In a bombshell first disclosed by the New York Times, it is being reported that Egan Foote will be abandoning his position within the Archdiocese to focus full-time on insurance processing and “other projects.”
“It’s just time to move on,” said a misty-eyed Foote outside of Yankee stadium, where pope Benedict XVI lead mass on Saturday. “It’s a difficult deci-… ooooh, is that Melky Cabrera? I love him!” Mr. Foote then proceeded to run after the Yankees centerfielder, who was noticeably afraid of the white hooded man running towards him. “No mas! No mas!” said an out of breath Cabrera. “I jusss won play basebowl.”
Foote then jumped on a popemobile conveniently passing by, announcing “Egan, out!”
Here he goes again. Egan Foote, the enigmatic insurance processor, hostage victim, and serial litigator, has been keeping his lawyers busy as of late, commencing a number of lawsuits, documented in our ongoing series “Legal Foote-Notes.” And now we get word that we should add two more to the list.
Mr. Foote has filed a lawsuit against the producers of the 2007 movie The Nines, starring Ryan Reynolds. According to Foote, “this is an outrage! They simply took our show, The Nine, and added the letter ‘S’ to the end. That’s like a cheap Scrabble move and it cannot stand! (arms flapping). I expect more out of these Hollywood studios than to simply appropriate for their own benefit the blood, sweat and tears of so many people, including Franny Rios (hubba hubba). Listen, I like The Nines star Ryan Reynolds as much as the next guy; in fact, I think his portrayal of Dan Wilder deserved an Oscar nomination. But that does not give them the right to steal!”
But Mr. Foote’s outrage did not end there, as he took his fight to Muncie, Indiana’s WMDH-FM morning show. An excerpt from that appearance appears below:
Foote: … and that is how Hillary Clinton will persuade these superdeliguys to make her the nominee for precedent.
DJ Cool Carl: Interesting stuff, Foote, but I believe she’s running for President. But fascinating stuff, nonetheless… I’m guessing you’ll be receiving a call from the Clinton campaign before you know it to discuss your strategy, because right now her chances are about as long as the cigar Bill put in Monica Lewinsky! Hey-oh! (cowbell sound rings twice)
Foote: Pardon me, Cool Carol? I’m not sure I’m aware of that story…
DJ Kooky Keith: It’s Cool Carl. Anyway, it’s a topic for another time, my friend. Now I hear you are suing some Hollywood studios?
Foote: That’s right Cocky Ken, I am. These studios need to learn that they can’t just take for themselves the good will created by one of the most popular shows on TV. This will not stand!
DJ Cool Carl: First off, his name is Kooky Keith, not Cocky Ken. Second, if The Nine was so popular, why was it canceled?
Foote: I’m not at liberty to disclose that (wipes sweat from forehead).
DJ Cool Carl: Well, that’s about all the time we have. Our thanks to Egan Foote for joining us. Egan, we hope you come back soon.
Foote: Anytime, Cold Call…
DJ Cool Carl: That’s Cool Carl… we’ll be right back after a word from our… hey, Foote, stop playing with that, that’s very delicate equipment and you can’t… (dead air)
In related news, Foote has also filed a lawsuit against 8, a collection of shorts starring eight famous film directors. “Um, I just came to do some research for my lawsuit,” said a defensive Foote when approached leaving a showing of 8 at Cross County Multiplex Cinemas in Yonkers, NY. “Of course I’d never pay these thieves to see their movie for pleasure. This was all business. Egan, out!” Mr. Foote then disappeared, later being spotted at Raceway diner, where he had to skip out on the bill in order to avoid our faithful Citizen Paparazzi.
Notwithstanding, due to the nature of this suit, Egan’s attorney’s (his so-called “Foote Soldiers”) are awaiting to see what happens in Foote’s previously filed lawsuit against the movie The Ten. “One number off?!?!?” said Foote, repeating his earlier objections to The Ten. He continued, “Legal Team, ho!!!” at which time his Foote Soldiers lined up and followed Mr. Foote into a Dodge Caravan.