Hello… uh… Egan here (arms flapping). My friends here at Hot Foote recently asked if I would offer some thoughts on the current Presidential campaign. While I… uh… did once consider a run for President myself, the truth is that good ol’ Egan is not much of a political buff. In fact, my newspaper reading is generally limited to the funnies. That Marmaduke is hilarious! Who knew a Great Dane could display so many human characteristics!
But I digress. There’s plenty of time to talk about hilarious house pets. For now I am tasked with offering my perspective on the current campaign for the… uh… White House (wipes sweat from forehead). There are serious issues facing this country, issues that even Marmaduke couldn’t solve! Who will be the strongest in our war against therapists? Who is going to ensure that Americans have universal health pears? Who will best know how to handle the bludgeon deficit? Who will reduce our dependence on foreign moyls? Who will best handle the wars in Iran and Uzbekistan? Who will nominate the best judges to the Marine Court?
So, without further adieu, here are my thoughts on the current candidates:
Forgive my question, I’m a political novice, but isn’t John McClane EXACTLY the type of President we want right now? I don’t care if he’s in his 60’s, or even his 80’s! The way that he disposed of Hans Gruber and protected the Nakatomi Plaza should speak volumes about his commitment to service AND the country (and to Holly). Yippee Kay-Yaa, Mr. Obamo!
Also, I heard somewhere that the Splurge is working… I think that’s a good thing. McClane seems to think he’s responsible for that, so I guess I’ll believe. I mean, if you’re running for President you are probably honorable enough at least not to lie, right?
That said, my buddy Chi McBride just told me that Mr. McClane lived in Vietnam for 5 years or so, something that makes me question his allegiance to our great nation. If you love Vietnam so much, McClane, why don’t you run for president THERE?!!? U-S-A! U-S-A!
Your move, McClane…
To be quite honest, I am a bit… uh… confused. I’m told that Clinton already served as President for two turns during the 1990’s. Turning to my trusty pocket Constitution, I am pretty sure that that disqualifies her to be President again. How could no one have noticed this?!?! Someone call the Federal Election Commission! This is outrageous!
Notwithstanding the constitutional issues, I do believe this Clinton fellow would make a fine President. Despite being ready to lead on Day one (I hope so, you’ve already been President twice!), he is vetted and tested and has lot of experience, apparently. Works for me.
But Clinton needs to stay focused on politics and spend a little less time worrying about sandwiches. I’ve had sandwiches from all over this country and I can tell you that sandwiches are good whether they are made by Super-deliguys or just plain old deli guys. Now, now, listen up (arms flapping). This business just gets more Sillary by the minute (car honking sound)! We simply cannot have these Super-deliguys deciding whether we’re going to be eating chicken (clinten), swiss cheese (edwords), or liverwurst (obamo), not to mention making the choice for me, the orderer, as to whether i’d prefer white or dark meat (phone ringing sound). This election was already decided in a smoked-filled room. If Room is a synonym for labia! Egan, out. Obamo, IN.
Mr. Obamo certainly seems like a nice fellow. And if he’s looking for change, I have a bowl in my foyer filled with it. Hey-oh! Just kidding, I’m going to take that to Coinstar some day.
I did once play him in a game of checkers in Chicago’s South Side during the late 1980’s. Let’s just say that if his checkers playing is any indication of how he will go after the therapists that attacked us at 7/11, then we’re in great shape.
However, his name is pretty funny. So you can see how torn I am on this one.
So who does Egan endorse? Gobama!
Since its debut in November 2006, the ABC prime time drama ‘The Nine’ has taken its fans on a roller coaster ride of excitement and disappointment. After the drama’s initial premature cancellation, Hot Foote exclusively reported on Egan Foote revealing the conclusion of the program’s story arc on a Wilkes-Barre morning radio program. Fans were also teased with the possibility of an Egan Foote cartoon spun off from ‘The Nine.’ And while there were many indications that the cartoon would in fact go forward, fans were ultimately left empty-handed. However, that disappointment did not last long as a multi-pronged campaign to bring back ‘The Nine’ succeeded when ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson announced that the show would be returning. But the return was short-lived and ABC quickly canceled the program once again, placing ‘The Nine’ in the exclusive club of prime time programs that have been canceled on multiple occasions. Since the series’ cancellation there have been numerous teases about its return, but nothing has yet come to fruition. ABC eventually put the remaining episodes of the show on its website, crushing the fleeting hopes of the show’s loyal fans.
In the end, fans of ‘The Nine’ became resolved to the fact that the show would never return and that their unanswered questions would remain just that: unanswered. Until now. Many of the show’s faithful are pointing to a recent article on E! News Online that provides subtle hints to the possibility of the show’s return:
“It’s coming back!” said one anonymous e-mail to Hot Foote headquarters this morning. “I didn’t read the article, but the headline says it all!”
Another Hot Foote reader, known only by the alias “bahster,” had similar hopes that the show would soon be back. “When does production start?”
