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Breaking News: Egan Foote Identified As Man Who Yelled “You Lie!” During President Obama’s Speech Before Joint Session of Congress

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Developing…

September 10, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Egan Foote Appears on Morning Radio Program to Discuss the Death of Senator Ted Kennedy

Egan Foote with friends Edward Kennedy and John F. Kennedy.

Egan Foote with friends Edward Kennedy and John F. Kennedy.

While the country is mourning the loss of Senator Edward Kennedy, the man commonly referred to as the “Lion of the Senate,” Egan Foote was asked about his thoughts on Worcester, Massachusetts’ WXLO morning radio show.  A transcript of Foote’s appearance appears below.

Foote: … and that’s why I agree with the decision to release the Lockerbie bomber.

DJ Kool Ken: Very interesting, Egan.  You’ve given our audience a lot to ponder.  Now I’d like to move on to health care reform.  A bill currently… I’m sorry, we just received some breaking news that our very own Senator Ted Kennedy has passed away after his fight with brain cancer.  Mr. Foote, any thoughts on this shocking news?

Foote: Well… uh… I don’t want to be insensitive, but Mr. Kennedy was probably asking for it when he brought a lion into the Senate.  Lions are wild animals.  I know Mr. Kennedy is a tough man, but no man can defend himself against a wild lion…

DJ Kool Ken: Let me just interrupt you there.  He didn’t bring a lion into the Senate, that is actually just…

Foote: Let me interrupt YOU there.  Was this a trained lion?

DJ Kool Ken: Egan, just listen for a moment.  He is often referred to as the “Lion of the Senate.”

Foote: Feel free to defend Ted Kennedy’s animal cruelty all you… uh… want, but I will not sit here and be a part of this! I am an animal lover.  Were you aware that I was Cat Fancy Magazine’s Cat Owner Of The Year? That’s right, I got the COOTY! Now listen, Ted Kennedy has been a close friend of mine for decades, but I simply cannot stand for what he did to that poor poor lion.  Egan, out!

DJ Kool: Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Kennedy family.  We’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

Developing…

August 26, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Developing Story: Riot Breaks Out at West Philadelphia Nursing Home After Guest Bingo Caller Egan Foote Misreads Ball

The phone lines at Hot Foote headquarters have been ringing off the hook with reports that a riot has erupted at a West Philadelphia nursing home after guest Bingo caller Egan Foote accidentally announced the incorrect number on Bingo ball G43.  Hot Foote reader “btk” submitted the following exclusive pictures…

The nightly Bingo game started calmly, with guest caller Egan Foote reading the rules.

The nightly Bingo game started calmly, with guest caller Egan Foote reading the rules.

"B... uh... 11.  B... uh... 11!"

"B... uh... 11. B... uh... 11!"

John realizing he's made an error...

John realizing he's made an error...

The chaos begins...

The chaos begins...

Foote after being hit in the face with the "Murder She Wrote" DVD boxset thrown by one of the angry nursing home residents.

Foote after being hit in the face with the "Murder She Wrote" DVD boxset thrown by one of the angry nursing home residents.

Developing…

August 25, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Egan Foote’s Wagon Spotted Outside White House

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August 10, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Breaking: Egan Foote Negotiates the Release of Journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee from North Korean Prison

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Egan Foote with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il

Developing…

Update: According to sources, Foote secured the journalists’ release by trading his brother, Eggbert Foote.

Update II: Correcting a previous report, Egan Foote did not exchange his brother Eggbert Foote for the release of Laura Ling and Euna Lee.  In fact, he traded brother Daniel Foote.

August 5, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Developing: Egan Foote Stops Man From Stealing Mona Lisa from Louvre Museum

Hot Foote reader “johnnybiolts” sent in the below picture showing Egan Foote breaking the arm of an alleged art thief who was attempting to steal Leonardo Da Vinci’s famous painting The Mona Lisa.

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Update: Sources are reporting that the supposed art thief was in fact a museum curator.  Mr. Foote has been taken into custody by French police and charged with assault.

Developing…

July 23, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Egan Foote Impresses Senators on First Day of Supreme Court Confirmation Hearings

004acs_lin_shaye_001Washington, D.C. — Six weeks after being nominated by President Barack Obama to fill the vacancy left by retiring Supreme Court Justice David Souter, Egan Foote appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee for his first day of confirmation hearings.  Foote was an unexpected choice when President Obama first named him as his nominee, bringing to the table limited legal experience, a lengthy criminal record, and a complete lack of knowledge as to what the Supreme Court is.  When first asked about the Court, Foote replied “I… uh… plead the Fifth on that one.  That’s a real thing, right, pleading the fifth? I think I heard it said on the set of The Nine once.”

After a rough start to the hearing – Foote took a short nap during Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy’s opening remarks; suffered a large rip in his pants causing him to shout “my pantaloons!”; accidentally started a small fire in the Senate chambers; and took a cell phone call from close friend Scott “Scotty” Wolf – Foote patiently sat through the Committee members’ opening statements before moving on to questions.  While most Senators were skeptical of Foote from the moment he was named as Barack Obama’s Supreme Court choice, legal experts believe Foote made significant progress in winning over many of the Senators who questioned his nomination.  Republican Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa Twittered “Luv the Foote.  Cn I vot yes rit now?”  And when asked about his thoughts on Foote’s qualifications, Republican Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama replied “well he’s white, so that’s a start.”

Some other highlights from the hearing:

  • When questioned by South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, Foote repeatedly replied to one of the Committee’s only two female members, Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar, apparently confused by Graham’s first name and, according to Foote, “lady voice.”
  • When asked about his thoughts on a specific aspect of the penal code, Foote became irate and demanded that he and Wisconsin Senator Russ Feingold “take this outside.”
  • When pressed on his position on Roe v. Wade, Foote indicated his intention of performing a “150th trimester abortion” on his brother Eggbert.
  • Foote listed his legal influences as being Judge Judy, Judge Reinhold, American Idol finalist Clay Aiken, and Supreme Court Justice Benjamin Cardozo.
  • When asked about any possible biases Foote might bring to the court, Foote immediately answered, “bank robbers, I fucking hate bank robbers.”

Most analysts expect Foote to be confirmed to the United States Supreme Court by a wide margin.

Developing…

July 15, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Egan Foote Demands Recount in Iranian Election

Claiming that the recent Iranian election had been rigged in favor of incumbent President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad, Egan Foote and his supporters took the streets of Tehran to protest the recent election results.  Carrying toy (and, in some cases, real) feet, the Foote supporters marched through Tehran in support of their preferred candidate, Egan Foote.

Foote marching with supporters.

Foote marching with supporters.

While information has been difficult to come by due to the government’s crackdown on all forms of media, Foote supporters, and Mr. Foote himself, have been creative in finding ways to disseminate their message.  In addition to carrier pigeon and sky-writing, Foote supporters have taken to Twitter.  Below is a sampling of Twitter messages obtained by Hot Foote:

– “Mr. Foote was rightful winner of election.  Damn, 140 characters already? This suc”

– “I switched my vote from Ahmadenijaad to Foote after endorsement from Eggbert”

– “It is time we take to the streets.  Would you rather be ruled by an iron fist or a soft Foote?”

