eggbert or Daniel!”

Realizing his “horrible miscalculation” and mumbling something about Google Maps, he turns around and goes back.

Update: Sources in Hot Foote’s Gaza City office are reporting that Mr. Foote became lost after accidentally using a map appearing on a kids place mat he inadvertently picked up at a Bangor, Maine Applebees, which appears below. According to Applebees employees present at the time, the place mat was used as a bib by Mr. Foote, who apparently forgot to remove it before leaving the restaurant.

The Associated Press is reporting that Egan Foote has been named as Barack Obama’s replacement to the United States Senate. Embattled Illinois Govornor Rod Blagojevich appeared with Mr. Foote at an impromtu press conference to make the surprise announcement following a 3-hour lunch with Mr. Foote at a neighborhood Denny’s. After making the announcement, Gov. Blagojevich ducked behind a curtain and avoided answering any questions from the media, but Mr. Foote stuck around to issue the following statement:

Ahh… Hello… members of the media, citizens of Illinois, and fellow patrons of this fine Peoria dining establishment. I am ahhhhh… Egan… FOOTE (HONK HONK!!!!! LIGHTS FLASHING ALL OVER THE RESTAURANT) and I am proud to be your next United States Spendator. Get it? That’s a joke because the Government is good for nothing but spendidng your money! (car alarm sound). Ahh. I am just kidding of course, good ole Eegs had to get the nerves out with a little humor! I am excited to serve the people, certainly more excited than Mohammed, who didn’t serve me my Western Burger sans the pickles like I had asked him to. Nevertheless, I cannot wait to start. And I have a message for you fellow Demo Hats. If any of you Ruffians (especially you, Hairy Bead) try to bar me, you will pay for this. I will knock your [EXPLETIVE] teeth out. Ya heard? SENATOR EGAN, OUT.

Developing…

A Hot Foote reader just submitted the following camera-phone video of insurance processor Egan Foote entering a local Lexington, Kentucky community theater and holding the theatergoers hostage using what appears to be a suitcase bomb.

Update: Local police have confirmed that the hostage-taker is in fact a Foote brother. But is it Egan, Eggbert or Daniel?

Update II: According to sources, the hostage-taker is not demanding money, but rather the reinstatement of canceled television show The Nine.

Update III: Our long national nightmare is over.  After a several day standoff, police raided the theater and were able to take out Egan Foote.  A Hot Foote reader submitted this picture of Foote being treated for a gunshot wound by the doctors from Grey’s Anatomy.

Let us know your thoughts in the comments…

But now Egan and Eggbert may need to learn how to walk with three Feete instead of two.  After a year long investigation, Hot Foote has found a third Foote brother, Daniel Foote.  According to government records obtained by Hot Foote under the Freedom of Information Act, Daniel Edgar Foote is the youngest of the three Foote brothers, born only five years before Eggbert was imprisoned in a Russian holding cell.  When asked for comment, a confused Mother Foote denied that she birthed a third Foote, proclaiming “What kind of FAHKING name is Daniel?!?”

Egan claimed that he had no recollection of a third brother, but admits “I’ve done a lot of drugs.  I don’t… uh… remember so good.”

And when approached for comment, Eggbert Foote assured us he would get back to us once he finished going through tapes of all the WNBA playoff games he missed while imprisoned without access to a television.  “Go Houston Comets!  Eggbert, out!”

Daniel Foote?

Despite years of anonymity, the alleged third Foote brother has recently popped up in a number of different places.  The picture to the left was submitted by a member of our faithful citizen paparazzi, a Hot Foote reader aptly named “FooteFetish.”  The reader submitted what they thought was a picture of Egan Foote performing stand up at an open amateur night show at New York City’s Caroline’s Comedy Club.  However, Hot Foote’s research analyst confirmed that, at the time, Egan Foote was doing a live interview with Little Rock, Arkansas’ KPZK-FM radio.  Furthermore, according to Hot Foote’s resident Eggbert Foote expert, who heads up the Eggbert division of Hot Foote, “this is clearly not Eggbert Foote, as this man is clearly missing Eggbert’s distinctive facial scars.  The man in the picture is also wearing glasses… as everyone knows, Eggbert Foote has perfect 20/20 vision.”

In addition to dipping his Foote into stand up comedy, Mr. Foote also recently appeared on an episode of ABC’s Eli Stone, playing himself (picture below).

Daniel Foote, on an episode of Eli Stone

Developing…

While it appears that Foote otherwise covered all of his bases, leaving no other evidence behind as he left Johann’s bloodied half-conscious body in a pile of leaves at the Bronx’s Indian Pond, he apparently forgot to check Johann’s phone. Foote became the FBI’s prime suspect when a photo of Foote (which appears below) was pulled from Johann’s iPhone, which inadvertently took a picture of Johann’s attacker after a kick to the kidney set off the phone’s picture-taking function. If Foote was indeed behind the attack, his failure to check Johann’s iPhone was a careless oversight considering the iPhone was involved in a similar attack in which Egan was the victim.

We will continue to update this story as more information becomes available…

Foote with WDRQ-FM's DJ Randy Andy

After a long media blackout, insurance processor Egan Foote broke his silence on Detroit’s WDRQ-FM morning show this morning. Foote either really missed the limelight, missed chatting with morning zoo hosts, or thought the world truly needed to know about a recent trip to the podiatrist. Whatever the reason, we here at Hot Foote are glad he’s back. Below is a transcript of Egan’s appearance this morning.

DJ Cooky Pooky: [rings cowbell] ring-a-ling-a-ling! Who is that I see walking into the studio?

DJ Randy Andy: Is that Egan Foote?

Egan Foote: Indeed it is my sound effect-playing friends. ‘Tis I, the Foote.

DJ Randy Andy: [plays cookoo clock sound] I can’t believe it. I thought you were done with radio. We’ve got an exclusive here on the morning zoo, folks! [siren sound plays]

Egan Foote: Well, I was in Detroit. Figured I’d stop by.

DJ Cooky Pooky: And what exactly is it that brought you to Detroit, Foote?

Egan Foote: Well… uh… {wipes sweat from forehead}… it’s a bit of a wild story. I had been suffering some abdominal pain – note to listeners: do not eat at Chipotle if a guy named Carlos is cooking! – anyway, after a few days, I finally decided to get it checked out. I stopped by my buddy Scotty Wolf’s house, but he informed me that he was not a doctor; he simply played one on our TV series, The Nine. While Chi McBride had told me on several occasions that he had, over his life, performed numerous “blumpkins,” I was skeptical of his medical credentials. So I decided to check out the list of in-network doctors my insurance provided… and what do I see? A foot doctor! I couldn’t believe it, a doctor was centered on me, Egan Foote!! I quickly jumped on the first Fung Wah bus to Detroit I could find and saw the doctor immediately.

DJ Randy Andy: I think I know where this is going! [car crash sound]

Egan Foote: I told the guy my problem, but he keeps checking out my feet. Now listen, I’m as open minded as anyone… I’m even in love with a Latina woman, Franny Rios…

DJ Cooky Pooky: Interracial dating! Hey oh! [plays Gloria Estefan's "Rythm is gonna get you"]

Egan Foote: But after a while, I realized this doctor was for actual feet, not the Foote family!

DJ Randy Andy: So who is gonna FOOTE the bill!

[several minutes of DJ Randy Andy and DJ Cooky Pooky laughing]

DJ Cooky Pooky: We have to take a commercial break. We want to thank Egan Foote for stopping in.

Egan Foote: Egan, out!

A months-long investigation has revealed that Egan has been playing Foote-sie all over town, often discovered with a new woman around his arm each night. In conjunction with the loyal readers of the site (our citizen paparazzi), below is some of the photographic evidence of Foote’s recent exploits:

An early Foote conquest.

Apparently, few can resist the Egan charm.

According to our sources, Mr. Foote was heard repeatedly muttering something about a "Threegan"

Foote was spotted with this woman after failing to impress the star of the movie "Hairspray"

The young lady in red was impressed after Egan discussed an unconventional use for that microphone

Alcohol: Egan Foote's Best Friend

We don't judge.

Developing…

Hello, eerrr… Egan here!  The FOOTE!

(Egan pauses, but only the sound made by the janitor collapsing folding chairs can be heard)

I am honored to be here tonight.   I want to thank all of the people who helped plan this wonderful Democratic Conviction.   And as I used to say in my short-lived stint as a trial lawyer, if the foote don’t fit, you must acquit! (prolonged cowbell sound).

