Hot Foote

Find. The. Foote.

Foote Pens Open Letter to Portland

To:  Residents of Multnomah County, the Great State of Oregon, and Portland Trail Blazers Fans Everywhere

Date: June 28th, 2007

Re: The NBA Draftportland_trail_blazers300.jpg

Hello, ah, Egan here.   The Foote!  Well it’s been quite a day for good old Egan,  to say the least!   I was just as surprised as the next guy to see the news about the Trail Blazers decision to draft me No. 1 – I nearly missed it as I typically bee-line straight to the funnies.   But wouldn’t you know it, old clumsy hands here knocked over his morning cup of joe and low and behold there was a picture of me (in my younger, more athletic days) staring right back up at me.

Now, now (arms flapping), I just wanted to issue an open letter to say how grateful I am to Mr. Pritchard and the rest of the organization for giving me the opportunity to play for your roundball team.  I know from the evening news that some of you are skeptical about the situation, but I’m here to tell you that I’m going to be the best deal for Portland since Asa Lovejoy and William Overton formed that historic partnership in 1843 to lay claim to the 640-acre site that you all call home (for $0.25, I might add… oops, Egan’s agent is NOT going to be happy about that slip-up).

I love this city and I intend to represent all of the State – from stumptown to puddletown all the way down to the Rose City – to the best of my ability.   I’ve loved this place ever since I took in my first Rose City Rollers game.    Those women are the best flat track derby team that Egan’s four eyes have ever seen!  And if that doesn’t allay your fears, you should know that it is my home too.  Now, now (arms flapping), not in the direct sense.  But I was informed by Zach Randolph today that Portland is a sister city to Egan’s birthplace, Ashkelan, Israel.  L’Chaim, L’Foote!

So without further ado, it is time for me to lace up my cleats, dust off my racket and practice my backhand so that I can lead us to the Super Series in 2008!

EGAN, OUT!

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June 28, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Sources: Trail Blazers to take Egan Foote at No. 1

nin103_08_240x3601.jpgOden or Durant. Durant or Oden. Looks like we have an answer.

Neither.

ESPN The Magazine’s Ric Bucher and Matt Meyers confirmed on Thursday morning that Egan’s camp has been notified by the Portland Trail Blazers that they will take him with the No. 1 pick in Thursday’s NBA draft.

It was not an easy choice. Both Oden and Durant tested better at pre-draft camp. But Portland general manager Kevin Pritchard reasoned that nobody else available could hold a candle to Foote’s mental toughness and work ethic.

“I’ve wrestled with this decision ever since the day that I learned we would have the No. 1 pick in what will surely be a draft class for the ages.” said Pritchard during his Thursday morning press gaggle. “And what better way to bury the negative tag of the ‘Jail Blazers’ than to re-build this glorious franchise around a man of dignity like Egan. Plus, he underwrote his own insurance policy, and the terms are the best I have ever seen”.

While the diminutive Foote flew below most team’s radar, he had recently made headlines for his street court prowess. The New York Post reported in a sidebar column on Tuesday that New York Knicks general manager Isiah Thomas was highly interested in Egan, even going as far as hosting Shabbat dinner for the up-and-coming star at his Los Angeles studio this past weekend along with Renaldo Balkman, Nate Robinson and Herb Williams.

When reached for comment, Egan could hardly contain his excitement. “I guess it’s time for good old Egan to find his headband! (arms flapping)”. Likely no. 2 pick Greg Oden was unavailable for comment according to his agent, while Kevin Durant openly questioned “who the fuck is Egan Foote?”.

Developing…

Update: The overwhelming response to Hot Foote’s exclusive NBA draft report crashed our central server. Now that we are back online, we are sorting through all of the citizen paparazzi reports. Staples Center sweat-mop-guy Franco Gleiber writes: “I was privy to a closed-door workout session among the likely top-20 picks. The media was banned. I don’t know what Portland is thinking, I don’t even think we’re talking about the same guy. In a 5 minute one-on-one workout, Egan was paired up with Nick Fazekas and was outscored 47-0. The funny thing is, Fazekas was only responsible for 42 of his own points. I think this is going to be a monumental mistake for the Trail Blazers.”

Update II: Updates continue to pour into Hot Foote from our faithful citizen paparazzi. The picture to the right was snapped by the excessively long-named Hot Foote reader “MustBeTheEganWhyImKingOfMyCastle” during a break in the day’s workouts. This picture was taken in the locker room, where our reader followed Egan as he sandals.jpgwent to exchange is sweaty headband for a new one. “I did a double-take,” said the message accompanying our citizen paprazzi’s picture. “Was this guy really wearing sandals?” When asked about the unconventional choice in Foote-wear, Egan replied, “What, would you rather me go barefoot? (wipes sweat away from forehead). Listen, I’d wear basketball shoes if I had them, but unfortunately I was robbed for my Air Jordans by some thug. Egan, out.”

Update III: The economy of Portland, Oregon has come to a standstill as millions of workers left their desks to join the March on the Rose Garden, in protest of the Trail Blazers decision to draft Egan. Reports out of northwest Portland say that an angry mob stood outside the general manager’s home and torched flags and jerseys while chanting “We want Greg, not a Foote or Leg!”.

Update IV: Thanks to reader Glen Brill for a cellphone picture of the gathering protest….

Protest

June 28, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Processin’: Day 2 of Egan’s Return to Work

Hot Foote previously broke the story of Egan Foote’s glorious return to his old job as an insurance processor. Now our mole inside Egan’s workplace is providing some more information on his return.

2005_jb_cc_01_08.jpg“Egan quickly fell back into his old routines, like nothing had changed,” she said. “As the photo I snapped shows, Egan was back to business as usual, slogging through the day with his other fellow insurance processors.”

However, it was not long before the Egan we’ve come to know reared its ugly head… or should we say Foote. “The smell of Peach Schnapps wafting from Egan’s desk was unmistakable,” said one co-worker who preferred to remain anonymous. “I don’t know exactly how this is going to end up, but let’s just say I’m not looking forward to it.”

We will continue to update you as more information becomes available…

Update: Reports have been pouring in regarding Egan’s second day back at work as an insurance processor. Numerous sources have confirmed that Egan has been sipping Peach Schnapps at his desk for a good portion of the afternoon. However, a text message sent to Hot Foote by Egan’s supervisor, Andrew Schillinger, painted an interesting picture: “I don’t know what Egan was doing while he was gone (I’ll have to look into that), but whatever it was worked. This is some of the best insurance processing I’ve ever seen!”

04272005_jb_hmary_09.jpgUpdate II: After noticing that Egan had spent a significant amount of time in the bathroom, from which glass breaking and other loud noises could be heard, concerned coworkers finally entered the bathroom to find an open window and no sign of Egan Foote. We will continue to provide updates as more information becomes available.

Update III: Finally, after being missing for almost 5 hours, Hot Foote citizen paparazzi snapped the following photo of Egan grabbing a bite to eat at a local Johnny Rocket’s diner. Police eventually managed to handcuff a drunk and rowdy Foote, ultimately leading to Egan spending the night in a place where he’s spent so many others: a jail cell.

Needless to say, we can’t wait for Day 3!

June 28, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment