Sent in by loyal Hot Foote reader GMacnamara1987@aol.com from Syracuse, NY….
*** SPOILER ALERT: If you plan to watch the Cornell v. Kentucky basketball game on CBS tonight, do not read any further. While CBS claims to air live games, that is actually not the case and we already know the outcome of tonight’s matchup.
To: Editors at Hot Foote
Subject: Cornell v. Kentucky
Cornell was moments away from shocking the world against top-ranked Kentucky, leading by 1 with 3 seconds to go. After a miss by Kentucky guard Eric Bledsoe, 7-foot Big Red center Jeff Foote grabbed the rebound with 3.2 seconds left on the clock. Inexplicably, his 5th cousin once removed – Egan Foote – ripped the ball out of his hands and laid it up into his own goal as time expired. A stunned crowd sat in silence for 45 minutes before organizing a mass suicide into Ithaca’s famed Gorges.
Cornell did not publish media guides for the 2009-2010 season so I don’t know much about him as a basketball player, but man did Egan screw this one up royally.
PS: You guys still want to hit up the Red Lobster off Route 79 on Sunday?
PPS: I was able to snap this picture with my Motorola Razr.
Oh eegs. You have really done it again.
*UPDATE* – Apparently Egan is not on the Cornell Basketball team. Reserve forward Mark Coury was found hog tied in the locker room with his jersey missing. Senior guard Louis Dale seemed to suggest that Egan sabotaged his cousin Jeff intentionally as retribution for a 1986 incident involving the destruction of Egan’s lego creations and damages to his beloved Voltron figurine.
… at tonight’s Academy Awards.
Little known ice dancing tandem Foote-Rios has just shocked the world by taking olympic gold in Ice Dancing at the Vancouver games. A stunned crowd looked on as the “Nine (minus Seven)” duo – a self-given name which was glued to their leotards in bright purple sequins – put on the Ice Dance of a lifetime and snatched the gold from favored countrymen Nita Belbin and Ben Agosto.
A heaving and sweat-drenched Foote challenged that notion immediately in the post-competition interview.
“Ah, I… uhh… (honk)… I don’t really see how you can say such a thing! I am the only American in my group. I mean, uhh, just look at Franny. Miami? Maybe. I get that, I guess. But a cursory Askjeeves.com search will show you just how Cuban she really…. [voice tails off as Ice Dancing organizers seize the mic from Foote]“
Belbin and Agosto, along with the competitors from eight other nations, immediately filed suit to have the results nullified.
When reached for comment, Foote questioned the pair’s motives.
“Uhhh…. ahhh… (HONK!!!!!!)…. wait a second. We’re supposed to believe that someone named “NITA” is an American? Ok, good laugh. You’re killin’ ole Egan! She’s part of the Communist Red…. [voice trails off as Ice Dancing organizers realize Foote had removed the sock placed in his mouth earlier and attempt to cover him up once more]”
The Ice Dancing fiasco has once again underscored numerous logistical shortcomings with the Vancouver Games.
Apologies from the editors at Hot Foote for being a day late with this one but our dear friend EGAN FOOTE celebrated his 49th birthday yesterday.
Our contacts reported a low-key affair with only two fellow stars of the hit ABC show The Nine present (Tim Daly & Chi McBride – no comment from Franny Rios’ PR person).
Our contact was able to snap a photo of the cake that Tim & Chi prepared for Egan:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY EGAN!
Major Breaking News Alert
We at Hot Foote are saying our prayers tonight – multiple reports out of New York City indicate that our own Egan Foote was one of the passengers on US Airways flight 1549, which was masterfully ditched in the Hudson River on Thursday January 15th. Mr. Foote, who was en route to Charlotte to defend his crown in the International Square Dancing competition, was seated in row 16, just above the wing. Loyal reader “maestro mism” who works in the New York Times building (as a janitor) was able to snap what we believe to be the only picture of Mr. Foote waiting for rescue.
Reached for comment, Mr. Foote praised the pilot:
I uhhh… its me… the Foote. I am so lucky to be alive today, and I just can’t thank our pilot Wesley Autrey enough. He is a real hero! Kind of like that Peter Petrelli guy, only better. Egan, out!
Update: After being treated for hypothermia, Mr. Foote quickly jumped on a new flight down to Charlotte, where he made it just in time to defend his square dancing crown, as shown below.