Foote became an Iranian citizen in 2008 after accidentally wandering into the home of Ayatollah Khomeini, a huge fan of ABC’s The Nine.

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Developing…

June 29, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Happy Birthday to Egan Foote!

Apologies from the editors at Hot Foote for being a day late with this one but our dear friend EGAN FOOTE celebrated his 49th birthday yesterday.

Our contacts reported a low-key affair with only two fellow stars of the hit ABC show The Nine present (Tim Daly & Chi McBride – no comment from Franny Rios’ PR person).

Our contact was able to snap a photo of the cake that Tim & Chi prepared for Egan:

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY EGAN!

May 21, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Egan Foote Joins Somali Pirates

According to his agent, insurance processor Egan Foote has had enough with the insurance industry and has decided to become a Somali pirate.

Hot Foote’s Mogadishu office sent along the following pictures…

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Developing…

May 15, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Breaking: Kiefer Sutherland Headbutts Egan Foote

Egan Foote moments after a headbutt from Kiefer Sutherland.

Egan Foote moments after a headbutt from Kiefer Sutherland.

New York, New York — Multiple sources are reporting that actor Kiefer Sutherland landed a vicious headbutt on insurance processor Egan Foote at a party at the Mercer Hotel following the Met Costume Institute Gala.  According to witnesses at the scene, Foote approached Mr. Sutherland and began to thank him for “keeping this country safe from evildoers.”  After informing Mr. Foote several times that he was not, in fact, counterterrorism agent Jack Bauer from the fictional television program 24, Sutherland asked Mr. Foote to leave him alone, shouting: “There isn’t any time!! You are going to have to trust me!!”  When Egan persisted, repeatedly referring to himself as Michael Latham, Sutherland headbutted Foote.

A Hot Foote tipster sent in this picture, taken moments after the incident.

Developing…

May 8, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Exclusive: Egan Foote Living in Panic Room for Over Two Weeks

Many Hot Foote readers have written in to complain about the recent lack of updates to the site, each expressing their need for news about insurance processor Egan Foote.  Things have been admittedly slow around Hot Foote headquarters as we dig for news on Mr. Foote.  But an explanation for the complete dearth of Foote-related news may have stumbled into our offices early this morning.  Loyal Hot Foote reader “lorrainesaracen,” a frequent tipster and commenter on the site, submitted the following picture of Egan Foote entering the panic room he constructed under his Lansing, Michigan home.  Foote constructed the panic room back in 1999 in anticipation of Y2K.  There has been no word what caused Mr. Foote to enter the panic room and remain their for over two weeks, but we will continue to update this story as more information becomes available.

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Developing…

April 10, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

BREAKING NEWS: ‘The Nine’ is Coming Back to TV!!

moton184After having been teased time and time again since being canceled in early 2007, ABC’s ‘The Nine,’ starring insurance processor Egan Foote, is returning to television.

According to the press release from DirectTV:

The Nine will premiere on Wednesday, May 27 (10 p.m. ET/PT), a week after the season finale of Smith. The Nine is the compelling drama series that delves into the lives of nine people who forge a common bond when they live through a 52-hour hostage standoff during a bank robbery. The series will return with 13 episodes, including four that were never broadcast. Created by brother and sister Hank Steinberg (Without a Trace) & K.J. Steinberg (Gossip Girl), The Nine stars Lourdes Benedicto, John Billingsley, Jessica Collins, Emmy(R) nominee Tim Daly, Dana Davis, Camille Guaty, Chi McBride, Kim Raver, Scott Wolf and Owain Yeoman. Hank Steinberg and Alex Graves are executive producers of the series, from Sunset Road Productions in association with Warner Bros. Television.

Many thought that this day would never come.  ABC did briefly bring back ‘The Nine’ in 1998, only to quickly cancel it once again.  After Egan Foote accidentally revealed the conclusion of the program on a Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania radio station in 1997, and once again in 2008, ABC executives felt that bringing ‘The Nine’ back to television was no longer an option.  Nonetheless, trying to bank off the devotion of the show’s core audience, and a breakout star named Egan Foote, ABC executives toyed with the idea of broadcasting a spin-off Egan Foote cartoon.  However, Foote’s legal troubles, and his propensity to put his Foote in his mouth, ultimately killed any possibility of the cartoon.

Developing…

March 27, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Foote Brothers Mourn the Death of Father Horton Foote

The Foote Family. From left, Eggbert, Daniel, Mother Foote, Egan, and Horton

The Foote Family. From left, Eggbert, Daniel, Mother Foote, Egan, and Horton

Sad news to report.  The father of Egan, Eggbert and Daniel Foote (better known as the “Foote Brothers”), Horton Foote,  has died at the age of 92, in Hartford, Connecticut.  When contacted by Hot Foote for comment, an inconsolable Egan, the eldest of the Foote Brothers, seemed to blame brother Eggbert.  “It was…uh… that son of a bitch Eggbert! Not that I’m calling my mother a bitch!!…uh… (wipes sweat from forehead and tears from face)… Egan, out!!”

Developing…

Update: Hot Foote has exclusively obtained a copy of an interview with Eggbert Foote, conducted shortly after learning of his father Horton’s death.  A clearly distraught and confused Eggbert repeatedly mentions appearing on Star Trek, obviously effected by the recent death of his father.

March 10, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Egan Foote Consoles Lousiana Governor and Childhood Friend Bobby Jindal After Disastrous Rebuttal Speech

Louisiana Governor and 2012 Presidential hopefuly Bobby Jindal delivered the Republicans’ rebuttal speech following Barack Obama’s pseudo-State of the Union address last night.  Fortunately for Mr. Jindal, his speech created a rare moment of bipartisanship in an otherwise perpetually gridlocked Washington; unfortunately for the governor and one-time exorcist, that rare moment of agreement was over how terrible Mr. Jindal’s speech actually was.

Distraught over his poor performance, Jindal sought solace from his oldest friend, insurance processor Egan Foote.

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Developing…


February 25, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Flashback: February 8, 1991 – Egan Foote Fooled by Nintendo Gameboy, Threatens Nintendo Customer Service Representative

Skip to about 1:45 in, or click here

February 9, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Developing: Egan Foote’s Brother, Eggbert Foote, Arrested for Illegal Animal Testing

Eggbert Foote, the estranged brother of insurance processor Egan Foote, and the former long-term resident of a Russian holding cell, was arrested on Super Bowl Sunday for conducting experiments on a number of household cats. The FBI was initially tipped off when a number of pet cats went missing in the small Rhode Island neighborhood where Foote owns a house. After a picture of Eggbert Foote that seemingly shows Foote conducting experiments on a housecat (see below) was received by the FBI from an anonymous source, the FBI investigated further and agents were quick to arrest the elder of the Foote brothers.

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Developing…

john-billingsley-2Update: Egan Foote was approached while exiting an adult video store in Sandusky, Ohio and asked about the allegations surrounding his big brother.  While initially refusing comment, Foote eventually said: “As Cat Fancy Magazine’s 2007 Cat Owner of the Year, I am obviously very troubled by the allegations against my brother.  Eggbert explicitly told me that he would only be experimenting on dogs, not cats!… uh… forget I… uh… said that (wipes sweat from forehead)… Egan, out!!”

February 2, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Egan Foote Releases Statement on Ergonomic Crisis

Hot Foote has exclusively received an advance copy of remarks Egan Foote is prepared to deliver at a press conference in front of the office supply company Staples’ Framingham, Massachusetts headquarters.

Egan Foote, examining the lumbar support offered by his office chair.

Egan Foote, examining the lumbar support offered by his office chair.

Mr. Foote’s remarks appear below:

Ummm, hello… uh… it is I, Egan Foote (wipes sweat from forehead).  I am here today to discuss a matter that has been on everyone’s minds the last few months.  That’s right: the ergonomic crisis.  For too…uh… long, we have had to suffer the consequences of poor lumbar support.  This is outrageous! (arms flapping).  For too… uh… long, we have sat in seats poorly equipped to accommodate the curvature of the human spine.  Well no longer!  I am an insurance processor and I spend all day sitting in a chair.  And let me tell you: I would sooner sit on the floor of a… uh… bank than sit in that chair one moment longer (and I have)!

That is why we are here today, in front of office supply retailer… ummm (looks at sign displayed behind him)… uh… Staples!  We are here to tell them that we are mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore (wipes sweat from forehead).  I know we are in the midst of an ergonomic crisis, but we cannot afford to bail out these chair manufacturers!  Who is with me?!?

Repeat after me: one, two, three, four – we want adequate back support… five, six, seven, eight – I wish I was invertebrate!!

Egan, out!

Developing…

January 30, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Exclusive: MORE Never Before Seen Egan Foote Motivational Posters

Hot Foote had previously exclusively reported on the discovery of a number of never before seen motivational posters starring insurance processor and bank robbery hostage victim Egan Foote.

Now, Hot Foote has uncovered some additional motivational posters, unearthed from the vault where they were being stored.

These posters appear below…

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January 30, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Flashback: Egan Blows Lizzie’s Secret

January 26, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Egan Foote Does the Charleston at Barack Obama’s Inaugural Ball

January 21, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Exclusive: In Final Act as President, George W. Bush Pardons Egan Foote in Small Early Morning White House Ceremony

georgetenetmedalSources close to Hot Foote have exclusively learned that outgoing President George W. Bush, in his final Presidential act, pardoned Egan Foote during a small White House Ceremony early Tuesday morning. During the private ceremony, Bush read some prepared remarks and presented Foote with a “pardon medal” (pictured right), something Mr. Bush had constructed the night before while waiting for the White House chef to make him a bowl of Lucky Charms, but which has no legal or historical significance.

While calls to the United States Department of Justice Office of the Pardon Attorney were not returned, it is rumored that Bush gave Foote a blanket pardon, covering acts both known and unknown. Below is a list of Egan Foote’s offenses which are likely to fall under the President’s pardon:

Developing…

January 20, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Exclusive: Egan Foote’s Inauguration Speech Leaked

billingsley3Hot Foote has obtained a copy of Egan Foote’s speech, scheduled to be given at the Inauguration of President Elect Barack Obama.  Obama invited Foote to give remarks at the historic event as a gesture of appreciation for Foote’s counsel throughout the campaign, his early endorsement of Obama, and his decision not to run for President, which many pundits believed would have drawn enough votes from Obama to hand the election to Senator John McCain.  But most importantly, Obama, according to one aide, simply appreciates Foote rhetorical gifts and thought his remarks would be a fitting kick-off to the inauguration festivities.

The speech, which appears below, was obtained through an anonymous Obama administration source (and regular Hot Foote reader).

“Uh… hello there (wipes sweat from forehead)… It is I, Egan Foote.  Now I know when you saw my face you may have been hoping for my brother Daniel, so I hope I don’t… uh… disappoint.  We are here to celebrate the inauguration of my friend, and secret crush, Rock Obamo.  Rock has inspired an entire generation of Americans with a beautifully run… uh… campaign, and three simple words: Yes We Can.

When the world told him he couldn’t, what did he… uh… say? Yes we can. When ABC executives told us that there was no way we could make them bring back canceled show The Nine, what did we say? Yes we can. And when the police showed up to my house with a warrant and started rummaging through my belongings, what did they say when I said “you can’t do this!”? Yes we can.

So today I congratulate Rock Obamo and welcome him as our 44th President.  Now bring on Rick Warren.  That guy is awesome!

It must be noted, however, that Egan Foote’s reputation for spontaneity means that we could be hearing an entirely different speech come Tuesday, January 20th, 2009.

Developing…

January 19, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Exclusive: Egan Foote Declares War on Canada After Canada Geese Attack US Airways Flight 1549

Earlier, Hot Foote exclusively reported that insurance processor Egan Foote was a passenger on US Airways Flight 1549, which was successfully “ditched” in the Hudson River by its pilot, Captain Chesley Sullenberger. The flight experienced trouble shortly after its takeoff from New York’s Laguardia airport and made an emergency landing in the Hudson River. While many New Yorkers who were present on September 11, 2001 had immediate thoughts that the plane was the target of a terrorist attack, the National Transportation Safety Board quickly confirmed that the plane was forced to make an emergency landing due to a freak accident, when a flock of Canada Geese flew into the plane.

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Foote signing copies of his new book.

However, one passenger is not convinced that the plane was simply the victim of an improbable accident. Egan Foote, who was seated in row 16 of the US Airway flight, believes that the plane was the target of an attack by the Canadian government. Specifically, Mr. Foote is claiming that the Canadian government, in an act of retribution against him, sent the geese on a kamikazi-style mission to finish the insurance processor once and for all.

“This all stems back to a feud I had with Bryan Adams back in 1991,” said Foote while promoting his new, and impossibly quickly written, book A Thousand Feete in the Air: The Unbelievable True Story of US Airways Flight 1549, pictured to the right during a book signing at a Barnes and Noble in Reno, Nevada.

According to Foote, the feud with Adams started when Foote claimed that Adams had stolen from him Adams’ hit song “Heaven.” After things got personal and Foote insulted Adams’ Canadian heritage, the Canadian government got involved and the two sides have hated each other ever since. However, Mr. Foote believed that the feud ended in 2002 when he and Adams teamed up to sue DJ Sammy over the remake of Heaven. The lawsuit was eventually dismissed when Foote decided that he actually loved DJ Sammy’s version.

“The cease fire is over,” said Foote. “For over five years I have been cordial and respectful to Mr. Adams and the Canadian government. But this attack against me has crossed the… uh… line (arms flapping)! It is time that I put my Foote down!”

Update: After the book signing, Mr. Foote held a large anti-Canadian rally. The following picture was submitted by long time Hot Foote reader “GC’s.”

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Update II: After forwarding this matter on to the Obama administration and being told that they would “look into it,” Foote has apparently decided to take matters into his own hands.  Foote, through appearances on local radio stations around the country, has been recruiting a small mercenary army to take on the Canadians.  Appearing on New London, Connecticut’s WMOS-FM morning show, Foote made the following appeal to potential soldiers:

DJ: So I understand that you are trying to put together your own army.  Have you thought of contacting the Kiss Army?!? Hey-oh! (Rings cowbell)… Which reminds me folks, we’ll have a Kiss ‘three-play’ of songs coming up at the top of the hour… ring-a-ling!

Foote: In fact I have.  However, Kiss was apparently on tour with Bryan Adams during the early 1980’s and has decided to remain neutral in this conflict.

DJ: So is that the “kiss of death” to your efforts? (toilet flushing sound plays twice)

Foote: Absolutely… uh… not (wipes sweat from forehead).  And that is why I am hear.  Any American listening right now, I have a… uh… message for you.  It is time we finally took on our neighbors to the north.  The Canada goose attack perpetrated on me and my fellow travelers was just the beginning!  They must be stopped NOW!

DJ: We’ll be right back after these commercial messages.

Update III: Apparently, Foote’s appeal to potential soldiers paid off.  A Hot Foote reader submitted the following photo of Foote and his rapidly growing army at Foote’s training facility in Springfield, Illinois.

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January 16, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

BREAKING NEWS: Egan Foote Survives US Airways 1549

animated-siren-gif-animated-siren-gif-animated-siren-gif-drudge-reportMajor Breaking News Alertanimated-siren-gif-animated-siren-gif-animated-siren-gif-drudge-report

We at Hot Foote are saying our prayers tonight – multiple reports out of New York City indicate that our own Egan Foote was one of the passengers on US Airways flight 1549, which was masterfully ditched in the Hudson River on Thursday January 15th. Mr. Foote, who was en route to Charlotte to defend his crown in the International Square Dancing competition, was seated in row 16, just above the wing. Loyal reader “maestro mism” who works in the New York Times building (as a janitor) was able to snap what we believe to be the only picture of Mr. Foote waiting for rescue.

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Reached for comment, Mr. Foote praised the pilot:

I uhhh… its me… the Foote. I am so lucky to be alive today, and I just can’t thank our pilot Wesley Autrey enough. He is a real hero! Kind of like that Peter Petrelli guy, only better. Egan, out!

Update: After being treated for hypothermia, Mr. Foote quickly jumped on a new flight down to Charlotte, where he made it just in time to defend his square dancing crown, as shown below.

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January 16, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Egan Foote Auditions for American Idol

Insurance processor and bank robbery victim Egan Foote appeared on last night’s episode of American Idol, auditioning for a coveted spot on the show before Idol judges Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson.

“It was a dream come true,” said a tearful Foote to Idol host Ryan Seacrest while wiping sweat from his forehead. “I really want to inspire people with my… uh… music.”

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Foote’s audition began well, with judge Simon Cowell expressing his disappointment in the cancellation of The Nine, followed by the two sharing a simultaneous “Hubba Hubba!” when the name Franny Rios was mentioned. Foote then broke into Rihanna’s “Umbrella,” the song that his brother Eggbert sang in his successful audition (Eggbert was ultimately kicked off the show after making inappropriate comments to fellow contestant Jordin Sparks).

Once Foote was done, he stood silently and waited to hear his fate. However, before the judges were able to give their thoughts on Foote’s performance, a woman busted into the audition room (video below), forcing producers to shut down auditions for the day. Foote was invited to return the following day, when he’s expected to perform Lou Bega’s “Mambo #5.”

Developing…

January 15, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Hot Foote Exclusive: Egan Foote Linked to Reverend Jeremiah Wright

Sources close to Hot Foote are reporting that President-elect Barack Obama’s pastor, the Reverend Jeremiah Wright, has been linked to insurance processor and hostage survivor Egan Foote.  As you may remember, Wright became embroiled in controversy after videos emerged during the 2008 Presidential campaign of many of his “fiery” sermons.

Mr. Foote regularly attended Mr. Wright’s sermons between 1997 and 2004 and was “very close” to Reverend Wright, according to a source who wishes to remain anonymous due to the sensitivity of the subject matter.

The picture below was taken in 2002 and shows Foote and Wright after one of the sermons in question.

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Developing…

Update: When asked about the allegations outside a Denny’s restaurant in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, Foote proclaimed “Naw, naw… uh… naw!  These allegations are bogus.  That could be anyone in that picture… maybe my brother Eggbert or Daniel!”

January 11, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

AP: Egan Crosses Border Into Gaza

Realizing his “horrible miscalculation” and mumbling something about Google Maps, he turns around and goes back.

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Update: Sources in Hot Foote’s Gaza City office are reporting that Mr. Foote became lost after accidentally using a map appearing on a kids place mat he inadvertently picked up at a Bangor, Maine Applebees, which appears below. According to Applebees employees present at the time, the place mat was used as a bib by Mr. Foote, who apparently forgot to remove it before leaving the restaurant.

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January 9, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Breaking: Defiant Blagojevich Names Egan Foote as United States Senator

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The Associated Press is reporting that Egan Foote has been named as Barack Obama’s replacement to the United States Senate. Embattled Illinois Govornor Rod Blagojevich appeared with Mr. Foote at an impromtu press conference to make the surprise announcement following a 3-hour lunch with Mr. Foote at a neighborhood Denny’s. After making the announcement, Gov. Blagojevich ducked behind a curtain and avoided answering any questions from the media, but Mr. Foote stuck around to issue the following statement:

Ahh… Hello… members of the media, citizens of Illinois, and fellow patrons of this fine Peoria dining establishment. I am ahhhhh… Egan… FOOTE (HONK HONK!!!!! LIGHTS FLASHING ALL OVER THE RESTAURANT) and I am proud to be your next United States Spendator. Get it? That’s a joke because the Government is good for nothing but spendidng your money! (car alarm sound). Ahh. I am just kidding of course, good ole Eegs had to get the nerves out with a little humor! I am excited to serve the people, certainly more excited than Mohammed, who didn’t serve me my Western Burger sans the pickles like I had asked him to. Nevertheless, I cannot wait to start. And I have a message for you fellow Demo Hats. If any of you Ruffians (especially you, Hairy Bead) try to bar me, you will pay for this. I will knock your [EXPLETIVE] teeth out. Ya heard? SENATOR EGAN, OUT.

Developing…


January 9, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Flashback: September 3, 2005 – Egan Foote Declares “George Bush Doesn’t Care About Black People” During Hurricane Katrina Telethon

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January 9, 2009 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Happy New Year From Hot Foote!

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December 29, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Developing: Egan Foote Holds Theatergoers Hostage Using Suitcase Bomb

A Hot Foote reader just submitted the following camera-phone video of insurance processor Egan Foote entering a local Lexington, Kentucky community theater and holding the theatergoers hostage using what appears to be a suitcase bomb.

Update: Local police have confirmed that the hostage-taker is in fact a Foote brother. But is it Egan, Eggbert or Daniel?

Update II: According to sources, the hostage-taker is not demanding money, but rather the reinstatement of canceled television show The Nine.