Anyone (arms flapping), now, now, lets just  settle down, serious matters to discuss!  I am a proud American, and a proud Semi-cat!  Let’s take back our county!    Huzzah!

Now I know many of you are still bitter from a drawn out primary election, and to those of you who still stand by me – the FEET, as you are dubbed by Candy Crowley – who is a pig, I might add -I say to you… Take off your socks.   TAKE.  OFF.  YOUR.  SOCKS.   To keep the analogy, we’re done airing our dirty laundry.   It’s time we elected a real leader.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and pinky toes….we cannot afford 4 more years of a Reek Public Cat.  It’s time to elect one who has never walked under a ladder… Mr. Rock Obamo!  EGAN OUT.

(Tina Turner’s Simply the Best starts to play on a boombox sitting next to Egan)

Egan with his running mate,Catty Rios

But thanks to help from Hot Foote readers, who, through their own initiative, started the Hot Foote Legal Defense Fund, we are back.

L’Chaim, L’Foote!

“It’s just time to move on,” said a misty-eyed Foote outside of Yankee stadium, where pope Benedict XVI lead mass on Saturday. “It’s a difficult deci-… ooooh, is that Melky Cabrera? I love him!” Mr. Foote then proceeded to run after the Yankees centerfielder, who was noticeably afraid of the white hooded man running towards him. “No mas! No mas!” said an out of breath Cabrera. “I jusss won play basebowl.”

Foote then jumped on a popemobile conveniently passing by, announcing “Egan, out!”

Developing…

Mr. Foote has filed a lawsuit against the producers of the 2007 movie The Nines, starring Ryan Reynolds. According to Foote, “this is an outrage! They simply took our show, The Nine, and added the letter ‘S’ to the end. That’s like a cheap Scrabble move and it cannot stand! (arms flapping). I expect more out of these Hollywood studios than to simply appropriate for their own benefit the blood, sweat and tears of so many people, including Franny Rios (hubba hubba). Listen, I like The Nines star Ryan Reynolds as much as the next guy; in fact, I think his portrayal of Dan Wilder deserved an Oscar nomination. But that does not give them the right to steal!”

But Mr. Foote’s outrage did not end there, as he took his fight to Muncie, Indiana’s WMDH-FM morning show. An excerpt from that appearance appears below:

Foote: … and that is how Hillary Clinton will persuade these superdeliguys to make her the nominee for precedent.

DJ Cool Carl: Interesting stuff, Foote, but I believe she’s running for President. But fascinating stuff, nonetheless… I’m guessing you’ll be receiving a call from the Clinton campaign before you know it to discuss your strategy, because right now her chances are about as long as the cigar Bill put in Monica Lewinsky! Hey-oh! (cowbell sound rings twice)

Foote: Pardon me, Cool Carol? I’m not sure I’m aware of that story…

DJ Kooky Keith: It’s Cool Carl. Anyway, it’s a topic for another time, my friend. Now I hear you are suing some Hollywood studios?

Foote: That’s right Cocky Ken, I am. These studios need to learn that they can’t just take for themselves the good will created by one of the most popular shows on TV. This will not stand!

DJ Cool Carl: First off, his name is Kooky Keith, not Cocky Ken. Second, if The Nine was so popular, why was it canceled?

Foote: I’m not at liberty to disclose that (wipes sweat from forehead).

DJ Cool Carl: Well, that’s about all the time we have. Our thanks to Egan Foote for joining us. Egan, we hope you come back soon.

Foote: Anytime, Cold Call…

DJ Cool Carl: That’s Cool Carl… we’ll be right back after a word from our… hey, Foote, stop playing with that, that’s very delicate equipment and you can’t… (dead air)

In related news, Foote has also filed a lawsuit against 8, a collection of shorts starring eight famous film directors. “Um, I just came to do some research for my lawsuit,” said a defensive Foote when approached leaving a showing of 8 at Cross County Multiplex Cinemas in Yonkers, NY. “Of course I’d never pay these thieves to see their movie for pleasure. This was all business. Egan, out!” Mr. Foote then disappeared, later being spotted at Raceway diner, where he had to skip out on the bill in order to avoid our faithful Citizen Paparazzi.

Notwithstanding, due to the nature of this suit, Egan’s attorney’s (his so-called “Foote Soldiers”) are awaiting to see what happens in Foote’s previously filed lawsuit against the movie The Ten.  “One number off?!?!?” said Foote, repeating his earlier objections to The Ten.  He continued, “Legal Team, ho!!!” at which time his Foote Soldiers lined up and followed Mr. Foote into a Dodge Caravan.

Developing…

Foote himself was interrupted a few moments later when an older woman proclaiming herself Mother Foote got on the line and told Egan she “needed the phone to call Eggbert.”

Egan was eventually cut off mid-sentence when Bear Stearns IT personnel were able to knock him off of the line. Bear Stearns shares witnessed a brief spike during the period in which Foote made his comments, followed by a heavy drop shortly after.

Developing…

But I digress. There’s plenty of time to talk about hilarious house pets. For now I am tasked with offering my perspective on the current campaign for the… uh… White House (wipes sweat from forehead). There are serious issues facing this country, issues that even Marmaduke couldn’t solve! Who will be the strongest in our war against therapists? Who is going to ensure that Americans have universal health pears? Who will best know how to handle the bludgeon deficit? Who will reduce our dependence on foreign moyls? Who will best handle the wars in Iran and Uzbekistan? Who will nominate the best judges to the Marine Court?

So, without further adieu, here are my thoughts on the current candidates:

Jonathan McClane

Forgive my question, I’m a political novice, but isn’t John McClane EXACTLY the type of President we want right now? I don’t care if he’s in his 60′s, or even his 80′s! The way that he disposed of Hans Gruber and protected the Nakatomi Plaza should speak volumes about his commitment to service AND the country (and to Holly). Yippee Kay-Yaa, Mr. Obamo!

Also, I heard somewhere that the Splurge is working… I think that’s a good thing. McClane seems to think he’s responsible for that, so I guess I’ll believe. I mean, if you’re running for President you are probably honorable enough at least not to lie, right?

That said, my buddy Chi McBride just told me that Mr. McClane lived in Vietnam for 5 years or so, something that makes me question his allegiance to our great nation. If you love Vietnam so much, McClane, why don’t you run for president THERE?!!? U-S-A! U-S-A!

Your move, McClane…

Hillury Clinten

To be quite honest, I am a bit… uh… confused. I’m told that Clinton already served as President for two turns during the 1990′s. Turning to my trusty pocket Constitution, I am pretty sure that that disqualifies her to be President again. How could no one have noticed this?!?! Someone call the Federal Election Commission! This is outrageous!

Notwithstanding the constitutional issues, I do believe this Clinton fellow would make a fine President. Despite being ready to lead on Day one (I hope so, you’ve already been President twice!), he is vetted and tested and has lot of experience, apparently. Works for me.

But Clinton needs to stay focused on politics and spend a little less time worrying about sandwiches. I’ve had sandwiches from all over this country and I can tell you that sandwiches are good whether they are made by Super-deliguys or just plain old deli guys. Now, now, listen up (arms flapping). This business just gets more Sillary by the minute (car honking sound)! We simply cannot have these Super-deliguys deciding whether we’re going to be eating chicken (clinten), swiss cheese (edwords), or liverwurst (obamo), not to mention making the choice for me, the orderer, as to whether i’d prefer white or dark meat (phone ringing sound). This election was already decided in a smoked-filled room. If Room is a synonym for labia! Egan, out. Obamo, IN.

Rock Obamo

Mr. Obamo certainly seems like a nice fellow. And if he’s looking for change, I have a bowl in my foyer filled with it. Hey-oh! Just kidding, I’m going to take that to Coinstar some day.

I did once play him in a game of checkers in Chicago’s South Side during the late 1980′s. Let’s just say that if his checkers playing is any indication of how he will go after the therapists that attacked us at 7/11, then we’re in great shape.

However, his name is pretty funny. So you can see how torn I am on this one.

So who does Egan endorse? Gobama!

In the end, fans of ‘The Nine’ became resolved to the fact that the show would never return and that their unanswered questions would remain just that: unanswered. Until now. Many of the show’s faithful are pointing to a recent article on E! News Online that provides subtle hints to the possibility of the show’s return:

“It’s coming back!” said one anonymous e-mail to Hot Foote headquarters this morning. “I didn’t read the article, but the headline says it all!”

Another Hot Foote reader, known only by the alias “bahster,” had similar hopes that the show would soon be back. “When does production start?”