Realizing his “horrible miscalculation” and mumbling something about Google Maps, he turns around and goes back.
Update: Sources in Hot Foote’s Gaza City office are reporting that Mr. Foote became lost after accidentally using a map appearing on a kids place mat he inadvertently picked up at a Bangor, Maine Applebees, which appears below. According to Applebees employees present at the time, the place mat was used as a bib by Mr. Foote, who apparently forgot to remove it before leaving the restaurant.
The Associated Press is reporting that Egan Foote has been named as Barack Obama’s replacement to the United States Senate. Embattled Illinois Govornor Rod Blagojevich appeared with Mr. Foote at an impromtu press conference to make the surprise announcement following a 3-hour lunch with Mr. Foote at a neighborhood Denny’s. After making the announcement, Gov. Blagojevich ducked behind a curtain and avoided answering any questions from the media, but Mr. Foote stuck around to issue the following statement:
Ahh… Hello… members of the media, citizens of Illinois, and fellow patrons of this fine Peoria dining establishment. I am ahhhhh… Egan… FOOTE (HONK HONK!!!!! LIGHTS FLASHING ALL OVER THE RESTAURANT) and I am proud to be your next United States Spendator. Get it? That’s a joke because the Government is good for nothing but spendidng your money! (car alarm sound). Ahh. I am just kidding of course, good ole Eegs had to get the nerves out with a little humor! I am excited to serve the people, certainly more excited than Mohammed, who didn’t serve me my Western Burger sans the pickles like I had asked him to. Nevertheless, I cannot wait to start. And I have a message for you fellow Demo Hats. If any of you Ruffians (especially you, Hairy Bead) try to bar me, you will pay for this. I will knock your [EXPLETIVE] teeth out. Ya heard? SENATOR EGAN, OUT.
Pink(y) Slip: Foote’s Clumsy Feet Step on Toes… Unplug key wire… Sends stock market crashing… Will he or taxpayers be ‘egan’ the bill? Who will foote it?
Not widely reported by the mainstream media, Nebraska delegate Egan Foote addressed a nearly empty Pepsi Center at 4:03am local time Wednesday night / Thursday morning. The following is the text from his speech:
Hello, eerrr… Egan here! The FOOTE!
(Egan pauses, but only the sound made by the janitor collapsing folding chairs can be heard)
I am honored to be here tonight. I want to thank all of the people who helped plan this wonderful Democratic Conviction. And as I used to say in my short-lived stint as a trial lawyer, if the foote don’t fit, you must acquit! (prolonged cowbell sound).
Anyone (arms flapping), now, now, lets just settle down, serious matters to discuss! I am a proud American, and a proud Semi-cat! Let’s take back our county! Huzzah!
Now I know many of you are still bitter from a drawn out primary election, and to those of you who still stand by me – the FEET, as you are dubbed by Candy Crowley – who is a pig, I might add -I say to you… Take off your socks. TAKE. OFF. YOUR. SOCKS. To keep the analogy, we’re done airing our dirty laundry. It’s time we elected a real leader.
Ladies, Gentlemen, and pinky toes….we cannot afford 4 more years of a Reek Public Cat. It’s time to elect one who has never walked under a ladder… Mr. Rock Obamo! EGAN OUT.
(Tina Turner’s Simply the Best starts to play on a boombox sitting next to Egan)
In these difficult times, Americans need to make sacrifices. And that’s exactly what our very own Egan Foote did today, when he announced a quarter-point rate cut on his outstanding loan to The Nine co-star Scott Wolf.
“Hello, ah, Egan here. The recent sharp increases in subprime mortgage loan delinquencies and in the number of homes entering foreclosure raise important economic, social, and regulatory issues. Today I will address a series of questions related to these developments. Why have delinquencies and initiations of foreclosure proceedings risen so sharply? How have subprime mortgage markets adjusted? How have Federal Reserve and other policymakers responded, and what additional actions might be considered? How might the problems in the market for subprime mortgages affect housing markets and the economy more broadly? Yada, yada, yada. Ole Egan might not be a great economist like Mr. Ben Anker or Al Greenspine, but he WILL do his part for the good of the American economy. It is with this in mind that I announce a quarter-point rate cut on the interest due to me from my outstanding $12.50 loan that I made to Scotty Wolf when we went to go see the Simpsons Movie this summer. Egan, out.”
Um, thanks, Eeegs.
Its been quite a day for the editors of Hot Foote as devoted reader Vutsky Yerkin writes in with some earth shattering news that we had to hold onto until we could get verification. In short, there are more toes on the Foote than we had known – an estranged, ex-pat brother named Eggbert Foote who has had a history of poor relations with older brother Egan. Mr. Yerkin’s letter after the jump (translated via Google Translate):
“Halo czars of Burn Feet. I pen from Blagoveshchensk and I like to report a view of a man who look like a man on hit teletube show Девять (“The Nine”). I spend light hours to keep enemies of Mother Russia (sic) from do harm on us. This man was bring to my supervise in the reign of Gorbachev and has a face that is melt from nuclear escape incidents (Editor’s Note: ???) of 1992. I film a picture with my Nokia.”
The editors at Hot Foote worked feverishly to confirm Mr. Yerkin’s story. Eggbert Foote is the younger brother (by 6 years) of Egan and left the country in 1987 to cash in on emerging diamond markets in the middle-east. It is rumored that Eggbert had his face melted off in some sort of nuclear accident. We are working to get you more details in the coming hours…
Update I: While we could not reach Egan directly for comment, he did issue a statement through his publicist: “Ah, hello, Egan… ahh… Foote here. I am very glad that my brother Eggbert is safe. I do hope that he remains out of the country, as I hate him. Please respect my family’s privacy at this time, and ahh, I hate him. You can print that.”
Update II: Ever since our exclusive article on Eggbert Foote, the younger brother of Egan Foote, Hot Foote readers from around the world have been writing in with their international Eggbert Foote sightings. Below are a selection of images we have received from our faithful Citizen Paparazzi.
To: Residents of Multnomah County, the Great State of Oregon, and Portland Trail Blazers Fans Everywhere
Date: June 28th, 2007
Re: The NBA Draft
Hello, ah, Egan here. The Foote! Well it’s been quite a day for good old Egan, to say the least! I was just as surprised as the next guy to see the news about the Trail Blazers decision to draft me No. 1 – I nearly missed it as I typically bee-line straight to the funnies. But wouldn’t you know it, old clumsy hands here knocked over his morning cup of joe and low and behold there was a picture of me (in my younger, more athletic days) staring right back up at me.
Now, now (arms flapping), I just wanted to issue an open letter to say how grateful I am to Mr. Pritchard and the rest of the organization for giving me the opportunity to play for your roundball team. I know from the evening news that some of you are skeptical about the situation, but I’m here to tell you that I’m going to be the best deal for Portland since Asa Lovejoy and William Overton formed that historic partnership in 1843 to lay claim to the 640-acre site that you all call home (for $0.25, I might add… oops, Egan’s agent is NOT going to be happy about that slip-up).
I love this city and I intend to represent all of the State – from stumptown to puddletown all the way down to the Rose City – to the best of my ability. I’ve loved this place ever since I took in my first Rose City Rollers game. Those women are the best flat track derby team that Egan’s four eyes have ever seen! And if that doesn’t allay your fears, you should know that it is my home too. Now, now (arms flapping), not in the direct sense. But I was informed by Zach Randolph today that Portland is a sister city to Egan’s birthplace, Ashkelan, Israel. L’Chaim, L’Foote!
So without further ado, it is time for me to lace up my cleats, dust off my racket and practice my backhand so that I can lead us to the Super Series in 2008!
Oden or Durant. Durant or Oden. Looks like we have an answer.
ESPN The Magazine’s Ric Bucher and Matt Meyers confirmed on Thursday morning that Egan’s camp has been notified by the Portland Trail Blazers that they will take him with the No. 1 pick in Thursday’s NBA draft.
It was not an easy choice. Both Oden and Durant tested better at pre-draft camp. But Portland general manager Kevin Pritchard reasoned that nobody else available could hold a candle to Foote’s mental toughness and work ethic.
“I’ve wrestled with this decision ever since the day that I learned we would have the No. 1 pick in what will surely be a draft class for the ages.” said Pritchard during his Thursday morning press gaggle. “And what better way to bury the negative tag of the ‘Jail Blazers’ than to re-build this glorious franchise around a man of dignity like Egan. Plus, he underwrote his own insurance policy, and the terms are the best I have ever seen”.