However, such optimism lies not only with the article’s title. Many readers who have chimed in have theorized that the first line of the second paragraph also signals the return of the show, with one arguing that the line was supposed to read “The Alphabet announced Monday that nine fanS WOULD BE EXCITED AT THE NEWS OF THE SHOW’S RETURN!”
But ABC executives were quick to destroy all such hope. According to ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson, the network would only bring back the show “if we were able to reunite the original cast,” something that is quite unlikely. “Camille Guaty will NOT work with Mr. Foote,” said ‘The Nine’ star Chi McBride. “Something about him creeping her out and always saying ‘hubba hubba’ or something. Look, I love the show as much as the next guy, but I just can’t see it happening. Chi, out! Damn, now he’s got me saying it.”
Others were more optimistic, including our favorite insurance processor, Egan Foote. Foote spoke with the KSZR-FM morning show in Tucson, Arizona to air some of his thoughts:
Foote: … and that’s why I think Gordon Bombay was a better hockey coach than the guy the Mighty Ducks got in the third movie.
DJ Crazy Chris: Interesting stuff Egan. Looks like we’re going to have to agree to disagree.
DJ Wacky Wayne: Moving on, we’re getting e-mails left and right that ‘The Nine’ is coming back to ABC. Any credence to these rumors?
Foote: I’ve heard some rumblings, but nothing concrete. We’ll… uh… just have to wait and see (wipes sweat from forehead).
DJ Crazy Chris: And where do you stand? Would you do it if they asked you back?
Foote: Of course, DJ Cranky Ken! The opportunity to see my old friends would be amazing! Chi, Scotty Wolf, Kim Raver, that other guy, and Franny Rios (hubba hubba)! Plus, I left a Newsweek magazine in the desk in my dressing room, but ABC security won’t let me back into the old studio!
DJ Wacky Wayne: Thanks Egan. Your visit was insightful as always…
Foote: Thank you, DJ Jackie Jane – you’ve got yourself an excellent radio program here. Egan, out!
DJ Wacky Wayne: It’s Wacky Wayne… we’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors.
Unless alcohol consumption, lawsuits and foot-related puns evidence special powers, Egan Foote is no super hero. But that doesn’t mean that the listeners of New York’s “Polski Radio” don’t consider him one anyway:
New York’s “Polskie Radio” won’t be forced to go English. Despite a license renewal objection, “Polskie Radio New York” WRKL (910) doesn’t have to worry about adding English-language programming. Listener Robert Schore tried to kick the suburban station off the air, filing an objection with the FCC arguing “few listeners” in the area speak Polish. Schore argued WRKL should become an English station “devoted to the concerns of citizens in its primary coverage area.” Schore also alleges WRKL’s programming doesn’t discuss current issues or air emergency weather conditions. But his arguments weren’t enough for the FCC to deny the Polish station its license renewal. The Commission ruled WRKL “has served the public interest, convenience, and necessity” and didn’t violate any rules. The FCC also notes foreign-language stations must comply with the Emergency Alert System — but can do so in the primary language of their broadcast.
According to sources, Mr. Foote picketed the Federal Communications Commission day and night for several weeks, imploring the commissioners to leave Polskie Radio as is. Foote (pictured outside the office of FCC Chairman Kevin Martin during his campaign) became famous for his creative use of the bullhorn, often chanting “Hell no, 9-1-0” and “What do we want?” “Polski Radio!!” “When do we want it?” “At least as quickly as it took famous Pole scientist Janusz Grozkowski to discover a new method of high-vacuum measurements!”
Perhaps most amazing is that Foote’s plan worked. According to a source inside the FCC who wishes to remain anonymous discussing a sensitive matter tells Hot Foote that the FCC’s decision was “all Foote. Honestly, they didn’t really know which way to decide; they were actually thinking of flipping a coin. Until Egan came along. Chairman Martin was the first to speak up, proposing that perhaps if they just let Polskie Radio be then Mr. Foote would abandon his protest. The other members agreed and here we are.”
And where did Foote celebrate his recent achievement? On the Polskie Radio WRKL 910 morning zoo morning show, of course (translated below):
Jozef: Mr. Foote, we first want to thank you for your effort for Polskie Radio! (rings Eurasian Lynx bell).
Foote: You are quite welcome, Jozef. But thanks is not necessary. Did the nation of Poland ask thanks when they invented the screen door for submarines or the solar powered flashlight? I think not. Did Polish mathemetician Stanislaw Lojasiewicz ask thanks when he solved the problem of distribution division by analytical functions? No. And did Polish physicist Jan Kazimierz ask for thanks when he created the first spectrometer beta? Well, bad example, because he did and they threw him a big parade and stuff…
Jozef: Why Polskie radio?
Foote: Best programming on radio right now. Hands down. Hey, looks like your lights just went out…
Jozef: Oh man, another one! Wiktor, come help me screw in this light bulb. We’ll be back after a word from our sponsor, Nisskosher Polish Vodka…
Foote: Egan, out!