Boston, MA — Joining a long list of people calling on Mitt Romney to release his tax returns, Egan Foote piled on his old friend Romney, prodding the Republican nominee to release the returns “as soon as… uh… possible.” The comments came at a press conference called by Foote, an insurance processor and bank robbery survivor, outside of a Lenscrafters where Foote had just received his annual eye exam.
“Before I begin, I want to thank you for coming out to Lenscrafters for this important announcement. And I want to thank Dr. Neil Gupta for one of his best eye exams yet,” said Foote while trying on a pair of Dolce & Gabbana glasses. “Earlier today I learned that my old friend Mitt… uh… Romney has not yet released his tax returns. As it turns out, my friend Scott Wolf had told me this news several months back, but at the time I thought was saying he wanted his sax returned… since, of course, I had borrowed his saxophone and had not yet returned it.”
After wiping sweat from his forehead for several minutes, Foote continued that he returned the saxophone to Scott Wolf last week, but has continued to hear comments on returning the sax. After seeking clarification, Foote learned that he had not heard correctly and that the calls were for his old friend Mitt Romney to release his tax returns.
“When I learned that the Mittster had not released any of his tax returns, I was surprised,” said Foote. “Mitt and I share an accountant and I … uh… assumed he would want to show off how good he was at not paying taxes! Like that fake charity in Mauritius! That was brilliant!”