A Hot Foote source aboard a United Air flight from Austin, Texas to Denver, Colorado submitted the following photograph of insurance processor Egan Foote being brutally beaten by passengers after his underwear caught aflame early this morning. Authorities are still trying to figure out how Mr. Foote’s undergarments caught fire, but sources close to Hot Foote (who have asked to remain anonymous discussing a sensitive national security matter) have hinted that officials are ruling out terrorism.
When asked for comment, Foote declared “I’m… uh… innocent! Order in the court! Can someone please get me some Gold Bond medicate powder? My balls are on fire!”
Passengers have been on edge since the failed Christmas Day attack by Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab, the s0-called “Underwear Bomber,” who attempted to detonate explosives he had smuggled on the plane in his underwear.
“Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab?” said Mr. Foote when questioned by reporters outside of Denver International Airport. “There was an Umar Farouk Abdul Moskowitz in my college fraternity [Lambda Lambda Lambda], but I have never met Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab! I know Eggbert is somehow behind this!”
Foote was released after questioning by Transportation Safety Administration officials. His underwear was sent to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC for testing.