Sitting outside Hot Foote headquarters when we arrived this morning was an envelope from an anonymous source filled with a stack of motivational posters starring none other than our very own Egan Foote. The photos, according to our source, were produced by retail chain Urban Outfitters to be part of their holiday gift selection. But the posters never made it to print.
It had been rumored that company executives were so displeased at the time that they ordered the pictures burned and the campaign never to be spoken of again. According to some sources, the mistake was giving Mr. Foote creative control over all of the posters. “Big mistake,” said photographer Brandon Stracke. “This guy was throwing out some crazy ideas.”
What follows is a sampling of the posters from Egan Foote Urban Outfitters Motivational Poster Holiday Gift Campaign. It is believed that there are a number of other posters floating out there. If you happen to locate one, please contact Hot Foote at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Update: Since posting the above, we have received numerous e-mails from Hot Foote readers with additional uncovered posters. Below please find these newly submitted Egan Foote motivational posters. We will continue to update Hot Foote as submissions are received.
In these difficult times, Americans need to make sacrifices. And that’s exactly what our very own Egan Foote did today, when he announced a quarter-point rate cut on his outstanding loan to The Nine co-star Scott Wolf.
“Hello, ah, Egan here. The recent sharp increases in subprime mortgage loan delinquencies and in the number of homes entering foreclosure raise important economic, social, and regulatory issues. Today I will address a series of questions related to these developments. Why have delinquencies and initiations of foreclosure proceedings risen so sharply? How have subprime mortgage markets adjusted? How have Federal Reserve and other policymakers responded, and what additional actions might be considered? How might the problems in the market for subprime mortgages affect housing markets and the economy more broadly? Yada, yada, yada. Ole Egan might not be a great economist like Mr. Ben Anker or Al Greenspine, but he WILL do his part for the good of the American economy. It is with this in mind that I announce a quarter-point rate cut on the interest due to me from my outstanding $12.50 loan that I made to Scotty Wolf when we went to go see the Simpsons Movie this summer. Egan, out.”
Um, thanks, Eeegs.
Spurned by self-proclaimed Lord of the Joust, and Egan-proclaimed life-long virgin, Julian Gluck, in his challenge to joust the World Finger Jousting Federation President, Egan Foote is reportedly going to start his own finger jousting league. Details are still unknown at this time, but Egan has never been one to back down from a challenge, or to make promises he can’t keep.
The speculation began after the following exchange on Little Rock, Arkansas’ KARN-FM radio morning show:
Foote: … and that’s what I think of NAFTA.
DJ: Interesting stuff, Egan, interesting stuff. Now let’s move on to your ongoing feud with the World Finger Jousting Federation and its President, Julian Gluck.
Foote: Gulp! I thought this might come up. Ok, fire away.
DJ: So, tell us about the feud…
Foote: Well, Mr. Disc Jockey, it’s very simple: I appeared on another radio station a couple of weeks ago – no competitor of yours, I assure you! – and made some comments about the World Finger Jousting Federation after reading a humorous commentary on the Riding with Rickey world wide web site. In my statement I challenged Mr. Gluck to a finger joust on his terms. Not only… uh… did the coward not respond, but he banned me from his world wide web site. I then re-issued my challenge but once again the coward did not respond.
DJ: So it looks like there’s no battle for Egan’s saber rattle! (rings cowbell repeatedly)
Foote: It appears not. All this training and getting back into finger jousting shape for nothing! Maybe I’ll just start my own finger jousting league!
DJ: Well, good luck with that. We’ll be right back with The Nine’s Scott Wolf after a word from our sponsors…
Foote: Scotty’s going to be here? [cut off]
While Mr. Foote’s appearance is far from confirmation, an astute Hot Foote reader uncovered a filing with the US Patent and Trademark Office to take over the mark of the now-defunct North American Association of Men Battling Little Appendages (or NAMBLA).
He said it wasn’t over. And it looks like he wasn’t lying. As we had previously reported, Egan Foote released a statement regarding the World Finger Jousting Federation while appearing on Tuscaloosa, Alabama’s WTUG-FM morning show earlier this week. Mr. Foote ended his statement with a challenge to WFJF’s President, self-proclaimed Lord of the Joust, Julian Gluck. According to his statement, Mr. Foote was prepared to joust Mr. Gluck anywhere and at any time.
Since that challenge, Mr. Foote has been preparing, training and sharpening his finger jousting skills. “Most people don’t know this,” said a proud Mr. Foote, “but I was at one time the top ranked finger jouster in the now defunct National Association of Men Battling Little Appendages (NAMBLA), the precursor to the World Finger Jousting Federation. That was, of course, until NAMBLA league President Isiah Thomas ran the league into the ground. But take a look at this picture (left) of me accepting the certification as the nation’s top finger jouster. Needless to say, I’m a little rusty – I’m going to need bang these fingers into shape!”
And that he has done, working out with a trainer for up to 12 hours each day. “I’m going to take that little douche [Gluck] down. He won’t even know what hit him.”
However, if recent developments are any indication, Mr. Foote’s hard work may have all been in vain; not only has Mr. Gluck not responded to Egan’s challenge, but Egan received a letter from the WFJF President informing him that his “account has been deleted from the WFJF Forum.” In response, Egan did what he does best: pleaded his case on a local radio show. Appearing on Flint, Michigan’s WTRX-AM morning show, Mr. Foote reiterated his finger jousting challenge to Mr Gluck via the following statement:
Hello, um, Egan Foote here (arms flapping). Now perennial virgin and world class loser Julian Gluck has decided to ban good ol’ Egan from his web site’s forum. I do not know whether the Lord of the Douche was afraid of Egan putting his ol’ Foote in his mouth or whether he was simply afraid of ol’ Egan himself. What I do know is that I have been training day in and day out to get myself back into finger jousting shape, only to be ignored.
So here I am, back to re-issue my challenge. Mr. Gluck, accept my challenge. You choose the time, you choose the place. The only thing I choose is you… to be the first notch on my comeback belt. Unless you are chicken? [Egan proceeds to make chicken sounds, until the DJ finally cuts to a commercial break].
We will continue to update this story as more information becomes available…
According to sources close to the insurance processor, Egan Foote has made an effort to lay low recently, hoping to put his high-profile trials and tribulations behind him. But Mr. Foote took a break from his self-imposed isolation recently, appearing on Tuscaloosa, Alabama’s WTUG-FM morning show to speak on the subject of the World Finger Jousting Federation. Mr. Foote was responding to a series of posts that appeared on the Riding with Rickey website about the “sport” of finger jousting. After a humorous review of the pseudo-sport, Rickey followed up by posting a response he received from the WFJF President, high school attendance award winner and girl repellant Julian Gluck. Unimpressed by Mr. Gluck’s failed attempt at comedic irony, Egan Foote felt compelled to respond. A transcript of his statement appears below:
Hello, um, uh, Egan Foote here. Now let me start out by saying that I was not previously familiar with the sport of finger jousting (as far as Egan is concerned, it is not a sport unless it involves the use of a Foote). In fact, I was initially drawn to the commentary by Rickey Henderson because I thought it referenced finger-banging, a past-time of mine I was unaware had its own organization. But after reading about this competition on one of my favorite internet past times – the Riding with Rickey world wide web site – I felt compelled to speak out. (Wipes sweat from forehead).
In response to Rickey’s humorous review of the prom-night alternative, finger jousting, self-proclaimed Lord of the Joust Julian Gluck (I think we can all agree that he’s definitely some kind of “lord”) replied with an underwhelming letter in defense of his glorified abstinence pledge. Mr. Gluck lists a number of his highschool achievements, as though Egan would forgive some douchebag’s persistent promotion of a sport where two men lock fingers simply because this poindexter touts the appearance of AP Calculus on his class schedule.
When good old Egan activated his laptop and fired up the old internet connection, he connected to the official World Finger Jousting Federation website and was treated to video’s of Mr. Gluck’s inhaler-toting cohorts locking fingers and attempting to poke one another. However, all that Egan witnessed was what the WFJF lacked: namely, entertainment value, spectators, acne-free skin and attractive women.
With that said, I do believe that I should throw an old Egan thank you to Mr. Gluck and his merry band of virgins for bringing one important thing to Egan’s attention: as one of the links in the WFJF’s pround “media” section, the zilches at the WFJF (apparently unaware of the concept of subtle mockery) link to coverage of their pseudo-sport by what appears to be a web program entitled The Nine. Sound familiar? Well, that’s because of my recently canceled ABC drama, The Nine. I have already contacted my attorneys and have informed them that they should do everything in their power to crush this impostor.
In conclusion, Mr. Gluck – you, sir, are a douche. I, Egan Foote, hereby challenge you, Julian Gluck to a finger joust. Anywhere. Any time. Assuming it doesn’t conflict with your Dungeons and Dragons Club meetings.
Before signing off the radio program, Egan Foote assured the listeners that this would not be the last we heard from him on the subject of the World Finger Jousting Federation. We will continue to update this story as it develops…
A debate has been raging around the Hot Foote headquarters as to whether this picture, submitted by a faithful Hot Foote reader, is of insurance processor Egan Foote. The picture was snapped on the New Jersey PATH train yesterday morning.
According to one Hot Foote editor, “This is clearly not Egan Foote. If you look closely, this man is clearly reading the Arts & Leisure section of the newspaper. However, as anyone familiar with Egan knows, Mr. Foote exclusively reads the funnies.”
“I’d recognize that tie anywhere,” said a Hot Foote intern. “That is Egan Foote. I’d bet this pay period’s salary on it.” When informed that he was not receiving any salary but instead course credit, our intern yelled “Shit!” and ran down to the Apple Store to return his newly purchased iPhone.
Adding to the mystery, Egan Foote appeared on KWQW-FM’s morning show in Des Moines, Iowa yesterday morning. Given the time stamp accompanying the picture, getting back to the East Coast in time to board a PATH train would have been very difficult.
Thoughts on whether this is Egan Foote? Other Egan sightings? Please let us know in the comments section.