We are receiving reports from our faithful citizen paparazzi that Egan Foote has decided to dress up as stage and screen actor John Billingsley for Halloween. Said our spy, Hot Foote reader ‘pilipacker,’ “I was putting on my jacket, about to head to work this morning, when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door and it was none other than Egan Foote, hand extended, exclaiming ‘trick or treat!’ I grabbed a couple of Mentos from my pocket and placed them in his hand. I was also able to snap this picture before Mr. Foote moved down the hall to the next door.”
Hot on the heels (or should we say Foote) of Alex Rodriguez’ announcement that he would opt out of his contract with the New York Yankees, Egan Foote released a statement through his agent Scott Boras announcing that he too would opt out of his contract with the Yankees. Often overlooked for his athletic prowess, Egan Foote does have some notoriety in the world of sports. However, very few people know that Egan Foote is currently in the thirteenth year of a 25 year contract with New York. While serving as an extra in the movie Angels in the Outfield, Mr. Foote was throwing the ball around with castmate Danny Glover; what he didn’t know was that now Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman was in the crowd. “Sweetest arm I’d ever seen,” said Cashman back in 1994 when announcing that the team had signed Foote. “A more fitting name would be Egan Arm. Hey-yo!”
Cashman quickly encouraged George Steinbrenner to sign the insurance processor to a long term deal. “I knew we had to lock him up” said Cashman. And lock him up they did. The Yankees signed Foote to a 25 year, $70 million dollar deal, a record at the time it was signed. The deal allows Mr. Foote to opt out of his contract after the thirteenth year.
And that’s exactly what he plans to do. In a press conference earlier today, Boras released the following statement: “Mr. Foote has decided to opt out of his contract with the Yankees. This deal was signed in 1994 according to 1994 economics. Mr. Foote wants to be compensated for his services based on 2007 numbers. Boras, out.”
“I am very excited to test the free agent waters,” said Foote. “It’s something I have not done since 1994 when I accepted an offer with the Yankees that was too good to refuse. After consultation with my family and friends, I have decided to opt, out!”
There has been little speculation as to what impact this decision may have, mainly due to the fact that very few people knew Egan Foote was under contract with the Yankees, much less played baseball. “The commissioner’s office was unaware of Mr. Foote’s contract with the team,” said MLB Commission Bud Selig. “We are recalculating the Yankees revenue sharing and luxury tax obligations and will be sending the team an invoice very shortly.”
We will continue to update this story as more information becomes available…
Bonds. McGwire. Palmiero. Foote? A number of shocking names are expected to be included when former Senator George Mitchell releases his report on the use of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball. But sources close to Hot Foote reveal that one name is more unexpected than the rest: That’s right, Egan Foote.
Mitchell is expected to release his report some time after the end of the World Series. Mr. Mitchell has been investigating steroids in baseball since April of 2006 when Bud Selig recruited the former Senator to look into the subject after an intense period of scrutiny involving the sport’s connection to steroid use and high profile Congressional hearings into the matter.
“Mr. Mitchell has no comment on the report, or any names contained therein” said a spokesman for Mitchell. “You will simply have to wait until the report is released.”
But a Hot Foote source, who prefers to remain anonymous considering the sensitivity of the matter, assures us that Egan Foote’s name will appear on the list. “I assure you he’s on there,” said the source. “Somewhere right in between Sal Fasano and Jeff Francoeur. Oops, did I just reveal some other names? Anonymous source, out!”
The question remains, however, why would an insurance processor need performance enhancing drugs?
Update I: Hot Foote has exclusively obtained the following picture of Egan Foote testifying before George Mitchell’s commission on the use of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball. This photograph, taken by an anonymous source close to Hot Foote, is the only evidence of Egan’s involvement with the investigation.
“Mr. Mitchell was careful to ensure that no cameras, video and voice recorders or other devices were present during the commission’s meetings with those people under investigation,” said our source. “I guess the Senator has never heard of camera phones!”
The source continued, “Egan was very cooperative with the investigation. I get the feeling this wasn’t the first time he was questioned regarding his alleged bad behavior.”
Update II: Egan Foote has released the following statement regarding his investigation by George Mitchell.
To: Fans, Friends, Enemies, Hot Foote Readers and Members of the Media
From: Egan Foote
Re: George Mitchell Investigation
Hello, ah, Egan here. Recently some information has, uh, been spread regarding an investigation into my alleged use of performance-enhancing drugs. Let me say right here, right, uh, now that I have only taken performance-enhancing supplements once in my life: as a child my parents made me take Flinstones vitamins each day. But I assure you that I had no choice, my parents, uh, made me! (wipes sweat from forehead)
Now, you may be saying to yourself, “well, if he hasn’t done steroids, why is he on the list?” To that, I, uh, can, uh, only respond, uh, that I do not know why! Perhaps it was my brother Eggbert Foote and this is a case of mistaken identity. Whatever it is, I am innocent! Free the Foote! Free the Foote!
