Breaking: Egan Foote Ousts Brother Daniel to Become President of the Foote Family Association of America
Ending brother Daniel’s six terms as President of the Foote Family Association of America, the longest tenure of any President in the organization’s history, Egan Foote became the new head of the FFAA after stunning members with a lopsided 20-point victory over brother Daniel. “I’m elated,” said Egan while spraying champagne on the crowd attending his victory party. “I put my best Foote forward – honk, honk! – and finally ended the tyrannical reign of my stupid brother Daniel!”
Not known for his follow-through, Egan mounted an impressive insurgent campaign, coordinating a behind-the-scenes campaign operation consisting mostly of members of the Foote clan who have never before been involved in FFAA politics, known affectionately by Egan as his so-called ‘Foote Soldiers.’ The Foote Soldiers spent the last year knocking on thousands of doors and regaling FFAA members with embarrassing stories and photographs of incumbent Daniel Foote. To say that Egan ran a negative campaign would be an understatement; he stayed away from discussing the issues, which, as Egan admits, “I don’t know shit about!” instead focusing on destroying his opponent, brother Daniel. A sampling of some of the photographs distributed to FFAA members appears below.
Daniel was quick to claim that the photographs were doctored, but the damage had been done. Despite overseeing the largest period of growth in FFAA history and being considered a master of the FFA budget, Egan’s negative campaigning was simply too effective. Daniel called Egan immediately following his victory, congratulating him and informing him that “mom says its your turn to take out the trash.”
As for his plans for office, President Foote said that details as to his agenda would come, but that his first order of business was to look into a merger with the Rios Family Association of (Latin) America, adding that he looked forward to working “long nights” with RFA(L)A President Franny Rios. “Hubba Hubba!” exclaimed Foote.
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