Hot Foote has exclusively received an advance copy of remarks Egan Foote is prepared to deliver at a press conference in front of the office supply company Staples’ Framingham, Massachusetts headquarters.
Mr. Foote’s remarks appear below:
Ummm, hello… uh… it is I, Egan Foote (wipes sweat from forehead). I am here today to discuss a matter that has been on everyone’s minds the last few months. That’s right: the ergonomic crisis. For too…uh… long, we have had to suffer the consequences of poor lumbar support. This is outrageous! (arms flapping). For too… uh… long, we have sat in seats poorly equipped to accommodate the curvature of the human spine. Well no longer! I am an insurance processor and I spend all day sitting in a chair. And let me tell you: I would sooner sit on the floor of a… uh… bank than sit in that chair one moment longer (and I have)!
That is why we are here today, in front of office supply retailer… ummm (looks at sign displayed behind him)… uh… Staples! We are here to tell them that we are mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore (wipes sweat from forehead). I know we are in the midst of an ergonomic crisis, but we cannot afford to bail out these chair manufacturers! Who is with me?!?
Repeat after me: one, two, three, four – we want adequate back support… five, six, seven, eight – I wish I was invertebrate!!
Hot Foote had previously exclusively reported on the discovery of a number of never before seen motivational posters starring insurance processor and bank robbery hostage victim Egan Foote.
Now, Hot Foote has uncovered some additional motivational posters, unearthed from the vault where they were being stored.
These posters appear below…
Exclusive: In Final Act as President, George W. Bush Pardons Egan Foote in Small Early Morning White House Ceremony
Sources close to Hot Foote have exclusively learned that outgoing President George W. Bush, in his final Presidential act, pardoned Egan Foote during a small White House Ceremony early Tuesday morning. During the private ceremony, Bush read some prepared remarks and presented Foote with a “pardon medal” (pictured right), something Mr. Bush had constructed the night before while waiting for the White House chef to make him a bowl of Lucky Charms, but which has no legal or historical significance.
While calls to the United States Department of Justice Office of the Pardon Attorney were not returned, it is rumored that Bush gave Foote a blanket pardon, covering acts both known and unknown. Below is a list of Egan Foote’s offenses which are likely to fall under the President’s pardon:
- Suspected of murder in the death of the Mt. Hood climbers
- Ejaculating into a container of ranch dressing in a high school lunchroom
- Ordering the deportation of Jews from ghettos to death camps
- His role in the Knicks-Nuggets brawl
- Assaulting his neighbor with lawn darts
- Suspected of murder in the death of beloved race horse Barbaro
- Attempted murder
- Accomplice in defrauding reality television competition American Idol
- Assassinating President Abraham Lincoln
- Stealing Edward Munch’s “The Scream”
- Drunken disorderly conduct after a karaoke performance of Lou Bega’s “Mambo #5”
- Making lewd and threatening phone calls
- Threatening ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson at gunpoint
- Attacking TV Squad blogger Bob Sassone
- Kidnapping ‘Wings’ star Tim Daly
- His links to private military contractor Blackwater
- Trespassing charges arising out of crashing a wedding
- Steroid use
- Assaulting former Secretary of Agriculture and current United States Senator Michael Johanns
- Taking a theater full of people hostage in a lengthy standoff with the police
Hot Foote has obtained a copy of Egan Foote’s speech, scheduled to be given at the Inauguration of President Elect Barack Obama. Obama invited Foote to give remarks at the historic event as a gesture of appreciation for Foote’s counsel throughout the campaign, his early endorsement of Obama, and his decision not to run for President, which many pundits believed would have drawn enough votes from Obama to hand the election to Senator John McCain. But most importantly, Obama, according to one aide, simply appreciates Foote rhetorical gifts and thought his remarks would be a fitting kick-off to the inauguration festivities.
The speech, which appears below, was obtained through an anonymous Obama administration source (and regular Hot Foote reader).
“Uh… hello there (wipes sweat from forehead)… It is I, Egan Foote. Now I know when you saw my face you may have been hoping for my brother Daniel, so I hope I don’t… uh… disappoint. We are here to celebrate the inauguration of my friend, and secret crush, Rock Obamo. Rock has inspired an entire generation of Americans with a beautifully run… uh… campaign, and three simple words: Yes We Can.
