Egan Foote Releases Statement on World Finger Jousting Federation
According to sources close to the insurance processor, Egan Foote has made an effort to lay low recently, hoping to put his high-profile trials and tribulations behind him. But Mr. Foote took a break from his self-imposed isolation recently, appearing on Tuscaloosa, Alabama’s WTUG-FM morning show to speak on the subject of the World Finger Jousting Federation. Mr. Foote was responding to a series of posts that appeared on the Riding with Rickey website about the “sport” of finger jousting. After a humorous review of the pseudo-sport, Rickey followed up by posting a response he received from the WFJF President, high school attendance award winner and girl repellant Julian Gluck. Unimpressed by Mr. Gluck’s failed attempt at comedic irony, Egan Foote felt compelled to respond. A transcript of his statement appears below:
Hello, um, uh, Egan Foote here. Now let me start out by saying that I was not previously familiar with the sport of finger jousting (as far as Egan is concerned, it is not a sport unless it involves the use of a Foote). In fact, I was initially drawn to the commentary by Rickey Henderson because I thought it referenced finger-banging, a past-time of mine I was unaware had its own organization. But after reading about this competition on one of my favorite internet past times – the Riding with Rickey world wide web site – I felt compelled to speak out. (Wipes sweat from forehead).
In response to Rickey’s humorous review of the prom-night alternative, finger jousting, self-proclaimed Lord of the Joust Julian Gluck (I think we can all agree that he’s definitely some kind of “lord”) replied with an underwhelming letter in defense of his glorified abstinence pledge. Mr. Gluck lists a number of his highschool achievements, as though Egan would forgive some douchebag’s persistent promotion of a sport where two men lock fingers simply because this poindexter touts the appearance of AP Calculus on his class schedule.
When good old Egan activated his laptop and fired up the old internet connection, he connected to the official World Finger Jousting Federation website and was treated to video’s of Mr. Gluck’s inhaler-toting cohorts locking fingers and attempting to poke one another. However, all that Egan witnessed was what the WFJF lacked: namely, entertainment value, spectators, acne-free skin and attractive women.
With that said, I do believe that I should throw an old Egan thank you to Mr. Gluck and his merry band of virgins for bringing one important thing to Egan’s attention: as one of the links in the WFJF’s pround “media” section, the zilches at the WFJF (apparently unaware of the concept of subtle mockery) link to coverage of their pseudo-sport by what appears to be a web program entitled The Nine. Sound familiar? Well, that’s because of my recently canceled ABC drama, The Nine. I have already contacted my attorneys and have informed them that they should do everything in their power to crush this impostor.
In conclusion, Mr. Gluck – you, sir, are a douche. I, Egan Foote, hereby challenge you, Julian Gluck to a finger joust. Anywhere. Any time. Assuming it doesn’t conflict with your Dungeons and Dragons Club meetings.
Before signing off the radio program, Egan Foote assured the listeners that this would not be the last we heard from him on the subject of the World Finger Jousting Federation. We will continue to update this story as it develops…