Exclusive: Egan Foote Issues Statement on 2008 Presidential Campaign
Hello… uh… Egan here (arms flapping). My friends here at Hot Foote recently asked if I would offer some thoughts on the current Presidential campaign. While I… uh… did once consider a run for President myself, the truth is that good ol’ Egan is not much of a political buff. In fact, my newspaper reading is generally limited to the funnies. That Marmaduke is hilarious! Who knew a Great Dane could display so many human characteristics!
But I digress. There’s plenty of time to talk about hilarious house pets. For now I am tasked with offering my perspective on the current campaign for the… uh… White House (wipes sweat from forehead). There are serious issues facing this country, issues that even Marmaduke couldn’t solve! Who will be the strongest in our war against therapists? Who is going to ensure that Americans have universal health pears? Who will best know how to handle the bludgeon deficit? Who will reduce our dependence on foreign moyls? Who will best handle the wars in Iran and Uzbekistan? Who will nominate the best judges to the Marine Court?
So, without further adieu, here are my thoughts on the current candidates:
Forgive my question, I’m a political novice, but isn’t John McClane EXACTLY the type of President we want right now? I don’t care if he’s in his 60’s, or even his 80’s! The way that he disposed of Hans Gruber and protected the Nakatomi Plaza should speak volumes about his commitment to service AND the country (and to Holly). Yippee Kay-Yaa, Mr. Obamo!
Also, I heard somewhere that the Splurge is working… I think that’s a good thing. McClane seems to think he’s responsible for that, so I guess I’ll believe. I mean, if you’re running for President you are probably honorable enough at least not to lie, right?
That said, my buddy Chi McBride just told me that Mr. McClane lived in Vietnam for 5 years or so, something that makes me question his allegiance to our great nation. If you love Vietnam so much, McClane, why don’t you run for president THERE?!!? U-S-A! U-S-A!
Your move, McClane…
To be quite honest, I am a bit… uh… confused. I’m told that Clinton already served as President for two turns during the 1990’s. Turning to my trusty pocket Constitution, I am pretty sure that that disqualifies her to be President again. How could no one have noticed this?!?! Someone call the Federal Election Commission! This is outrageous!
Notwithstanding the constitutional issues, I do believe this Clinton fellow would make a fine President. Despite being ready to lead on Day one (I hope so, you’ve already been President twice!), he is vetted and tested and has lot of experience, apparently. Works for me.
But Clinton needs to stay focused on politics and spend a little less time worrying about sandwiches. I’ve had sandwiches from all over this country and I can tell you that sandwiches are good whether they are made by Super-deliguys or just plain old deli guys. Now, now, listen up (arms flapping). This business just gets more Sillary by the minute (car honking sound)! We simply cannot have these Super-deliguys deciding whether we’re going to be eating chicken (clinten), swiss cheese (edwords), or liverwurst (obamo), not to mention making the choice for me, the orderer, as to whether i’d prefer white or dark meat (phone ringing sound). This election was already decided in a smoked-filled room. If Room is a synonym for labia! Egan, out. Obamo, IN.
Mr. Obamo certainly seems like a nice fellow. And if he’s looking for change, I have a bowl in my foyer filled with it. Hey-oh! Just kidding, I’m going to take that to Coinstar some day.
I did once play him in a game of checkers in Chicago’s South Side during the late 1980’s. Let’s just say that if his checkers playing is any indication of how he will go after the therapists that attacked us at 7/11, then we’re in great shape.
However, his name is pretty funny. So you can see how torn I am on this one.
So who does Egan endorse? Gobama!