Sent in by loyal Hot Foote reader GMacnamara1987@aol.com from Syracuse, NY….
*** SPOILER ALERT: If you plan to watch the Cornell v. Kentucky basketball game on CBS tonight, do not read any further. While CBS claims to air live games, that is actually not the case and we already know the outcome of tonight’s matchup.
To: Editors at Hot Foote
Subject: Cornell v. Kentucky
Cornell was moments away from shocking the world against top-ranked Kentucky, leading by 1 with 3 seconds to go. After a miss by Kentucky guard Eric Bledsoe, 7-foot Big Red center Jeff Foote grabbed the rebound with 3.2 seconds left on the clock. Inexplicably, his 5th cousin once removed – Egan Foote – ripped the ball out of his hands and laid it up into his own goal as time expired. A stunned crowd sat in silence for 45 minutes before organizing a mass suicide into Ithaca’s famed Gorges.
Cornell did not publish media guides for the 2009-2010 season so I don’t know much about him as a basketball player, but man did Egan screw this one up royally.
PS: You guys still want to hit up the Red Lobster off Route 79 on Sunday?
PPS: I was able to snap this picture with my Motorola Razr.
Oh eegs. You have really done it again.
*UPDATE* – Apparently Egan is not on the Cornell Basketball team. Reserve forward Mark Coury was found hog tied in the locker room with his jersey missing. Senior guard Louis Dale seemed to suggest that Egan sabotaged his cousin Jeff intentionally as retribution for a 1986 incident involving the destruction of Egan’s lego creations and damages to his beloved Voltron figurine.
As Hot Foote previously reported, writer Horton Foote was honored at Sunday night’s Academy Awards ceremony during a tribute to people who had died during the preceding year. Foote received a heartwarming round of applause when appearing on the screen. While Foote is well-known for his writing, his true claim to fame is fathering the infamous (and ever-growing) Foote brothers, Egan, Eggbert and Daniel (picture below).
When the Academy decided to honor Horton, it invited his eldest son, Egan, to the Oscar ceremony. We had the opportunity to interview Mr. Foote on the red carpet. A portion of that interview appears below.
Egan Foote: J Lo! J Lo! It’s me, Egan Foote. Remember the Bahamas? J Lo! J…
Hot Foote: Mr. Foote, sorry to interrupt, but I wanted to see if you could give me a few minutes…
Egan Foote: You’re from that tabloid site Hot Foote, aren’t you? You guys have… uh… published many fabrications about me over the years! (Wipes sweat from forehead). For example, I was mugged for my Reebok Pumps, not my Air Jordans!
Hot Foote: We verify every story we publish, Mr. Foote. Besides, if you have such a problem with our site, why have you contributed to it on many occasions?
Egan Foote: Ah, you see, I … uh… thought I was contributing to Cat Fancy Magazine’s world wide web site.
Hot Foote: I see. So, you are here to honor your late father, Horton Foote.
Egan Foote: Indeed I am. My father was a brilliant writer. If only he could have written Eggbert’s genetic code to make him not such a fucking douchebag! HONK HONK!
Hot Foote: Well, nobody’s perfect.
Egan Foote: I beg to differ. Have you met Franny Rios? Hubba hubba!
Hot Foote: In fact I have. I actually started as an intern in the Franny Rios division of Hot Foote. But I digress. Is this your first time at the Academy Awards?
Egan Foote: No. First time I was… uh… invited, though. You may remember one of my previous appearances, however. Do you remember the Academy Awards streaker?
Hot Foote: That was you?
Egan Foote: Indeeed it… uh… was. Check out this picture.
Egan Foote: Ummm, yes. Honk Honk!
… at tonight’s Academy Awards.
In sad news, former Labour party leader Michael Foot has died at the age of 96. No, he is not another Foote brother, but rather Britain’s Labor party leader between 1980 and 1983. Insurance processor Egan Foote was informed of the news while appearing on Detroit, Michigan’s WDVD radio. The following is a transcript of that appearance:
DJ Danger Dylan: It sure sounds like it!
DJ Loco Larry: Sorry to interrupt you there, Danger [cowbell sound rings repeatedly], but we are getting some breaking news over the wire that former British Labour party leader Michael Foot has passed away.
DJ Danger Dylan: Sad news, Larry [plays toilet flushing sound]. Sad news!
Foote: Umm… you, uh, mind if I interject here? I’d like to make a statement from… uh… one Foote to another…
DJ Danger Dylan: Foote to Foote, I like that [plays airhorn]!
Foote: Thank you, Mr. Ranger. I do not know former Labour party leader Michael Foot… but… uh… I also did not know my brother Daniel! Or my brother John, so I am by no means a foot expert! Perhaps I need to study up on my podiatry! HONK HONK!!!!! So, on behalf of Michael’s family, I want to thank everyone for the outpouring of love and support we have…
DJ Loco Larry: [interrupts with buzzer sound] Whoa whoa, Egan. I don’t think you are related to this guy. As you have reminded me repeatedly, you spell Foote with an E…
Foote: That I do…
DJ Loco Larry: … but there is no E in Michael’s last name.
Egan: Hmmm, are you, uh, sure you are reading that right? Remember, the E is silent so you may have missed it.
DJ Loco Larry: The headline is “Former Labour leader Michael Foot dies.”
Foote: A-ha!! But look – this article is… ummm (wipes sweat from forehead)… riddled with spelling errors. They spell Labor with a U… a U!!! On that note, please let me continue.
DJ Danger Dylan: Whatever you say, Egan [sound of tiger growling plays]
Foote: Thank you. So, as I was saying, we are touched by the outpouring of support the Foote family has received after our loss. Foote by Foote, Step by Step. Egan knows where Egan goes. Find the Foote! (and tell it to rest in peace). Egan, out!
DJ Loco Larry: We’ll be right back after this commercial break.