However, such optimism lies not only with the article’s title. Many readers who have chimed in have theorized that the first line of the second paragraph also signals the return of the show, with one arguing that the line was supposed to read “The Alphabet announced Monday that nine fanS WOULD BE EXCITED AT THE NEWS OF THE SHOW’S RETURN!”

But ABC executives were quick to destroy all such hope. According to ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson, the network would only bring back the show “if we were able to reunite the original cast,” something that is quite unlikely. “Camille Guaty will NOT work with Mr. Foote,” said ‘The Nine’ star Chi McBride. “Something about him creeping her out and always saying ‘hubba hubba’ or something. Look, I love the show as much as the next guy, but I just can’t see it happening. Chi, out! Damn, now he’s got me saying it.”

Others were more optimistic, including our favorite insurance processor, Egan Foote. Foote spoke with the KSZR-FM morning show in Tucson, Arizona to air some of his thoughts:

Foote: … and that’s why I think Gordon Bombay was a better hockey coach than the guy the Mighty Ducks got in the third movie.

DJ Crazy Chris: Interesting stuff Egan. Looks like we’re going to have to agree to disagree.

DJ Wacky Wayne: Moving on, we’re getting e-mails left and right that ‘The Nine’ is coming back to ABC. Any credence to these rumors?

Foote: I’ve heard some rumblings, but nothing concrete. We’ll… uh… just have to wait and see (wipes sweat from forehead).

DJ Crazy Chris: And where do you stand? Would you do it if they asked you back?

Foote: Of course, DJ Cranky Ken! The opportunity to see my old friends would be amazing! Chi, Scotty Wolf, Kim Raver, that other guy, and Franny Rios (hubba hubba)! Plus, I left a Newsweek magazine in the desk in my dressing room, but ABC security won’t let me back into the old studio!

DJ Wacky Wayne: Thanks Egan. Your visit was insightful as always…

Foote: Thank you, DJ Jackie Jane – you’ve got yourself an excellent radio program here. Egan, out!

DJ Wacky Wayne: It’s Wacky Wayne… we’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

Developing…

New York’s “Polskie Radio” won’t be forced to go English. Despite a license renewal objection, “Polskie Radio New York” WRKL (910) doesn’t have to worry about adding English-language programming. Listener Robert Schore tried to kick the suburban station off the air, filing an objection with the FCC arguing “few listeners” in the area speak Polish. Schore argued WRKL should become an English station “devoted to the concerns of citizens in its primary coverage area.” Schore also alleges WRKL’s programming doesn’t discuss current issues or air emergency weather conditions. But his arguments weren’t enough for the FCC to deny the Polish station its license renewal. The Commission ruled WRKL “has served the public interest, convenience, and necessity” and didn’t violate any rules. The FCC also notes foreign-language stations must comply with the Emergency Alert System — but can do so in the primary language of their broadcast.

According to sources, Mr. Foote picketed the Federal Communications Commission day and night for several weeks, imploring the commissioners to leave Polskie Radio as is. Foote (pictured outside the office of FCC Chairman Kevin Martin during his campaign) became famous for his creative use of the bullhorn, often chanting “Hell no, 9-1-0″ and “What do we want?” “Polski Radio!!” “When do we want it?” “At least as quickly as it took famous Pole scientist Janusz Grozkowski to discover a new method of high-vacuum measurements!”

Perhaps most amazing is that Foote’s plan worked. According to a source inside the FCC who wishes to remain anonymous discussing a sensitive matter tells Hot Foote that the FCC’s decision was “all Foote. Honestly, they didn’t really know which way to decide; they were actually thinking of flipping a coin. Until Egan came along. Chairman Martin was the first to speak up, proposing that perhaps if they just let Polskie Radio be then Mr. Foote would abandon his protest. The other members agreed and here we are.”

And where did Foote celebrate his recent achievement? On the Polskie Radio WRKL 910 morning zoo morning show, of course (translated below):

Jozef: Mr. Foote, we first want to thank you for your effort for Polskie Radio! (rings Eurasian Lynx bell).

Foote: You are quite welcome, Jozef. But thanks is not necessary. Did the nation of Poland ask thanks when they invented the screen door for submarines or the solar powered flashlight? I think not. Did Polish mathemetician Stanislaw Lojasiewicz ask thanks when he solved the problem of distribution division by analytical functions? No. And did Polish physicist Jan Kazimierz ask for thanks when he created the first spectrometer beta? Well, bad example, because he did and they threw him a big parade and stuff…

Jozef: Why Polskie radio?

