Reports are pouring in that insurance processor Egan Foote will be working on improving his Foote-work on the upcoming season of ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars.” According to sources, who prefer to remain anonymous considering the intended secrecy of the matter, ABC is considering an all-out “Egan Blitz” (as it has been referred to by ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson). According to the rumors, Egan’s appearance on the show would ideally coincide with another Egan Foote project: the prime time cartoon based on the quirky Foote. And if that’s not enough Egan for you, recent reports indicate that Egan may also get a lot of NBA face time as well.
While ABC has been tight-lipped about its cast for the upcoming season of the reality dance competition, rumors about Egan’s involvement simply won’t die. After hearing a rumor that Egan had rented space at local Alice Teirstein Dance Studio, Hot Foote citizen paparazzi scoured the dance studio for any confirmation of Egan’s involvement with Dancing With the Stars. Hot Foote reader “zeed” eventually snapped the photo to the left, showing Egan practicing some dance moves with fellow bank robbery victim Franny Rios.
We will continue to update this story as more information becomes available…
According to our sources, after what many would consider a rough night, Egan was back at work at 8:30 AM this morning, ready to go.
Our citizen paparazzi snapped the following photograph of Egan attending the daily morning meeting…
To: Residents of Multnomah County, the Great State of Oregon, and Portland Trail Blazers Fans Everywhere
Date: June 28th, 2007
Re: The NBA Draft
Hello, ah, Egan here. The Foote! Well it’s been quite a day for good old Egan, to say the least! I was just as surprised as the next guy to see the news about the Trail Blazers decision to draft me No. 1 – I nearly missed it as I typically bee-line straight to the funnies. But wouldn’t you know it, old clumsy hands here knocked over his morning cup of joe and low and behold there was a picture of me (in my younger, more athletic days) staring right back up at me.
Now, now (arms flapping), I just wanted to issue an open letter to say how grateful I am to Mr. Pritchard and the rest of the organization for giving me the opportunity to play for your roundball team. I know from the evening news that some of you are skeptical about the situation, but I’m here to tell you that I’m going to be the best deal for Portland since Asa Lovejoy and William Overton formed that historic partnership in 1843 to lay claim to the 640-acre site that you all call home (for $0.25, I might add… oops, Egan’s agent is NOT going to be happy about that slip-up).
I love this city and I intend to represent all of the State – from stumptown to puddletown all the way down to the Rose City – to the best of my ability. I’ve loved this place ever since I took in my first Rose City Rollers game. Those women are the best flat track derby team that Egan’s four eyes have ever seen! And if that doesn’t allay your fears, you should know that it is my home too. Now, now (arms flapping), not in the direct sense. But I was informed by Zach Randolph today that Portland is a sister city to Egan’s birthplace, Ashkelan, Israel. L’Chaim, L’Foote!
So without further ado, it is time for me to lace up my cleats, dust off my racket and practice my backhand so that I can lead us to the Super Series in 2008!
Oden or Durant. Durant or Oden. Looks like we have an answer.
ESPN The Magazine’s Ric Bucher and Matt Meyers confirmed on Thursday morning that Egan’s camp has been notified by the Portland Trail Blazers that they will take him with the No. 1 pick in Thursday’s NBA draft.
It was not an easy choice. Both Oden and Durant tested better at pre-draft camp. But Portland general manager Kevin Pritchard reasoned that nobody else available could hold a candle to Foote’s mental toughness and work ethic.
“I’ve wrestled with this decision ever since the day that I learned we would have the No. 1 pick in what will surely be a draft class for the ages.” said Pritchard during his Thursday morning press gaggle. “And what better way to bury the negative tag of the ‘Jail Blazers’ than to re-build this glorious franchise around a man of dignity like Egan. Plus, he underwrote his own insurance policy, and the terms are the best I have ever seen”.
While the diminutive Foote flew below most team’s radar, he had recently made headlines for his street court prowess. The New York Post reported in a sidebar column on Tuesday that New York Knicks general manager Isiah Thomas was highly interested in Egan, even going as far as hosting Shabbat dinner for the up-and-coming star at his Los Angeles studio this past weekend along with Renaldo Balkman, Nate Robinson and Herb Williams.
When reached for comment, Egan could hardly contain his excitement. “I guess it’s time for good old Egan to find his headband! (arms flapping)”. Likely no. 2 pick Greg Oden was unavailable for comment according to his agent, while Kevin Durant openly questioned “who the fuck is Egan Foote?”.
