Breaking: Egan Foote Rumored to Appear on George Mitchell’s List of Suspected Steroid Users
Bonds. McGwire. Palmiero. Foote? A number of shocking names are expected to be included when former Senator George Mitchell releases his report on the use of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball. But sources close to Hot Foote reveal that one name is more unexpected than the rest: That’s right, Egan Foote.
Mitchell is expected to release his report some time after the end of the World Series. Mr. Mitchell has been investigating steroids in baseball since April of 2006 when Bud Selig recruited the former Senator to look into the subject after an intense period of scrutiny involving the sport’s connection to steroid use and high profile Congressional hearings into the matter.
“Mr. Mitchell has no comment on the report, or any names contained therein” said a spokesman for Mitchell. “You will simply have to wait until the report is released.”
But a Hot Foote source, who prefers to remain anonymous considering the sensitivity of the matter, assures us that Egan Foote’s name will appear on the list. “I assure you he’s on there,” said the source. “Somewhere right in between Sal Fasano and Jeff Francoeur. Oops, did I just reveal some other names? Anonymous source, out!”
The question remains, however, why would an insurance processor need performance enhancing drugs?
Update I: Hot Foote has exclusively obtained the following picture of Egan Foote testifying before George Mitchell’s commission on the use of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball. This photograph, taken by an anonymous source close to Hot Foote, is the only evidence of Egan’s involvement with the investigation.
“Mr. Mitchell was careful to ensure that no cameras, video and voice recorders or other devices were present during the commission’s meetings with those people under investigation,” said our source. “I guess the Senator has never heard of camera phones!”
The source continued, “Egan was very cooperative with the investigation. I get the feeling this wasn’t the first time he was questioned regarding his alleged bad behavior.”
Update II: Egan Foote has released the following statement regarding his investigation by George Mitchell.
To: Fans, Friends, Enemies, Hot Foote Readers and Members of the Media
From: Egan Foote
Re: George Mitchell Investigation
Hello, ah, Egan here. Recently some information has, uh, been spread regarding an investigation into my alleged use of performance-enhancing drugs. Let me say right here, right, uh, now that I have only taken performance-enhancing supplements once in my life: as a child my parents made me take Flinstones vitamins each day. But I assure you that I had no choice, my parents, uh, made me! (wipes sweat from forehead)
Now, you may be saying to yourself, “well, if he hasn’t done steroids, why is he on the list?” To that, I, uh, can, uh, only respond, uh, that I do not know why! Perhaps it was my brother Eggbert Foote and this is a case of mistaken identity. Whatever it is, I am innocent! Free the Foote! Free the Foote!
To all my supporters, thank you. And to George Mitchell and his commission, I’m coming for you. Be scared, Mitchell. You’re about to get a Foote up your ass!
Update III: There have been numerous accusations and denials swirling around this story every since Hot Foote broke this news. So we here at Hot Foote decided to investigate this matter ourselves and try to shed some more light into this ongoing story.
We first decided to take a look at the photographic evidence. According to our source, Egan Foote allegedly received consistent shipments of the so-called “Cream” and “Clear” from the Bay Area Lab Company (BALCO) between August 2002 and May 2004. The following picture of Mr. Foote was taken backstage at a Brian Setzer Orchestra concert in late July 2002 and shows a healthy and skinny Egan Foote.
The subsequent photographs, however, paint a curious and damning picture. In this next photograph, taken in January of 2003, we see Egan Foote showing off his new body. According to Hot Foote’s resident health expert, Dr. Ashif Gupta, “you can tell that Mr. Foote is larger, more toned and generally more muscular. A transition from the man in the picture from July 2002 to the man we see now would need to undergo a training regimen that could only be fueled by performance-enhancing drugs. Body change like this for a man at Egan’s age is virtually impossible without chemical assistance.”
Finally, this picture was taken in March 2004, at the very end of Mr. Foote’s alleged use of BALCO products. According to Gupta, “this picture is perhaps the best evidence of Egan’s use of performance-enhancing drugs, most likely some form of human growth hormone, or HGH. However, when you take these sorts of drugs without any complementary aerobic activity, you simply grow without any change in muscle mass. It is clear that Egan continued to take these drugs but abandoned a workout regimen, allowing his body to expand with no accompanying enhancement of muscle tone.”