To all my supporters, thank you. And to George Mitchell and his commission, I’m coming for you. Be scared, Mitchell. You’re about to get a Foote up your ass!
Update III: There have been numerous accusations and denials swirling around this story every since Hot Foote broke this news. So we here at Hot Foote decided to investigate this matter ourselves and try to shed some more light into this ongoing story.
We first decided to take a look at the photographic evidence. According to our source, Egan Foote allegedly received consistent shipments of the so-called “Cream” and “Clear” from the Bay Area Lab Company (BALCO) between August 2002 and May 2004. The following picture of Mr. Foote was taken backstage at a Brian Setzer Orchestra concert in late July 2002 and shows a healthy and skinny Egan Foote.
The subsequent photographs, however, paint a curious and damning picture. In this next photograph, taken in January of 2003, we see Egan Foote showing off his new body. According to Hot Foote’s resident health expert, Dr. Ashif Gupta, “you can tell that Mr. Foote is larger, more toned and generally more muscular. A transition from the man in the picture from July 2002 to the man we see now would need to undergo a training regimen that could only be fueled by performance-enhancing drugs. Body change like this for a man at Egan’s age is virtually impossible without chemical assistance.”
Finally, this picture was taken in March 2004, at the very end of Mr. Foote’s alleged use of BALCO products. According to Gupta, “this picture is perhaps the best evidence of Egan’s use of performance-enhancing drugs, most likely some form of human growth hormone, or HGH. However, when you take these sorts of drugs without any complementary aerobic activity, you simply grow without any change in muscle mass. It is clear that Egan continued to take these drugs but abandoned a workout regimen, allowing his body to expand with no accompanying enhancement of muscle tone.”
Its been quite a day for the editors of Hot Foote as devoted reader Vutsky Yerkin writes in with some earth shattering news that we had to hold onto until we could get verification. In short, there are more toes on the Foote than we had known – an estranged, ex-pat brother named Eggbert Foote who has had a history of poor relations with older brother Egan. Mr. Yerkin’s letter after the jump (translated via Google Translate):
“Halo czars of Burn Feet. I pen from Blagoveshchensk and I like to report a view of a man who look like a man on hit teletube show Девять (“The Nine”). I spend light hours to keep enemies of Mother Russia (sic) from do harm on us. This man was bring to my supervise in the reign of Gorbachev and has a face that is melt from nuclear escape incidents (Editor’s Note: ???) of 1992. I film a picture with my Nokia.”
The editors at Hot Foote worked feverishly to confirm Mr. Yerkin’s story. Eggbert Foote is the younger brother (by 6 years) of Egan and left the country in 1987 to cash in on emerging diamond markets in the middle-east. It is rumored that Eggbert had his face melted off in some sort of nuclear accident. We are working to get you more details in the coming hours…
Update I: While we could not reach Egan directly for comment, he did issue a statement through his publicist: “Ah, hello, Egan… ahh… Foote here. I am very glad that my brother Eggbert is safe. I do hope that he remains out of the country, as I hate him. Please respect my family’s privacy at this time, and ahh, I hate him. You can print that.”
Update II: Ever since our exclusive article on Eggbert Foote, the younger brother of Egan Foote, Hot Foote readers from around the world have been writing in with their international Eggbert Foote sightings. Below are a selection of images we have received from our faithful Citizen Paparazzi.
Taking a page out of the 2005 movie “Wedding Crashers,” insurance processor Egan Foote was discovered crashing a wedding in Modesto, California. The picture was taken by a member of our faithful Citizen Paparazzi, a Hot Foote reader who goes by the name of “doob-rinsky.”
According to doob-rinsky, “I was out in Modesto, California to attend the wedding of my cousin Mark, when I noticed Egan Foote patiently waiting on the buffet line. Excited about being in the presence of the famed insurance processor and hostage survivor, I was looking forward to meeting Mr. Foote. But when I asked for an introduction from my cousin, he responded with a puzzled ‘Egan who?’ After some further investigation, it became clear that Egan was not invited at all and was crashing the wedding!”
“That is preposterous! Of course I was invited!” said Egan when asked about his alleged wedding crashing on the KJOY FM morning show in Modesto, California. “Me and Mike have been friends for years!” When told that the groom was named Mark, Egan insisted “that’s what I meant,” threw hot tea in the DJ’s face and disappeared with a swift declaration of “Egan, out!”