Update III: Our long national nightmare is over.  After a several day standoff, police raided the theater and were able to take out Egan Foote.  A Hot Foote reader submitted this picture of Foote being treated for a gunshot wound by the doctors from Grey’s Anatomy.

ladies-john-billingsley

December 29, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Deep Thought: Did Egan Foote’s Role in Last Year’s Writers’ Strike Doom ‘The Nine’?

Let us know your thoughts in the comments…

December 29, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Exclusive: A Third Foote Brother?

Hot Foote has previously reported on Egan Foote’s estranged younger brother, Eggbert Foote (pictured, right), who was recently released from a Russian holding cell after years in captivity.  The two brothers, once mortal enemies whose feud has been chronicled on this site, apparently reconciled, spending a long awaited New Years Eve with one another.  In3billingsleyx fact, despite a mutual hatred for one another that spanned decades, a spokesman for the insurance salesman tells Hot Foote that the two are now the best of friends.  According to Egan himself, “try walking with… uh… just one Foote!  It is very difficult!  Now we have a set of Feete and we can walk wherever we want.  That said, I don’t walk much anymore, ever since I recently discovered roller blades.  Egan (and Eggbert), out!”

But now Egan and Eggbert may need to learn how to walk with three Feete instead of two.  After a year long investigation, Hot Foote has found a third Foote brother, Daniel Foote.  According to government records obtained by Hot Foote under the Freedom of Information Act, Daniel Edgar Foote is the youngest of the three Foote brothers, born only five years before Eggbert was imprisoned in a Russian holding cell.  When asked for comment, a confused Mother Foote denied that she birthed a third Foote, proclaiming “What kind of FAHKING name is Daniel?!?”

Egan claimed that he had no recollection of a third brother, but admits “I’ve done a lot of drugs.  I don’t… uh… remember so good.”

And when approached for comment, Eggbert Foote assured us he would get back to us once he finished going through tapes of all the WNBA playoff games he missed while imprisoned without access to a television.  “Go Houston Comets!  Eggbert, out!”

John Foote?

Daniel Foote?

Despite years of anonymity, the alleged third Foote brother has recently popped up in a number of different places.  The picture to the left was submitted by a member of our faithful citizen paparazzi, a Hot Foote reader aptly named “FooteFetish.”  The reader submitted what they thought was a picture of Egan Foote performing stand up at an open amateur night show at New York City’s Caroline’s Comedy Club.  However, Hot Foote’s research analyst confirmed that, at the time, Egan Foote was doing a live interview with Little Rock, Arkansas’ KPZK-FM radio.  Furthermore, according to Hot Foote’s resident Eggbert Foote expert, who heads up the Eggbert division of Hot Foote, “this is clearly not Eggbert Foote, as this man is clearly missing Eggbert’s distinctive facial scars.  The man in the picture is also wearing glasses… as everyone knows, Eggbert Foote has perfect 20/20 vision.”

In addition to dipping his Foote into stand up comedy, Mr. Foote also recently appeared on an episode of ABC’s Eli Stone, playing himself (picture below).

John Foote, on an episode of Eli Stone

Daniel Foote, on an episode of Eli Stone

Developing…

December 26, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

FBI Seeking Information on Whereabouts of Egan Foote

New York, NY — The Federal Bureau of Investigations is currently seeking information on the whereabouts of insurance processor Egan Foote. And unlike the last time, when Foote was questioned regarding being one of nine hostages during a Los Angeles bank robbery, it appears that Egan may now be on the other side of the law. According to an FBI spokesman, Foote is accused of savagely beating former Secretary of Agriculture, and newly elected US Senator, Michael Johanns. As Hot Foote has previously reported, there is no love lost between Johanns and Foote, with Foote going on a profanity-laced tirade against Johanns on Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania’s WMGS radio.

While it appears that Foote otherwise covered all of his bases, leaving no other evidence behind as he left Johann’s bloodied half-conscious body in a pile of leaves at the Bronx’s Indian Pond, he apparently forgot to check Johann’s phone. Foote became the FBI’s prime suspect when a photo of Foote (which appears below) was pulled from Johann’s iPhone, which inadvertently took a picture of Johann’s attacker after a kick to the kidney set off the phone’s picture-taking function. If Foote was indeed behind the attack, his failure to check Johann’s iPhone was a careless oversight considering the iPhone was involved in a similar attack in which Egan was the victim.

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We will continue to update this story as more information becomes available…

November 7, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Egan Visits Foote Doctor

Foote with WDRQ-FM's DJ Randy Andy

Foote with WDRQ-FM's DJ Randy Andy

After a long media blackout, insurance processor Egan Foote broke his silence on Detroit’s WDRQ-FM morning show this morning. Foote either really missed the limelight, missed chatting with morning zoo hosts, or thought the world truly needed to know about a recent trip to the podiatrist. Whatever the reason, we here at Hot Foote are glad he’s back. Below is a transcript of Egan’s appearance this morning.

DJ Cooky Pooky: [rings cowbell] ring-a-ling-a-ling! Who is that I see walking into the studio?

DJ Randy Andy: Is that Egan Foote?

Egan Foote: Indeed it is my sound effect-playing friends. ‘Tis I, the Foote.

DJ Randy Andy: [plays cookoo clock sound] I can’t believe it. I thought you were done with radio. We’ve got an exclusive here on the morning zoo, folks! [siren sound plays]

Egan Foote: Well, I was in Detroit. Figured I’d stop by.

DJ Cooky Pooky: And what exactly is it that brought you to Detroit, Foote?

Egan Foote: Well… uh… {wipes sweat from forehead}… it’s a bit of a wild story. I had been suffering some abdominal pain – note to listeners: do not eat at Chipotle if a guy named Carlos is cooking! – anyway, after a few days, I finally decided to get it checked out. I stopped by my buddy Scotty Wolf’s house, but he informed me that he was not a doctor; he simply played one on our TV series, The Nine. While Chi McBride had told me on several occasions that he had, over his life, performed numerous “blumpkins,” I was skeptical of his medical credentials. So I decided to check out the list of in-network doctors my insurance provided… and what do I see? A foot doctor! I couldn’t believe it, a doctor was centered on me, Egan Foote!! I quickly jumped on the first Fung Wah bus to Detroit I could find and saw the doctor immediately.

DJ Randy Andy: I think I know where this is going! [car crash sound]

Egan Foote: I told the guy my problem, but he keeps checking out my feet. Now listen, I’m as open minded as anyone… I’m even in love with a Latina woman, Franny Rios…

DJ Cooky Pooky: Interracial dating! Hey oh! [plays Gloria Estefan’s “Rythm is gonna get you”]

Egan Foote: But after a while, I realized this doctor was for actual feet, not the Foote family!

DJ Randy Andy: So who is gonna FOOTE the bill!

[several minutes of DJ Randy Andy and DJ Cooky Pooky laughing]

DJ Cooky Pooky: We have to take a commercial break. We want to thank Egan Foote for stopping in.

Egan Foote: Egan, out!