Update: The overwhelming response to Hot Foote’s exclusive NBA draft report crashed our central server. Now that we are back online, we are sorting through all of the citizen paparazzi reports. Staples Center sweat-mop-guy Franco Gleiber writes: “I was privy to a closed-door workout session among the likely top-20 picks. The media was banned. I don’t know what Portland is thinking, I don’t even think we’re talking about the same guy. In a 5 minute one-on-one workout, Egan was paired up with Nick Fazekas and was outscored 47-0. The funny thing is, Fazekas was only responsible for 42 of his own points. I think this is going to be a monumental mistake for the Trail Blazers.”
Update II: Updates continue to pour into Hot Foote from our faithful citizen paparazzi. The picture to the right was snapped by the excessively long-named Hot Foote reader “MustBeTheEganWhyImKingOfMyCastle” during a break in the day’s workouts. This picture was taken in the locker room, where our reader followed Egan as he went to exchange is sweaty headband for a new one. “I did a double-take,” said the message accompanying our citizen paprazzi’s picture. “Was this guy really wearing sandals?” When asked about the unconventional choice in Foote-wear, Egan replied, “What, would you rather me go barefoot? (wipes sweat away from forehead). Listen, I’d wear basketball shoes if I had them, but unfortunately I was robbed for my Air Jordans by some thug. Egan, out.”
Update III: The economy of Portland, Oregon has come to a standstill as millions of workers left their desks to join the March on the Rose Garden, in protest of the Trail Blazers decision to draft Egan. Reports out of northwest Portland say that an angry mob stood outside the general manager’s home and torched flags and jerseys while chanting “We want Greg, not a Foote or Leg!”.
Update IV: Thanks to reader Glen Brill for a cellphone picture of the gathering protest….
Hot Foote previously broke the story of Egan Foote’s glorious return to his old job as an insurance processor. Now our mole inside Egan’s workplace is providing some more information on his return.
“Egan quickly fell back into his old routines, like nothing had changed,” she said. “As the photo I snapped shows, Egan was back to business as usual, slogging through the day with his other fellow insurance processors.”
However, it was not long before the Egan we’ve come to know reared its ugly head… or should we say Foote. “The smell of Peach Schnapps wafting from Egan’s desk was unmistakable,” said one co-worker who preferred to remain anonymous. “I don’t know exactly how this is going to end up, but let’s just say I’m not looking forward to it.”
We will continue to update you as more information becomes available…
Update: Reports have been pouring in regarding Egan’s second day back at work as an insurance processor. Numerous sources have confirmed that Egan has been sipping Peach Schnapps at his desk for a good portion of the afternoon. However, a text message sent to Hot Foote by Egan’s supervisor, Andrew Schillinger, painted an interesting picture: “I don’t know what Egan was doing while he was gone (I’ll have to look into that), but whatever it was worked. This is some of the best insurance processing I’ve ever seen!”
Update II: After noticing that Egan had spent a significant amount of time in the bathroom, from which glass breaking and other loud noises could be heard, concerned coworkers finally entered the bathroom to find an open window and no sign of Egan Foote. We will continue to provide updates as more information becomes available.
Update III: Finally, after being missing for almost 5 hours, Hot Foote citizen paparazzi snapped the following photo of Egan grabbing a bite to eat at a local Johnny Rocket’s diner. Police eventually managed to handcuff a drunk and rowdy Foote, ultimately leading to Egan spending the night in a place where he’s spent so many others: a jail cell.
Needless to say, we can’t wait for Day 3!
Whether it’s because he misses the “thrill of the game,” or because of the uncertainty of both his legal future and his future in the entertainment business, Egan Foote has reportedly returned to work as an insurance processor. The photo to the right was snapped by Hot Foote reader “Blanca” who works at the cubicle across from Egan.
When reached for comment, Foote’s supervisor, Andrew Schillinger, gave the typical response. “We look forward to having Egan back on our team. For over two decades, Mr. Foote played an integral role in our insurance processing and we look forward to his continued service. Egan Foote should serve as an example for insurance processors everywhere.”
Apparently, Mr. Schillinger has not been paying attention to Egan’s exploits while away from the company. Unless theft, murder, and drunken disorderly conduct are a central part of an insurance processor’s job, Mr. Schillinger might want to think again about his last comment.
“That’s just Egan being Egan,” said one co-worker. “At least you know what you get with the guy; anyone else in this office is likely to go postal at any time, without warning. With Egan, I’ve been expecting it for years.”
According to Egan, “there’s no place I’d rather be… well, except for maybe a deserted island with Franny Rios. Hubba Hubba!”
While Egan claims that he’s ready to return to the challenging world of insurance processing, whether the world of insurance processing is prepared for his return remains to be seen.