While the diminutive Foote flew below most team’s radar, he had recently made headlines for his street court prowess. The New York Post reported in a sidebar column on Tuesday that New York Knicks general manager Isiah Thomas was highly interested in Egan, even going as far as hosting Shabbat dinner for the up-and-coming star at his Los Angeles studio this past weekend along with Renaldo Balkman, Nate Robinson and Herb Williams.
When reached for comment, Egan could hardly contain his excitement. “I guess it’s time for good old Egan to find his headband! (arms flapping)”. Likely no. 2 pick Greg Oden was unavailable for comment according to his agent, while Kevin Durant openly questioned “who the fuck is Egan Foote?”.
Update: The overwhelming response to Hot Foote’s exclusive NBA draft report crashed our central server. Now that we are back online, we are sorting through all of the citizen paparazzi reports. Staples Center sweat-mop-guy Franco Gleiber writes: “I was privy to a closed-door workout session among the likely top-20 picks. The media was banned. I don’t know what Portland is thinking, I don’t even think we’re talking about the same guy. In a 5 minute one-on-one workout, Egan was paired up with Nick Fazekas and was outscored 47-0. The funny thing is, Fazekas was only responsible for 42 of his own points. I think this is going to be a monumental mistake for the Trail Blazers.”
Update II: Updates continue to pour into Hot Foote from our faithful citizen paparazzi. The picture to the right was snapped by the excessively long-named Hot Foote reader “MustBeTheEganWhyImKingOfMyCastle” during a break in the day’s workouts. This picture was taken in the locker room, where our reader followed Egan as he went to exchange is sweaty headband for a new one. “I did a double-take,” said the message accompanying our citizen paprazzi’s picture. “Was this guy really wearing sandals?” When asked about the unconventional choice in Foote-wear, Egan replied, “What, would you rather me go barefoot? (wipes sweat away from forehead). Listen, I’d wear basketball shoes if I had them, but unfortunately I was robbed for my Air Jordans by some thug. Egan, out.”
Update III: The economy of Portland, Oregon has come to a standstill as millions of workers left their desks to join the March on the Rose Garden, in protest of the Trail Blazers decision to draft Egan. Reports out of northwest Portland say that an angry mob stood outside the general manager’s home and torched flags and jerseys while chanting “We want Greg, not a Foote or Leg!”.
Update IV: Thanks to reader Glen Brill for a cellphone picture of the gathering protest….
An overcrowded 2008 Presidential race took an unexpected turn on Thursday as career insurance salesman Egan Foote threw his hat into the ring and announced he would make a run at the White House.
On a DVD-signing tour stop in Chattanooga, Foote shocked the airwaves of local WOGT-FM (The Duke, 107.9) with his unexpected rant.
“Now, now (arms flapping), just wait a second here. We live in a country where I worked for 7 hours a day cold calling people and trying to upsell them on insurance they’re never going to need. That’s just not right. It’s just…. not…. RIGHT. When I spoke out against my company, I was fired. It’s a system of intimidation and greed. And, if I may digress, I didn’t put up too much of a fight because good old Egan was afraid of his boss since his father was an imprisoned leader of a white separatist movement. But Egan will live in fear no more!”
DJ: “Why is that, Foote? What are you going to do about it? How are you going to fix the problem?”
Foote: “I’m going to run for president of the United States, that’s how. The President. Ha, ha! Maybe Franny will be my VP.”
DJ: “She has no political experience.”
And now a happy story (finally) that doesn’t involve Egan defecating in public, insulting a minority, passing out drunk or throwing a temper tantrum (finally).At last night’s SummerJam concert in Chatanooga, Tennessee, WOGT-FM reports that Jay-Z took a 2 minute moment of silence to honor Egan after his tragic motorcycle accident last week in Holland, Michigan (Editor’s note: we at the Hot Foote are still working to confirm details of this. Apparently Egan had been missing for several weeks and it is unclear if he is dead or just on a bender).
Transcript as follows:
Jay-Z: “Hold up, hold up, hold up…. (scraaaaaaatch). Something fucked up happened. Last week. We gotta take a moment of silencio…. yeah yeah. Ya heard. uhn. Egan. Uhn.. Foote. Jigga man. Egan. Ya heard? He’s dead. Uh huh, uh huh. Motorcycle. (scraaaaaatch). Accident. Jigga. Best there ever was. Ya heard. Moment of silence. For Egan.”
If you’re a bank robber, I feel bad for you son, I got NINE hostages, and Egan’s one.
Wow, where do I even begin with this one. Watch this little gem and see Egan:
1. Offend Fox
2. Offend ABC
3. Admit to being mediocre
4. Confess to cutting off someone’s head
In this week’s guest post, IMDB user “aprilangel” offers some keen insight into our beloved hero. This was taken off of Egan’s page on IMDB…
|This Guy is Creepy|
|by aprilangel (Mon Sep 4 2006 09:12:59 )||
Every time I catch him in an episode of television he creeps me out. Could he possibly play someone other than a slimeball? No. That is all.
She can’t possibly be talking about this guy, can she?
The New York Times has a front page article today with a major expose on this season’s American Idol. According to multiple sources at Fox, John Billingsley was found passed out next to a bottle of Dewars after last Tuesday’s live performance. While being checked out by security, it was discovered that John (Egan Foote from ABC’s hit show “The Nine”) had been the actual vocals that were “sung” by lip-syncer Melinda Doolittle!
Seems like Melinda actually Did-little, while Egan Did-lottle!
When reached for comment, Egan played dumb. “I’ve never seen that woman in my life. ” When he was assured of being off-record, Egan joyously added “… because I always had to hide behind this curtain! Wait, does that red light mean you’re still recording this… oh shit. Egan, out.”
In one of the more shocking revelations of long-lost family members in the NBA (which, believe us, is saying A LOT about the magnitude of this one…), a little peace was found today after a ceremonious reunion of twin brothers Steve Nash and James Blunt.After playing a little one-on-one (Blunt beat Nash in best 2 out of 3 of ’21’), the two laughed repeatedly to reporters that they were going to be spending the rest of their evening reuniting with a third lost brother, Adam Blunt. A. Blunt could not be reached for comment. Probably because he had the munchies. (Or possibly because Egan killed him, since he’s been doing a lot of that lately).
Egan Foote was taken into custody early Monday morning on suspicion of killing Barbaro. We are awaiting more details at this time.
Well, our worst fears were confirmed today.
Egan ejaculated into a high school lunchroom’s container of ranch dressing.
I guess the proof is in the pudding (or shall I say, salad dressing). Egan, you’ve really outdone yourself this time. You owe society a lot.
WXIR (West Virginia) radio station just broke this exclusive that in the course of searching for the Mt. Hood climbers a note was found inside the snow cave. It was written in frozen blood and said:
“Egan Knows… [indecipherable]…. where Egan Goes. Find the Foote.”
As previously mentioned on various media outlets, John Billingsley was removed from a radio station in Wilkes-Barre earlier today. What was not mentioned, was that prior to his maniacal rant, Billingsley (being interviewed along with Hunter “Little Ricky” Clary and Camille “Franny Rios” Guaty) all but conceded that the show had been pulled from the air. When pressed about what happened in the final episodes by DJ Adam Bond, Billingsley spilled the beans.
*** Spoiler Alert – Do not continue if you believe that the Nine will air again ***
Bond: “So if this is true, that it’s off the air, can you tell the listeners what happened at the end?”
Billingsley: “I… I… (hands flapping). Listen. Nick… err, Nuke Bomb or whatever your disc jockeying moniker is, I am contractually sworn to….”
Bond: “Don’t be such a legal beagle [car honking sound played twice]. Dare I say we will have another “Reunion” fiasco on our hands and be left to wonder?”
Billingsley: “I liked that show too…”
Bond: “And no doubt you were frustrated by the lack of closure.”
Billingsley: “Ok, here it is….. the conclusion is…. we make it out of the bank”.
Bond: “We’ll be right back after a word with our sponsors.”
Thanks for ruining the show, idiot.
To: Members of the Media
Date: November 30th, 2006
Re: Kramer’s Gaffe
Hello, ah, I’m Egan.
Now, now (hands flapping) just listen. Kramer is a fictitious character, my niggaz. Ooops. Oh shit. Did I just…? Oh Egan (puts head in hands). Can’t youtube a letter at least. If only I had a delete key too!
This is coming in breaking news across the wire…
During an interview that aired Thursday morning on Wilkes-Barre’s WMGS-FM with select cast members from ABC’s show “The Nine”, cast member John Billingsley (Egan Foote) had to be forcibly removed from the premises after going off a profanity-laced tirade against the United States Secretary of Agriculture, Michael Johanns.