October 15, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Exclusive: Egan Foote Plays Foote-sie All Over Town

Despite our vast resources, we here at Hot Foote have struggled as of late to keep up with the always enigmatic insurance processor and bank robbery victim, Egan Foote. While some inside Hot Foote headquarters believe that Foote has simply gotten too clever for us (and our faithful citizen paparazzi), others have posited that he has been preoccupied with other things. It turns out the latter is correct.

A months-long investigation has revealed that Egan has been playing Foote-sie all over town, often discovered with a new woman around his arm each night. In conjunction with the loyal readers of the site (our citizen paparazzi), below is some of the photographic evidence of Foote’s recent exploits:

An early Foote conquest.

An early Foote conquest.

Apparently, few can resist the Egan charm.

Apparently, few can resist the Egan charm.

According to our sources, Mr. Foote was heard repeatedly muttering something about a "Threegan"

According to our sources, Mr. Foote was heard repeatedly muttering something about a "Threegan"

Foote was spotted with this woman after failing to impress the star of the movie "Hairspray"

Foote was spotted with this woman after failing to impress the star of the movie "Hairspray"

The young lady in red was impressed after Egan's discussion of an unconventional use fo that microphone

The young lady in red was impressed after Egan discussed an unconventional use for that microphone

Egan Foote's Best Friend

Alcohol: Egan Foote's Best Friend

We don't judge.

We don't judge.

Developing…

September 26, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Pink(y) Slip: Foote’s Clumsy Feet Step on Toes… Unplug key wire… Sends stock market crashing… Will he or taxpayers be ‘egan’ the bill? Who will foote it?

Breaking…

Egan screws it up again

Egan screws it up again

September 16, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Text: Egan Addresses The DNC

Not widely reported by the mainstream media, Nebraska delegate Egan Foote addressed a nearly empty Pepsi Center at 4:03am local time Wednesday night / Thursday morning.    The following is the text from his speech:

Hello, eerrr… Egan here!  The FOOTE!

(Egan pauses, but only the sound made by the janitor collapsing folding chairs can be heard)

I am honored to be here tonight.   I want to thank all of the people who helped plan this wonderful Democratic Conviction.   And as I used to say in my short-lived stint as a trial lawyer, if the foote don’t fit, you must acquit! (prolonged cowbell sound).

Anyone (arms flapping), now, now, lets just  settle down, serious matters to discuss!  I am a proud American, and a proud Semi-cat!  Let’s take back our county!    Huzzah!

Now I know many of you are still bitter from a drawn out primary election, and to those of you who still stand by me – the FEET, as you are dubbed by Candy Crowley – who is a pig, I might add -I say to you… Take off your socks.   TAKE.  OFF.  YOUR.  SOCKS.   To keep the analogy, we’re done airing our dirty laundry.   It’s time we elected a real leader.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and pinky toes….we cannot afford 4 more years of a Reek Public Cat.  It’s time to elect one who has never walked under a ladder… Mr. Rock Obamo!  EGAN OUT.

(Tina Turner’s Simply the Best starts to play on a boombox sitting next to Egan)

Egan with his running mate, Magic

Egan with his running mate,Catty Rios

August 28, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Hot Foote Returns After Lengthy Legal Battle!

After a protracted legal battle with insurance processor Egan Foote, your top source for Egan Foote news, Hot Foote, is back and better than ever. Back in April, Mr. Foote was able to enjoin Hot Foote from publishing any stories about the always litigious bank robbery victim. Claiming misuse of his name and likeness has substantially affected his ability to get work, Foote, with the help of now judge Chi McBride, succeeded in shutting down the site.

But thanks to help from Hot Foote readers, who, through their own initiative, started the Hot Foote Legal Defense Fund, we are back.

L’Chaim, L’Foote!

June 17, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Breaking: Egan Foote to Leave Archdiocese Soon, Focus on Insurance Processing

In a bombshell first disclosed by the New York Times, it is being reported that Egan Foote will be abandoning his position within the Archdiocese to focus full-time on insurance processing and “other projects.”

“It’s just time to move on,” said a misty-eyed Foote outside of Yankee stadium, where pope Benedict XVI lead mass on Saturday. “It’s a difficult deci-… ooooh, is that Melky Cabrera? I love him!” Mr. Foote then proceeded to run after the Yankees centerfielder, who was noticeably afraid of the white hooded man running towards him. “No mas! No mas!” said an out of breath Cabrera. “I jusss won play basebowl.”

Foote then jumped on a popemobile conveniently passing by, announcing “Egan, out!”

Developing…

April 21, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Legal Foote-Notes: An Egan Legal Roundup – Part III

200px-johnbillingsley.jpgHere he goes again. Egan Foote, the enigmatic insurance processor, hostage victim, and serial litigator, has been keeping his lawyers busy as of late, commencing a number of lawsuits, documented in our ongoing series “Legal Foote-Notes.” And now we get word that we should add two more to the list.

Mr. Foote has filed a lawsuit against the producers of the 2007 movie The Nines, starring Ryan Reynolds. According to Foote, “this is an outrage! They simply took our show, The Nine, and added the letter ‘S’ to the end. That’s like a cheap Scrabble move and it cannot stand! (arms flapping). I expect more out of these Hollywood studios than to simply appropriate for their own benefit the blood, sweat andtheninesukposter.jpg tears of so many people, including Franny Rios (hubba hubba). Listen, I like The Nines star Ryan Reynolds as much as the next guy; in fact, I think his portrayal of Dan Wilder deserved an Oscar nomination. But that does not give them the right to steal!”

But Mr. Foote’s outrage did not end there, as he took his fight to Muncie, Indiana’s WMDH-FM morning show. An excerpt from that appearance appears below:

Foote: … and that is how Hillary Clinton will persuade these superdeliguys to make her the nominee for precedent.

DJ Cool Carl: Interesting stuff, Foote, but I believe she’s running for President. But fascinating stuff, nonetheless… I’m guessing you’ll be receiving a call from the Clinton campaign before you know it to discuss your strategy, because right now her chances are about as long as the cigar Bill put in Monica Lewinsky! Hey-oh! (cowbell sound rings twice)

Foote: Pardon me, Cool Carol? I’m not sure I’m aware of that story…

DJ Kooky Keith: It’s Cool Carl. Anyway, it’s a topic for another time, my friend. Now I hear you are suing some Hollywood studios?

Foote: That’s right Cocky Ken, I am. These studios need to learn that they can’t just take for themselves the good will created by one of the most popular shows on TV. This will not stand!

DJ Cool Carl: First off, his name is Kooky Keith, not Cocky Ken. Second, if The Nine was so popular, why was it canceled?

Foote: I’m not at liberty to disclose that (wipes sweat from forehead).

DJ Cool Carl: Well, that’s about all the time we have. Our thanks to Egan Foote for joining us. Egan, we hope you come back soon.

Foote: Anytime, Cold Call…

DJ Cool Carl: That’s Cool Carl… we’ll be right back after a word from our… hey, Foote, stop playing with that, that’s very delicate equipment and you can’t… (dead air)

8033108.jpgIn related news, Foote has also filed a lawsuit against 8, a collection of shorts starring eight famous film directors. “Um, I just came to do some research for my lawsuit,” said a defensive Foote when approached leaving a showing of 8 at Cross County Multiplex Cinemas in Yonkers, NY. “Of course I’d never pay these thieves to see their movie for pleasure. This was all business. Egan, out!” Mr. Foote then disappeared, later being spotted at Raceway diner, where he had to skip out on the bill in order to avoid our faithful Citizen Paparazzi.

Notwithstanding, due to the nature of this suit, Egan’s attorney’s (his so-called “Foote Soldiers”) are awaiting to see what happens in Foote’s previously filed lawsuit against the movie The Ten.  “One number off?!?!?” said Foote, repeating his earlier objections to The Ten.  He continued, “Legal Team, ho!!!” at which time his Foote Soldiers lined up and followed Mr. Foote into a Dodge Caravan.

Developing…

April 1, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Breaking: Egan Foot Interrupts Bear Stearns Conference Call

817703180_61cfdfbdd9.jpgAccording to sources participating in Friday’s conference call held by brokerage Bear Stearns, Egan Foote somehow got through and went on a rant about farm subsidies before Bear Stearns employees were eventually able to cut him off. Bear Stearns CEO Alan Schwartz was in the middle of discussing the firm’s liquidity problems when participants began hearing heavy breathing and several taps on one of the participating phones’ mouthpiece. When the noises stopped, Mr. Schwartz continued the call, only to be interrupted again minutes later by a nervous sounding man proclaiming “Hello… uh… Egan here. Over.” Egan then immediately began passionately voicing his opinions on farm subsidies.

Foote himself was interrupted a few moments later when an older woman proclaiming herself Mother Foote got on the line and told Egan she “needed the phone to call Eggbert.”

Egan was eventually cut off mid-sentence when Bear Stearns IT personnel were able to knock him off of the line. Bear Stearns shares witnessed a brief spike during the period in which Foote made his comments, followed by a heavy drop shortly after.

Developing…

March 14, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Exclusive: Egan Foote Issues Statement on 2008 Presidential Campaign

139650912_ef1b51ff5f.jpgHello… uh… Egan here (arms flapping). My friends here at Hot Foote recently asked if I would offer some thoughts on the current Presidential campaign. While I… uh… did once consider a run for President myself, the truth is that good ol’ Egan is not much of a political buff. In fact, my newspaper reading is generally limited to the funnies. That Marmaduke is hilarious! Who knew a Great Dane could display so many human characteristics!

But I digress. There’s plenty of time to talk about hilarious house pets. For now I am tasked with offering my perspective on the current campaign for the… uh… White House (wipes sweat from forehead). There are serious issues facing this country, issues that even Marmaduke couldn’t solve! Who will be the strongest in our war against therapists? Who is going to ensure that Americans have universal health pears? Who will best know how to handle the bludgeon deficit? Who will reduce our dependence on foreign moyls? Who will best handle the wars in Iran and Uzbekistan? Who will nominate the best judges to the Marine Court?

So, without further adieu, here are my thoughts on the current candidates:

Jonathan McClane

john_mccain.jpg2003-oot-chae-16.gifForgive my question, I’m a political novice, but isn’t John McClane EXACTLY the type of President we want right now? I don’t care if he’s in his 60’s, or even his 80’s! The way that he disposed of Hans Gruber and protected the Nakatomi Plaza should speak volumes about his commitment to service AND the country (and to Holly). Yippee Kay-Yaa, Mr. Obamo!

Also, I heard somewhere that the Splurge is working… I think that’s a good thing. McClane seems to think he’s responsible for that, so I guess I’ll believe. I mean, if you’re running for President you are probably honorable enough at least not to lie, right?

That said, my buddy Chi McBride just told me that Mr. McClane lived in Vietnam for 5 years or so, something that makes me question his allegiance to our great nation. If you love Vietnam so much, McClane, why don’t you run for president THERE?!!? U-S-A! U-S-A!

Your move, McClane…

Hillury Clinten

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To be quite honest, I am a bit… uh… confused. I’m told that Clinton already served as President for two turns during the 1990’s. Turning to my trusty pocket Constitution, I am pretty sure that that disqualifies her to be President again. How could no one have noticed this?!?! Someone call the Federal Election Commission! This is outrageous!

Notwithstanding the constitutional issues, I do believe this Clinton fellow would make a fine President. Despite being ready to lead on Day one (I hope so, you’ve already been President twice!), he is vetted and tested and has lot of experience, apparently. Works for me.

But Clinton needs to stay focused on politics and spend a little less time worrying about sandwiches. I’ve had sandwiches from all over this country and I can tell you that sandwiches are good whether they are made by Super-deliguys or just plain old deli guys. Now, now, listen up (arms flapping). This business just gets more Sillary by the minute (car honking sound)! We simply cannot have these Super-deliguys deciding whether we’re going to be eating chicken (clinten), swiss cheese (edwords), or liverwurst (obamo), not to mention making the choice for me, the orderer, as to whether i’d prefer white or dark meat (phone ringing sound). This election was already decided in a smoked-filled room. If Room is a synonym for labia! Egan, out. Obamo, IN.

Rock Obamo

obama-surf.jpg img27.jpg Mr. Obamo certainly seems like a nice fellow. And if he’s looking for change, I have a bowl in my foyer filled with it. Hey-oh! Just kidding, I’m going to take that to Coinstar some day.

I did once play him in a game of checkers in Chicago’s South Side during the late 1980’s. Let’s just say that if his checkers playing is any indication of how he will go after the therapists that attacked us at 7/11, then we’re in great shape.

However, his name is pretty funny. So you can see how torn I am on this one.

So who does Egan endorse? Gobama!

February 20, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Breaking: ABC to Bring Back ‘The Nine’?

320x240.jpgSince its debut in November 2006, the ABC prime time drama ‘The Nine’ has taken its fans on a roller coaster ride of excitement and disappointment. After the drama’s initial premature cancellation, Hot Foote exclusively reported on Egan Foote revealing the conclusion of the program’s story arc on a Wilkes-Barre morning radio program. Fans were also teased with the possibility of an Egan Foote cartoon spun off from ‘The Nine.’ And while there were many indications that the cartoon would in fact go forward, fans were ultimately left empty-handed. However, that disappointment did not last long as a multi-pronged campaign to bring back ‘The Nine’ succeeded when ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson announced that the show would be returning. But the return was short-lived and ABC quickly canceled the program once again, placing ‘The Nine’ in the exclusive club of prime time programs that have been canceled on multiple occasions. Since the series’ cancellation there have been numerous teases about its return, but nothing has yet come to fruition. ABC eventually put the remaining episodes of the show on its website, crushing the fleeting hopes of the show’s loyal fans.

In the end, fans of ‘The Nine’ became resolved to the fact that the show would never return and that their unanswered questions would remain just that: unanswered. Until now. Many of the show’s faithful are pointing to a recent article on E! News Online that provides subtle hints to the possibility of the show’s return:

abcnine.jpg

“It’s coming back!” said one anonymous e-mail to Hot Foote headquarters this morning. “I didn’t read the article, but the headline says it all!”