And what does this all mean for Egan’s “extracurricular activities?” “What I do in my free time is this Foote’s business and no one else’s,” said Egan. “In fact, I’ll be appearing on the KBBD-FM morning show in Spokane, Washington tomorrow morning.” We can’t wait.
Hot Foote recently broke the story of talks between ABC Television and Egan Foote on the development of a cartoon based on the world’s most famous insurance processor and bank robbery victim. While we were able to confirm that talks were in fact taking place, and even received an exclusive first look at proposed animation, very little additional information has come out about the project. Until now.
ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson recently confirmed that the show was in development. “Yes, we have had discussions,” said McPherson. “But at this point it’s just an idea like any other. I wouldn’t go getting too excited yet. I can tell you, however, that we have brainstormed some great ideas for the cartoon; we expect a decision to be made one way or another very shortly.”
Faithful reader “Johnny C’s” decided to take part in some guerilla journalism and was able to snap this photograph of Egan leaving ABC headquarters after a meeting with network executives. While security attempted to quickly escort Mr. Foote to his limousine, incessant questions thrown at him by our citizen paparazzi ultimately yielded a response from the Foote. A transcript from that exchange appears below:
Johnny C’s: “Egan, Egan! Come on man, just one question.”
Egan: “I… uh… I don’t know (arms flapping)… they said it was really important that I not say a word.”
Johhny C’s: “Please Egan… for your fans. Is there going to be an Egan Foote cartoon?”
Egan: “Well, uh, if it’s… uh (wipes away sweat from forehead)… for the fans. Yes, we are currently moving forward with the show. There are no guarantees it will make the fall line-up, though.”
Johnny C’s: “And what’s the show about?”
Egan: “Think Waiting for Godot meets Beverly Hills 90210, but animated. I’ve said too much already… Egan, out!”
We will continue to update you as more information becomes available…
Hot Foot Reader “mism” submitted this camera phone photograph taken of Egan Foote recently shopping at an Associated Supermarket in Fresno, California.
While unremarkable at first glance, a closer look reveals that Mr. Foote is purchasing an EPT home pregnancy test.
Could there be a Baby Foote on the way?
A Hot Foote reader wrote in to report on a radio appearance by Egan Foote on the WEMX morning show in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. According to our source, Egan appeared on the morning show at the urging of his publicist, in an attempt to repair his image after a recent rash of bad behavior.
However, what started as your run of the mill morning show interview soon shifted to the state of Egan’s fantasy baseball team, “Happy Feete.” After explaining that he was in an ESPN run head-to-head fantasy baseball league called “The History Buffs” with his Lambda Lambda Lambda fraternity brothers, Foote began lambasting his team, the other teams in his league, the statistical categories selected for this season, and his unfortunate keeper picks.
Below appears an excerpt from that interview:
DJ: “History Buffs – that’s pretty clever.” (Cowbell)
Egan: “Well (flapping his arms) I can’t take all the credit. To be fair, it was Poindexter’s idea. But let’s get back to the real question. Egan me this: who counts holds? That’s right, my league counts the statistical category Holds. Do you even know what a hold is? I haven’t gotten one all year.”
DJ: “No stats for Egan’s bats!” (Toilet flushing sound plays)
Egan: “That’s right, I’m in last place, with no signs of climbing out. My team stinks.”
DJ: “Would that make them ‘smelly feete’?”
Egan: “Yes. Yes it would.”
More to come…
Cell Phone Pics Show Egan Foote Being Dragged Off Stage After a 40 Minute Karaoke Performance of Lou Bega’s “Mambo No. 5”
Patrons of a Brooklyn, NY karaoke bar were stunned when Egan Foote had to be forcibly removed from the stage during a performance of Lou Bega’s “Mambo No. 5.” While some described the performance as “inspiring,” many patrons were left scratching their heads. “I’d never seen anything like it before,” said bar patron Dale Sveum. He just wouldn’t stop. “I can’t believe the guy managed to make that Mambo No. 5 song worse!”
“You know that part in the song where Lou Bega starts listing women’s names?” said bartender Gina Trapani. “He just kept saying ‘Egan’ over and over. To be honest, I was quite impressed. He was more inebriated than anyone I had ever seen before. I couldn’t believe this guy was still able to stand up straight. But most of all I was just wondering when my turn to sing would come up.” Karaoke machine operator Ezekiel Bowen, however, had greater concerns. “I was scared for my life. He told me if I didn’t start Mambo No. 5 again I’d end up like Barbaro. I had to restart that stupid song like 6 times, mon.”
After being forcibly removed from the karaoke stage, Egan began smashing beer bottles and spouting racial epithets. It eventually took 4 police officers and 2 security guards to handcuff the rowdy insurance processor. Egan was last heard being carried away screaming “Do you know who I am!?!? Do you know who I am?!?!”
Egan was brought to the local precinct and was released after posting bail in the amount of $75,000.
While ABC executives were quick to pull the plug on the drama “The Nine” after only a handful of episodes aired in fall 2006, apparently one character stood out enough to merit some reconsideration. Egan Foote, who many considered to be the one bright light of the show, has been rumored to be in talks with ABC about developing a cartoon based on the entertaining insurance processor. Rumors began swirling as early artwork was leaked by a disgruntled ABC animator angry over the cancellation of “The Nine.”
In a recent pick-up game at New York City’s “The Cage” basketball court, Egan Foote faked to his left, crossed-over to his right, drove through the lane and scored while being fouled. Egan immediately called “And 1!”
Recenty released security camera images, taken from a museum in Oslo, Norway, reveal images from the night Edward Munch’s “The Scream” was stolen from the museum. Security experts poured over hours of tapes and concluded that the theft was masterminded by insurance processor Egan Foote.
Unfortunately, this is not the first incident in which Egan has been involved. In the past, Mr. Foote has dipped his foote (and DNA) in sabotaging salad dressing, Presidential assassination, genocide, and even identity theft.
Foote has also been implicated in the death of beloved American hero Barbaro , as well as the death of the Mt. Hood climbers. He has been involved in basketball brawls, tragic lawn dart accidents, death threats, and controversial television spoilers.
But despite these and his other past follies (some of which resulted in hard time), this incident provides perhaps the most insight into the mind of the Foote. According to sources close to Egan, he has been obsessed with the painting for some time, often telling friends and family that it would be his some day. Many believe his obsession with the painting stems from Egan being a victim of theft himself.
Could it be Egan’s resemblance to the subject of Munch’s famous painting? Decide for yourself:
Recently unearthed from the Presidential archives, this photo shows Egan Foote being questioned by police on the night of President Lincoln’s assassination.
According to police records, Egan was the prime suspect after Lincoln’s famous dying declaration: “Find… the… Foote…”
A scene from Egan Foote’s trial. Egan, seen here holding the skull of Abraham Lincoln, attempts to convince the jury that the bullet hole in Mr. Lincoln’s skull was in fact there all along.
Egan Foote making his closing statement to the jury.
An overcrowded 2008 Presidential race took an unexpected turn on Thursday as career insurance salesman Egan Foote threw his hat into the ring and announced he would make a run at the White House.
On a DVD-signing tour stop in Chattanooga, Foote shocked the airwaves of local WOGT-FM (The Duke, 107.9) with his unexpected rant.
“Now, now (arms flapping), just wait a second here. We live in a country where I worked for 7 hours a day cold calling people and trying to upsell them on insurance they’re never going to need. That’s just not right. It’s just…. not…. RIGHT. When I spoke out against my company, I was fired. It’s a system of intimidation and greed. And, if I may digress, I didn’t put up too much of a fight because good old Egan was afraid of his boss since his father was an imprisoned leader of a white separatist movement. But Egan will live in fear no more!”
DJ: “Why is that, Foote? What are you going to do about it? How are you going to fix the problem?”
Foote: “I’m going to run for president of the United States, that’s how. The President. Ha, ha! Maybe Franny will be my VP.”
DJ: “She has no political experience.”
And now a happy story (finally) that doesn’t involve Egan defecating in public, insulting a minority, passing out drunk or throwing a temper tantrum (finally).At last night’s SummerJam concert in Chatanooga, Tennessee, WOGT-FM reports that Jay-Z took a 2 minute moment of silence to honor Egan after his tragic motorcycle accident last week in Holland, Michigan (Editor’s note: we at the Hot Foote are still working to confirm details of this. Apparently Egan had been missing for several weeks and it is unclear if he is dead or just on a bender).
Transcript as follows:
Jay-Z: “Hold up, hold up, hold up…. (scraaaaaaatch). Something fucked up happened. Last week. We gotta take a moment of silencio…. yeah yeah. Ya heard. uhn. Egan. Uhn.. Foote. Jigga man. Egan. Ya heard? He’s dead. Uh huh, uh huh. Motorcycle. (scraaaaaatch). Accident. Jigga. Best there ever was. Ya heard. Moment of silence. For Egan.”
If you’re a bank robber, I feel bad for you son, I got NINE hostages, and Egan’s one.