When the world told him he couldn’t, what did he… uh… say? Yes we can. When ABC executives told us that there was no way we could make them bring back canceled show The Nine, what did we say? Yes we can. And when the police showed up to my house with a warrant and started rummaging through my belongings, what did they say when I said “you can’t do this!”? Yes we can.
So today I congratulate Rock Obamo and welcome him as our 44th President. Now bring on Rick Warren. That guy is awesome!
It must be noted, however, that Egan Foote’s reputation for spontaneity means that we could be hearing an entirely different speech come Tuesday, January 20th, 2009.
Earlier, Hot Foote exclusively reported that insurance processor Egan Foote was a passenger on US Airways Flight 1549, which was successfully “ditched” in the Hudson River by its pilot, Captain Chesley Sullenberger. The flight experienced trouble shortly after its takeoff from New York’s Laguardia airport and made an emergency landing in the Hudson River. While many New Yorkers who were present on September 11, 2001 had immediate thoughts that the plane was the target of a terrorist attack, the National Transportation Safety Board quickly confirmed that the plane was forced to make an emergency landing due to a freak accident, when a flock of Canada Geese flew into the plane.
However, one passenger is not convinced that the plane was simply the victim of an improbable accident. Egan Foote, who was seated in row 16 of the US Airway flight, believes that the plane was the target of an attack by the Canadian government. Specifically, Mr. Foote is claiming that the Canadian government, in an act of retribution against him, sent the geese on a kamikazi-style mission to finish the insurance processor once and for all.
“This all stems back to a feud I had with Bryan Adams back in 1991,” said Foote while promoting his new, and impossibly quickly written, book A Thousand Feete in the Air: The Unbelievable True Story of US Airways Flight 1549, pictured to the right during a book signing at a Barnes and Noble in Reno, Nevada.
According to Foote, the feud with Adams started when Foote claimed that Adams had stolen from him Adams’ hit song “Heaven.” After things got personal and Foote insulted Adams’ Canadian heritage, the Canadian government got involved and the two sides have hated each other ever since. However, Mr. Foote believed that the feud ended in 2002 when he and Adams teamed up to sue DJ Sammy over the remake of Heaven. The lawsuit was eventually dismissed when Foote decided that he actually loved DJ Sammy’s version.
“The cease fire is over,” said Foote. “For over five years I have been cordial and respectful to Mr. Adams and the Canadian government. But this attack against me has crossed the… uh… line (arms flapping)! It is time that I put my Foote down!”
Update: After the book signing, Mr. Foote held a large anti-Canadian rally. The following picture was submitted by long time Hot Foote reader “GC’s.”
Update II: After forwarding this matter on to the Obama administration and being told that they would “look into it,” Foote has apparently decided to take matters into his own hands. Foote, through appearances on local radio stations around the country, has been recruiting a small mercenary army to take on the Canadians. Appearing on New London, Connecticut’s WMOS-FM morning show, Foote made the following appeal to potential soldiers:
DJ: So I understand that you are trying to put together your own army. Have you thought of contacting the Kiss Army?!? Hey-oh! (Rings cowbell)… Which reminds me folks, we’ll have a Kiss ‘three-play’ of songs coming up at the top of the hour… ring-a-ling!
Foote: In fact I have. However, Kiss was apparently on tour with Bryan Adams during the early 1980’s and has decided to remain neutral in this conflict.
DJ: So is that the “kiss of death” to your efforts? (toilet flushing sound plays twice)
Foote: Absolutely… uh… not (wipes sweat from forehead). And that is why I am hear. Any American listening right now, I have a… uh… message for you. It is time we finally took on our neighbors to the north. The Canada goose attack perpetrated on me and my fellow travelers was just the beginning! They must be stopped NOW!
DJ: We’ll be right back after these commercial messages.
Update III: Apparently, Foote’s appeal to potential soldiers paid off. A Hot Foote reader submitted the following photo of Foote and his rapidly growing army at Foote’s training facility in Springfield, Illinois.
Major Breaking News Alert
We at Hot Foote are saying our prayers tonight – multiple reports out of New York City indicate that our own Egan Foote was one of the passengers on US Airways flight 1549, which was masterfully ditched in the Hudson River on Thursday January 15th. Mr. Foote, who was en route to Charlotte to defend his crown in the International Square Dancing competition, was seated in row 16, just above the wing. Loyal reader “maestro mism” who works in the New York Times building (as a janitor) was able to snap what we believe to be the only picture of Mr. Foote waiting for rescue.
Reached for comment, Mr. Foote praised the pilot:
I uhhh… its me… the Foote. I am so lucky to be alive today, and I just can’t thank our pilot Wesley Autrey enough. He is a real hero! Kind of like that Peter Petrelli guy, only better. Egan, out!
Update: After being treated for hypothermia, Mr. Foote quickly jumped on a new flight down to Charlotte, where he made it just in time to defend his square dancing crown, as shown below.
Insurance processor and bank robbery victim Egan Foote appeared on last night’s episode of American Idol, auditioning for a coveted spot on the show before Idol judges Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson.
“It was a dream come true,” said a tearful Foote to Idol host Ryan Seacrest while wiping sweat from his forehead. “I really want to inspire people with my… uh… music.”
Foote’s audition began well, with judge Simon Cowell expressing his disappointment in the cancellation of The Nine, followed by the two sharing a simultaneous “Hubba Hubba!” when the name Franny Rios was mentioned. Foote then broke into Rihanna’s “Umbrella,” the song that his brother Eggbert sang in his successful audition (Eggbert was ultimately kicked off the show after making inappropriate comments to fellow contestant Jordin Sparks).
Once Foote was done, he stood silently and waited to hear his fate. However, before the judges were able to give their thoughts on Foote’s performance, a woman busted into the audition room (video below), forcing producers to shut down auditions for the day. Foote was invited to return the following day, when he’s expected to perform Lou Bega’s “Mambo #5.”
Sources close to Hot Foote are reporting that President-elect Barack Obama’s pastor, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, has been linked to insurance processor and hostage survivor Egan Foote. As you may remember, Wright became embroiled in controversy after videos emerged during the 2008 Presidential campaign of many of his “fiery” sermons.
Mr. Foote regularly attended Mr. Wright’s sermons between 1997 and 2004 and was “very close” to Reverend Wright, according to a source who wishes to remain anonymous due to the sensitivity of the subject matter.
The picture below was taken in 2002 and shows Foote and Wright after one of the sermons in question.
Update: When asked about the allegations outside a Denny’s restaurant in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, Foote proclaimed “Naw, naw… uh… naw! These allegations are bogus. That could be anyone in that picture… maybe my brother Eggbert or Daniel!”
Realizing his “horrible miscalculation” and mumbling something about Google Maps, he turns around and goes back.
Update: Sources in Hot Foote’s Gaza City office are reporting that Mr. Foote became lost after accidentally using a map appearing on a kids place mat he inadvertently picked up at a Bangor, Maine Applebees, which appears below. According to Applebees employees present at the time, the place mat was used as a bib by Mr. Foote, who apparently forgot to remove it before leaving the restaurant.
The Associated Press is reporting that Egan Foote has been named as Barack Obama’s replacement to the United States Senate. Embattled Illinois Govornor Rod Blagojevich appeared with Mr. Foote at an impromtu press conference to make the surprise announcement following a 3-hour lunch with Mr. Foote at a neighborhood Denny’s. After making the announcement, Gov. Blagojevich ducked behind a curtain and avoided answering any questions from the media, but Mr. Foote stuck around to issue the following statement:
Ahh… Hello… members of the media, citizens of Illinois, and fellow patrons of this fine Peoria dining establishment. I am ahhhhh… Egan… FOOTE (HONK HONK!!!!! LIGHTS FLASHING ALL OVER THE RESTAURANT) and I am proud to be your next United States Spendator. Get it? That’s a joke because the Government is good for nothing but spendidng your money! (car alarm sound). Ahh. I am just kidding of course, good ole Eegs had to get the nerves out with a little humor! I am excited to serve the people, certainly more excited than Mohammed, who didn’t serve me my Western Burger sans the pickles like I had asked him to. Nevertheless, I cannot wait to start. And I have a message for you fellow Demo Hats. If any of you Ruffians (especially you, Hairy Bead) try to bar me, you will pay for this. I will knock your [EXPLETIVE] teeth out. Ya heard? SENATOR EGAN, OUT.