Foote: Best programming on radio right now. Hands down. Hey, looks like your lights just went out…

Jozef: Oh man, another one! Wiktor, come help me screw in this light bulb. We’ll be back after a word from our sponsor, Nisskosher Polish Vodka…

Foote: Egan, out!

Developing…

So, without further adieu, here is an update on what has been keeping Foote’s lawyers busy the past several months:

• Mr. Foote has filed a lawsuit against the makers of the so-called “Geek Clock” (pictured below), a clock with the unique feature that every number is the number 9. “This is clearly an attempt to exploit my prime time drama The Nine and the good will it received from its loyal, albeit small, fan base. I am so disgusted that a company would act so unscrupulously that I am at a loss for words. Egan, out!” Mr. Foote is seeking unspecified damages.

• On similar claims of the improper use of the number 9, as it relates to the short-lived ABC drama, Mr. Foote is seeking an injunction against the continued production and promotion of the upcoming movie “The Ten.” “One number off?!?” said an angry Foote while appearing on Worcester, Massachusetts’ WWFX-FM morning radio show. “I’m not doing this for me; this is for the hoards of movie-goers who will line up to see the movie, only to learn that their $10 was spent not on a movie adaptation of ABC television program The Nine, but a crappy movie with Ron Silver. Look, I’m as big a fan of The O.C.’s Adam Brody as anyone, and Jessica Alba – that girl can act! But people poured blood and guts into The Nine, and I cannot sit back and watch greedy Hollywood studios steal my show’s good will for selfish gain.”

• Finally, claiming improper use of his name, for which he “has spent years building a reputation,” Egan Foote also filed suit against Egan-Managed Capital. Mr. Foote’s attorney released the following statement outside of the courthouse: “Mr. Foote is very disappointed that a company would choose to mislead its clients into thinking that Mr. Foote is the one managing their capital. Mr. Foote never has, and has no plans to, begin a career managing capital and believes that Egan-Managed Capital should immediately cease the use of his name. Egan’s lawyer, out!”

We will continue to update these stories as more information becomes available…

Thanks to Hot Foote reader “sameernasdi”

Developing…

Back in October, Hot Foote exclusively reported that Egan Foote’s long lost brother Eggbert Foote was released from the Russian holding cell where he’s spent the last twenty years. According to sources close to the Foote family, the two brothers had not seen one another since 1987, when younger brother Eggbert left the country to cash in on emerging diamond markets in the middle-east. However, besides vague reports of “an American named Foote” being seriously injured in a 1992 nuclear accident, little was known about the twenty years following Eggbert’s departure from the United States.

However, notwithstanding what may have transpired, it remains to be seen whether twenty years apart was enough to repair the rift between the two brothers. “Egan had an awful temper,” Eggbert told a Russian reporter back in 1998. “I once wished him a Happy Hannukah and he responded by breaking my jaw! I’m not sure I want to subject myself to that again.”

“My little brother is exaggerating,” said a defensive Foote when approached by the reporter. “I specifically remember the doctor saying that I fractured his jaw. Eggbert is so overdramatic! Man, I really hate that…uh… son of a bitch!” With hatred between the Brothers Foote still raging, it looked like a once possible reunion was becoming increasingly less likely.

Until now. According to sources close to the Foote family, Egan recently booked a trip to Russia, apparently to visit his recently-released brother and spend New Years Eve with the younger Foote. When questioned about the rumored trip, Egan issued his standard denials: “Of course I am not visiting Eggbert,” said an irate Foote. “That is ludicrous. I am traveling to Russia to appear on the Minsk Morning Zoo radio program, the wackiest in the entire Eastern Bloc… except, of course, for Sofia, Bulgaria’s morning program. Those guys are nuts!” Hot Foote was able to confirm that Egan was in fact invited to appear on the radio station, but according to Program Director Alexei Nemchinov “has not yet indicated to us that he intends to appear.” The Russian rumor mill has been buzzing that while Egan does intend to make his radio appearance, visiting his brother is his true motivation.

Whether or not a radio appearance is the reason for Egan’s travel plans, it will be the first time in twenty years the two brothers have set Foote on the same continent. And that, says many, is progress.

We will continue to update this story as more information becomes available…

According to sources close to Hot Foote, Egan Foote is ready to cross the picket line and offer his writing services to anyone interested. Known by most for his acting, Foote has actually been a member of the Writers Guild of America since 1990. Mr. Foote, whose writing resume is limited to the short-lived series, “Babes,” has shown solidarity with the rest of the striking WGA members since the strike began and is a regular fixture on the picket lines. However, Foote has apparently grown wary of the WGA’s efforts, spending less and less time picketing, and even recently told radio station KUBL in Reno, Nevada that at times he could “see the other side’s point of view.”

He continued that he was also getting bored with the time off. “Insurance processing is great and all, but I need something else. Perhaps it’s time we get back to work.” Foote has attempted to fill that void in a variety of different ways, including traveling, working extra hours insurance processing, working out, spending time with his “The Nine” castmates (picture, right), and serving as a judge on various reality competitions, including the FOX series “A Kick to the Crotch,”in which contestants kick each other in the groin until only one man is left standing (picture, below left), “Bare Knuckle Brawl,” in which homeless men bare knuckle box until only one man is left standing, and “Your Stash in the Trash,” in which contestants’ personal belongings are buried on a New York City trash barge and they fight each other on the floating vessel to retrieve their possessions. But none of it seems to have pulled Egan from his rut.

Needless to say, the rumors have angered WGA members. When Egan left the offices of ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson on Wednesday, after a rumored meeting to discuss the possibility of Mr. Foote writing for the ABC drama “Grey’s Anatomy,” he was yelled at by a swarm of picketing writers holding signs reading “Scab!!” And luckily, our faithful Citizen Paparazzi were there to catch some of the action. The following pictures, submitted by Hot Foote reader “wackie,” showing Foote being cornered and subsequently beaten by WGA members.

We will continue to update this story as more information becomes available…

But after some intense digging, we can exclusively report that Egan Foote does appear in the Mitchell Report as his alias, Adam Piatt. After combing through Social Security, tax, bank and health records, Hot Foote staff was able to determine that Egan Foote has used a number of different aliases over the years, frequently employing some variation of the name “Alan Pratt,” most recently used by Mr. Foote as a character in the NBC drama Journeyman.

You can find more information on Foote’s appearance in the Mitchell Report here.

Developing…

“This next track is something I’ve been working on – I wrote it for new head coach and GM Egan Foote… I mean… uh… oh no, my dad’s going to kill me!… Dolan, out!” However, Dolan was not “out,” and instead came back on stage and read the following statement: “Mr. Thomas is and will continue to be the General Manager and head coach of the New York Knicks. My allusions to Egan Foote earlier were a slip of the tongue and should not be taken seriously… my father did not prepare this statement.”

But the rumors simply will not die. Insiders report that the Knicks are currently working on an exit package for Thomas and that as soon as it is finalized, Foote will be named the new GM and head coach. “No comment,” said the always enigmatic Foote when asked about the rumors on Portsmouth, New Hampshire’s WSAK morning show. “I have been advised to say nothing at this time.” When pressed further, however, Foote did provide a few hints on the team when he said “Lil’ Nate, yo, he can really sky!! Zach Randolph? More like Zach, Hand-off (the ball to someone else, because you stink). Malik Rose got game. Collins can ball. Is Allan Houston still on the team? I’m friends with David Lee’s uncle…”

Egan has dipped his Foote into the player side of the NBA, being selected as the top draft choice of the Portland Trailblazers, but this would be his first venture into coaching. Many thought Egan was done with the Knicks in 2005, the year he gave up his season tickets. But according to Egan, he always kept his finger on the pulse of the team. “I got a guy on the inside,” said Foote. “I won’t reveal my sources, but you could say his name rhymes with Bilal Sawford.” Foote then proceeded to sing the 1994 Knicks theme “Go New York, Go” by Jesse James.

While many are excited about the potential of a Foote-led Knicks team, others are skeptical. “Who the FAHK is Egan Foote?” asked Knicks forward Reynaldo Balkman. “Is he that guy who kept calling me Rolando Blackman?”

“I read that blog about Mr. Foote,” added Quentin Richardson. “He sounds like trouble.”

Good point, Q. But can it really get much worse than it already is?

Developing…