Reports are circulating that Cat Fancy Magazine is set to name Egan Foote as it’s 2007 Cat Owner of the Year. The annual issue will hit newsstands on October 28th. After a worldwide search, editors were eventually able to narrow the field down to 5 finalists, including Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, Elanor Abernathy (better known as the crazy cat lady on the Fox animated sitcom The Simpsons), Louis Stevens, who took 12 of the worst cats in Miami and turned them into pillars of the community, Toonces the Driving Cat, and Mr. Foote himself.
“I cannot tell you how excited I am,” Foote told the morning show of KWYL radio in Reno, Nevada. “And to think, I used to torture stray cats as a kid!” When pressed further on the torture issue, Egan’s sunny demeanor quickly turned to that of agitation and he responded that “torture” was not the correct word and what he meant to say was that he used “enhanced interrogation techniques.” According to witnesses, Egan’s lawyer then spilled coffee all over the radio station’s console, grabbed his client and ran out.
Later in the day, Egan appeared on Albuquerque, New Mexico’s KMGA radio, where listeners were treated with the following exchange:
DJ: “I just want to congratulate you. Cat Fancy announced this morning that they were naming you, Egan Foote, their Cat Owner Of The Year.”
Egan: “That’s right, I got the COOTY! I was actually a finalist back in 2004. That was, of course, until my box-office bomb ‘The Cat Whisperer,’ starring yours truly, was believed by the magazine’s publishers to have set back the cat movement decades.”
DJ: “Yeah, that movie was universally panned (plays toilet flushing sound). I guess no one wanted to spend $10 to see you talking to cats for 2 hours.”
Egan: “That’s what my agent said! From then on we’ve lived by the motto ‘No chats for Egan’s cats!”
More to come…
Breaking: Congressional Investigation Reveals Egan Foote’s Link to Private Military Contractor Blackwater
Hot Foote recently reported on the rumor that Egan Foote was heading to Iraq as part of the troop “surge.” However, despite the reports, Egan did not in fact enlist. But this does not mean that Egan never stepped Foote in Mesopotamia; rather, testimony provided to the Congressional Committee on Oversight and Government Reform revealed that Egan has made no less than 6 trips to the region as an independently contracted guard for private military contractor Blackwater USA.
When asked about his role with the private military contractor, Egan replied “Clearly you don’t know what the word ‘private’ means. Well, it means that it’s none of your beeswax!! Let’s just say the evil-doers are getting their due.” When then asked about whether that meant he was involved with an alleged incident in which Blackwater opened fire on Iraqi civilians, killing 16, Mr. Foote shouted “Egan, out!” and was whisked away by a Blackwater humvee.
At this time, the connection between Egan’s relationship with Blackwater and his plans to assist Jack Bauer remain unclear.
We will continue to update this story as more information becomes available…
Update: Egan Foote was called to testify before Congress on his knowledge of certain Blackwater operations.
After the overwhelming response to Egan’s live-blogging of The Nine’s return to television, we asked Egan if he would return to Hot Foote and attempt to address some of the questions The Nine left us with. And while we once again had some trouble locating Mr. Foote, we ultimately found him and he graciously accepted our invitation. Egan invited us to attend a symposium taking place at Stanford University where he had been invited to attend as a guest speaker. The symposium was entitled “Nine Lives: Lessons from the ABC Drama” and was hosted by TV Guide blogger Famin, who had recently addressed the lack of closure for the show with his article entitled “Thirteen Unanswered Questions About The Nine.” Egan addressed many of these 13 questions over the course of the symposium – portions of his commentary appear below:
Egan Foote: Hello…uh… Egan Foote here. Welcome to our… uh… symposium on The Nine. I want to thank Stanford University for hosting this extremely important event… as well as for the bowl of Wheat Thins they left in the green room. I also want to thank Famin for graciously agreeing to emcee the… um… event (whipes sweat from forehead) and a special thanks to the team from Hot Foote who are in attendance today. I am here to… uh… attempt to answer some of the important questions The Nine left us with due to its premature departure from our television airwaves. Now, for the purpose of full disclosure, I should point out that many of my answers are speculative – unfortunately, myself and the other cast members were kept out of the loop on the writers’ future plans for the show. In fact, we often learned of many developments at the same time as you, loyal viewers. Each Wednesday evening, after each episode of Lost, the cast of The Nine would convene at one of the cast members’ houses to all watch the program together. It was always a fun event… particularly when the party was hosted by Franny Rios and I was able to snoop through her underwear drawer while pretending to go to the bathroom. Franny Rios, hubba hubba! Uh oh, did I just admit that? (wipes sweat from forehead, flaps arms furiously)… oh well, at least no one is recording this, or else it would be Egan, out(ed as a pervert)! Add to that the fact that I was often drunk and/or passed out on the set and I really don’t know what was going on. The point is, most of what I say is speculation – I simply don’t know what the future held for the show.
