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Exclusive: Egan Foote Declares War on Canada After Canada Geese Attack US Airways Flight 1549

Earlier, Hot Foote exclusively reported that insurance processor Egan Foote was a passenger on US Airways Flight 1549, which was successfully “ditched” in the Hudson River by its pilot, Captain Chesley Sullenberger. The flight experienced trouble shortly after its takeoff from New York’s Laguardia airport and made an emergency landing in the Hudson River. While many New Yorkers who were present on September 11, 2001 had immediate thoughts that the plane was the target of a terrorist attack, the National Transportation Safety Board quickly confirmed that the plane was forced to make an emergency landing due to a freak accident, when a flock of Canada Geese flew into the plane.

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Foote signing copies of his new book.

However, one passenger is not convinced that the plane was simply the victim of an improbable accident. Egan Foote, who was seated in row 16 of the US Airway flight, believes that the plane was the target of an attack by the Canadian government. Specifically, Mr. Foote is claiming that the Canadian government, in an act of retribution against him, sent the geese on a kamikazi-style mission to finish the insurance processor once and for all.

“This all stems back to a feud I had with Bryan Adams back in 1991,” said Foote while promoting his new, and impossibly quickly written, book A Thousand Feete in the Air: The Unbelievable True Story of US Airways Flight 1549, pictured to the right during a book signing at a Barnes and Noble in Reno, Nevada.

According to Foote, the feud with Adams started when Foote claimed that Adams had stolen from him Adams’ hit song “Heaven.” After things got personal and Foote insulted Adams’ Canadian heritage, the Canadian government got involved and the two sides have hated each other ever since. However, Mr. Foote believed that the feud ended in 2002 when he and Adams teamed up to sue DJ Sammy over the remake of Heaven. The lawsuit was eventually dismissed when Foote decided that he actually loved DJ Sammy’s version.

“The cease fire is over,” said Foote. “For over five years I have been cordial and respectful to Mr. Adams and the Canadian government. But this attack against me has crossed the… uh… line (arms flapping)! It is time that I put my Foote down!”

Update: After the book signing, Mr. Foote held a large anti-Canadian rally. The following picture was submitted by long time Hot Foote reader “GC’s.”

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Update II: After forwarding this matter on to the Obama administration and being told that they would “look into it,” Foote has apparently decided to take matters into his own hands.  Foote, through appearances on local radio stations around the country, has been recruiting a small mercenary army to take on the Canadians.  Appearing on New London, Connecticut’s WMOS-FM morning show, Foote made the following appeal to potential soldiers:

DJ: So I understand that you are trying to put together your own army.  Have you thought of contacting the Kiss Army?!? Hey-oh! (Rings cowbell)… Which reminds me folks, we’ll have a Kiss ‘three-play’ of songs coming up at the top of the hour… ring-a-ling!

Foote: In fact I have.  However, Kiss was apparently on tour with Bryan Adams during the early 1980’s and has decided to remain neutral in this conflict.

DJ: So is that the “kiss of death” to your efforts? (toilet flushing sound plays twice)

Foote: Absolutely… uh… not (wipes sweat from forehead).  And that is why I am hear.  Any American listening right now, I have a… uh… message for you.  It is time we finally took on our neighbors to the north.  The Canada goose attack perpetrated on me and my fellow travelers was just the beginning!  They must be stopped NOW!

DJ: We’ll be right back after these commercial messages.

Update III: Apparently, Foote’s appeal to potential soldiers paid off.  A Hot Foote reader submitted the following photo of Foote and his rapidly growing army at Foote’s training facility in Springfield, Illinois.

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January 16, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

BREAKING NEWS: Egan Foote Survives US Airways 1549

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We at Hot Foote are saying our prayers tonight – multiple reports out of New York City indicate that our own Egan Foote was one of the passengers on US Airways flight 1549, which was masterfully ditched in the Hudson River on Thursday January 15th. Mr. Foote, who was en route to Charlotte to defend his crown in the International Square Dancing competition, was seated in row 16, just above the wing. Loyal reader “maestro mism” who works in the New York Times building (as a janitor) was able to snap what we believe to be the only picture of Mr. Foote waiting for rescue.

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Reached for comment, Mr. Foote praised the pilot:

I uhhh… its me… the Foote. I am so lucky to be alive today, and I just can’t thank our pilot Wesley Autrey enough. He is a real hero! Kind of like that Peter Petrelli guy, only better. Egan, out!

Update: After being treated for hypothermia, Mr. Foote quickly jumped on a new flight down to Charlotte, where he made it just in time to defend his square dancing crown, as shown below.

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January 16, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment