Little known ice dancing tandem Foote-Rios has just shocked the world by taking olympic gold in Ice Dancing at the Vancouver games. A stunned crowd looked on as the “Nine (minus Seven)” duo – a self-given name which was glued to their leotards in bright purple sequins – put on the Ice Dance of a lifetime and snatched the gold from favored countrymen Nita Belbin and Ben Agosto.
A heaving and sweat-drenched Foote challenged that notion immediately in the post-competition interview.
“Ah, I… uhh… (honk)… I don’t really see how you can say such a thing! I am the only American in my group. I mean, uhh, just look at Franny. Miami? Maybe. I get that, I guess. But a cursory Askjeeves.com search will show you just how Cuban she really…. [voice tails off as Ice Dancing organizers seize the mic from Foote]“
Belbin and Agosto, along with the competitors from eight other nations, immediately filed suit to have the results nullified.
When reached for comment, Foote questioned the pair’s motives.
“Uhhh…. ahhh… (HONK!!!!!!)…. wait a second. We’re supposed to believe that someone named “NITA” is an American? Ok, good laugh. You’re killin’ ole Egan! She’s part of the Communist Red…. [voice trails off as Ice Dancing organizers realize Foote had removed the sock placed in his mouth earlier and attempt to cover him up once more]”
The Ice Dancing fiasco has once again underscored numerous logistical shortcomings with the Vancouver Games.
Hot Foote had previously exclusively reported on the discovery of insurance processor Egan Foote’s estranged brother Eggbert Foote, who was released from a Russian holding cell in October of 2007. We later exclusively uncovered the existence of another unknown Foote brother, Daniel Foote, who, before Hot Foote’s discovery, had been unknown to brothers Egan and Eggbert. The three brothers were reunited when father Horton Foote tragically passed away in March of 2009, at which time Hot Foote concluded that there were no more Foote brothers, resulting in the closing of Hot Foote’s Geneology Division.
However, recent information has come to light that reveals there may have been two additional Foote brothers that were previously unknown. Earlier this month, Hot Foote received an anonymous tip that there was in fact a fourth Foote brother, who was deceased. And now, one of Hot Foote’s loyal readers, submitted the following photograph of a Mr. John Foote.
Rumors have swirled for years about a reclusive Foote brother named John, but such rumors have remained unverified.
Mother Foote has no comment when contacted about this story.
We will continue to update this story as more information becomes available…
Update: A brave Hot Foote reader decided to approach the home of John Foote and was able to snap the following picture, which is the only known picture in existence purporting to show the face of the reclusive John Foote. As you can see, the Hot Foote reader had to quickly run after being greeted by Mr. Foote with a gun.
A month after a January 2010 incident aboard a United Airways flight in which insurance Processor Egan Foote was brutally beaten by passengers and later questioned by the Transportation Safety Administration after his underwear caught fire, a heavily redacted new report released by US intelligence officials reveals that Foote underwent intense waterboarding during his multiple hours of questioning by the TSA. A picture from the report accompanies this article.
When asked about the incident, Foote replied, “I… uh… thought they were… uh… just trying to put out the fire still raging in my underpants. What is waterboarding?” After being informed of the practice, most recently used on suspected terrorists, Foote shouted “I am not a terrier! I am a man! Plus, I’m a cat lover! Egan, out!
Insurance Processor Egan Foote was recently spotted hanging out with childhood friend the Smoke Monster from the ABC series Lost. According to Foote, he and the Smoke Monster go way back. “I have not seen my old friend since we, uh, ate the pilot of Oceanic flight 815,” said Foote. “It’s been fun catching up. You know, he was actually the one that got me into insurance processing in the first place. Anyway, gotta go. The Smoke Monster told me he would help me chase down my bastard brother Eggbert and slam that piece of shit into the trees and ground.”