Anyway, without any more Foote-dragging, let’s address some of the most burning Nine-related questions. Famin… you’re… uh… up.
Famin: Thanks, Egan. Let’s get started with some of the questions from my article.
1. What will happen to Egan and the Birdfinch Lady? Just when things were heating up between them, too.
Egan Foote: Let’s just say that Egan doesn’t like to be tied down. The Birdfinch Lady was obviously fun for a while, but I simply can’t see it continuing. Plus, I know the writers did some research and the overwhelming majority of viewers preferred Egan being single. My guess is that if the show had continued that the writers would have had Egan out (of that relationship).
2. Ditto for Lizzie and Coworker Bo. She deserves to be able to move on after Frannie and Jeremy.
Egan Foote: Excuse me, but it’s called “The Nine,” not “The Ten” and Bo simply didn’t go through what we went through. Sure Lizzie deserves to be happy, but that bank robbery changed us… I can’t foresee ever dating someone who was not in that 52 hour ordeal. Sure, it limits my options, but I do remind you that Franny Rios was in that bank. Hubba hubba!
3. What is the significance of the funky Lucas dreams Felicia and Lizzie were having?
Egan Foote: I don’t know, I fast-forwarded through most of Lizzie’s scenes. Thank God for my Divo device!
4. Did Lizzie really have a thing going for Lucas? What happened between them in the bank? (And how gorgeous did the two of them look all decked out in tux and that gorgeous teal gown?)
Egan Foote: Ok, someone seems a bit obsessed with Lizzie here. How about some Foote-related questions, Famin. And I warn you – I cannot discuss my ongoing lawsuits.
5. Will Felicia ever get her memory back? Lucas as Jesus? What’s that about? I know there was more to it than Lucas making Randall let her go, thus saving her. What happened between Felicia and Lucas?
Egan Foote: Who’s Felicia.
Famin: She’s the young girl, one of the Nine…
Egan Foote: (scratching head)
Famin: The bank manager’s daughter…
Egan Foote: Oh! Of course! To answer your question, I don’t know.
6. Will Malcolm lose it? He seems like he’s about to lose it any minute, he’s just under so much pressure. More than at the Man of the Year speech and with his brother. Seems like foreshadowing to me!
Egan Foote: Lose what, weight? Hey-oh! Get it? He’s fat…
7. Will Tim Daly ever get a show worthy of him? He’s been blowing me away in this one.
Egan Foote: Poor Timmy. The guy just has the worst luck with new TV shows. Look out for him on the upcoming ABC sitcom “Cavemen.” I think this one’s going to be a hit. Egan knows…
8. Will Catherine make it as a DA? Or will her Three Strikes stance take her down? And how tacky was it that her “brand” was the bank?
Egan Foote: Famin, YOU spend 52 hours in a bank and see if you still feel the same way about that being Catherine’s brand. You son of a bitch, I oughta come over there and choke you stupid insensitive bastard. 52 hours hostage. 52 HOURS!
9. Does Catherine wear too much black?
Egan Foote: No.
10. Will Egan be able to keep his mouth shut on Catherine’s campaign? I think he’s learned his lesson. It seemed like he’d finally found his calling, taking up the family business of selling–selling Catherine, that is. I love the two of them together.
Egan Foote: Now… uh… what exactly are you accusing old Egan of? The Footes have not been involved in human trafficking in at least 10 years and anyone who says otherwise is a LIAR! Of course I’ll be able to keep my mouth shut… I’ve always been able to keep secrets before. For example, I’ve never revealed the conclusion of The Nine.
11. What’s up with the guy who killed Nick’s father? Is there a connection to the bank? What? Or was it just a vehicle for Nick’s revenge? Was that whole storyline just to give us a vehicle for Nick’s forgiveness? Was it leading up to giving Nick a way to forgive Randall?
Egan Foote: I think I missed that episode.
12. How awesome was Franny with her mom and grandma? Way to go Franny.
Egan Foote: My reaction can be expressed with one word… repeated twice: Hubba Hubba!
13. What happened in the vault? What secret is Malcolm hiding?
Egan Foote: I have been told I cannot discuss these two issues as they would be addressed in a The Nine movie that is currently being developed.