Another Hot Foote reader, known only by the alias “bahster,” had similar hopes that the show would soon be back. “When does production start?”

However, such optimism lies not only with the article’s title. Many readers who have chimed in have theorized that the first line of the second paragraph also signals the return of the show, with one arguing that the line was supposed to read “The Alphabet announced Monday that nine fanS WOULD BE EXCITED AT THE NEWS OF THE SHOW’S RETURN!”

But ABC executives were quick to destroy all such hope. According to ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson, the network would only bring back the show “if we were able to reunite the original cast,” something that is quite unlikely. “Camille Guaty will NOT work with Mr. Foote,” said ‘The Nine’ star Chi McBride. “Something about him creeping her out and always saying ‘hubba hubba’ or something. Look, I love the show as much as the next guy, but I just can’t see it happening. Chi, out! Damn, now he’s got me saying it.”

Others were more optimistic, including our favorite insurance processor, Egan Foote. Foote spoke with the KSZR-FM morning show in Tucson, Arizona to air some of his thoughts:

Foote: … and that’s why I think Gordon Bombay was a better hockey coach than the guy the Mighty Ducks got in the third movie.

DJ Crazy Chris: Interesting stuff Egan. Looks like we’re going to have to agree to disagree.

DJ Wacky Wayne: Moving on, we’re getting e-mails left and right that ‘The Nine’ is coming back to ABC. Any credence to these rumors?

Foote: I’ve heard some rumblings, but nothing concrete. We’ll… uh… just have to wait and see (wipes sweat from forehead).

DJ Crazy Chris: And where do you stand? Would you do it if they asked you back?

Foote: Of course, DJ Cranky Ken! The opportunity to see my old friends would be amazing! Chi, Scotty Wolf, Kim Raver, that other guy, and Franny Rios (hubba hubba)! Plus, I left a Newsweek magazine in the desk in my dressing room, but ABC security won’t let me back into the old studio!

DJ Wacky Wayne: Thanks Egan. Your visit was insightful as always…

Foote: Thank you, DJ Jackie Jane – you’ve got yourself an excellent radio program here. Egan, out!

DJ Wacky Wayne: It’s Wacky Wayne… we’ll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

Developing…

February 15, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Exclusive: Egan Foote Saves New York’s ‘Polskie Radio’

Unless alcohol consumption, lawsuits and foot-related puns evidence special powers, Egan Foote is no super hero. But thatimg28.jpg doesn’t mean that the listeners of New York’s “Polski Radio” don’t consider him one anyway:

New York’s “Polskie Radio” won’t be forced to go English. Despite a license renewal objection, “Polskie Radio New York” WRKL (910) doesn’t have to worry about adding English-language programming. Listener Robert Schore tried to kick the suburban station off the air, filing an objection with the FCC arguing “few listeners” in the area speak Polish. Schore argued WRKL should become an English station “devoted to the concerns of citizens in its primary coverage area.” Schore also alleges WRKL’s programming doesn’t discuss current issues or air emergency weather conditions. But his arguments weren’t enough for the FCC to deny the Polish station its license renewal. The Commission ruled WRKL “has served the public interest, convenience, and necessity” and didn’t violate any rules. The FCC also notes foreign-language stations must comply with the Emergency Alert System — but can do so in the primary language of their broadcast.

According to sources, Mr. Foote picketed the Federal Communications Commission day and night for several weeks, imploring the commissioners to leave Polskie Radio as is. Foote (pictured outside the office of FCC Chairman Kevin Martin during his campaign) became famous for his creative use of the bullhorn, often chanting “Hell no, 9-1-0” and “What do we want?” “Polski Radio!!” “When do we want it?” “At least as quickly as it took famous Pole scientist Janusz Grozkowski to discover a new method of high-vacuum measurements!”

Perhaps most amazing is that Foote’s plan worked. According to a source inside the FCC who wishes to remain anonymous discussing a sensitive matter tells Hot Foote that the FCC’s decision was “all Foote. Honestly, they didn’t really know which way to decide; they were actually thinking of flipping a coin. Until Egan came along. Chairman Martin was the first to speak up, proposing that perhaps if they just let Polskie Radio be then Mr. Foote would abandon his protest. The other members agreed and here we are.”

And where did Foote celebrate his recent achievement? On the Polskie Radio WRKL 910 morning zoo morning show, of course (translated below):

Jozef: Mr. Foote, we first want to thank you for your effort for Polskie Radio! (rings Eurasian Lynx bell).

Foote: You are quite welcome, Jozef. But thanks is not necessary. Did the nation of Poland ask thanks when they invented the screen door for submarines or the solar powered flashlight? I think not. Did Polish mathemetician Stanislaw Lojasiewicz ask thanks when he solved the problem of distribution division by analytical functions? No. And did Polish physicist Jan Kazimierz ask for thanks when he created the first spectrometer beta? Well, bad example, because he did and they threw him a big parade and stuff…

Jozef: Why Polskie radio?

Foote: Best programming on radio right now. Hands down. Hey, looks like your lights just went out…

Jozef: Oh man, another one! Wiktor, come help me screw in this light bulb. We’ll be back after a word from our sponsor, Nisskosher Polish Vodka…

Foote: Egan, out!

Developing…

February 11, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Legal Foote-Notes: An Egan Legal Roundup – Part II

image47.jpgBack in September, Hot Foote began a new feature we call “Legal Foote-Notes,” aimed at updating our readers on the numerous legal matters surrounding the always enigmatic Egan Foote. And while many may be wondering how one man, over a mere few months, could accumulate enough legal news to merit an entirely new recap outlining his legal happenings, those people clearly just do not know the always litigious Foote.

So, without further adieu, here is an update on what has been keeping Foote’s lawyers busy the past several months:

  • Mr. Foote has filed a lawsuit against the makers of the so-called “Geek Clock” (pictured below), a clock with the unique feature that every number is the number 9. “This is clearly an attempt to exploit my prime time drama The Nine and the good will it received from its loyal, albeit small, fan base. I am so disgusted that a company would act so unscrupulously that I am at a loss for words. Egan, out!” Mr. Foote is seeking unspecified damages.
geekclock.jpg
  • On similar claims of the improper use of the number 9, as it relates to the short-lived ABC drama, Mr. Foote is seeking an injunction against the continued production and promotion of the upcoming movie “The Ten.” “One number off?!?” said an angry Foote while appearing on Worcester, Massachusetts’ WWFX-FM morning radio show. “I’m not doing this for me; this is for the hoards of movie-goers who will line up to see the movie, only to learn that their $10 was spent not on a movie adaptation of ABC television program The Nine, but a crappy movie with Ron Silver. Look, I’m as big a fan of The O.C.’s Adam Brody as anyone, and Jessica Alba – that girl can act! But people poured blood and guts into The Nine, and I cannot sit back and watch greedy Hollywood studios steal my show’s good will for selfish gain.”
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  • logo_egan.gifFinally, claiming improper use of his name, for which he “has spent years building a reputation,” Egan Foote also filed suit against Egan-Managed Capital. Mr. Foote’s attorney released the following statement outside of the courthouse: “Mr. Foote is very disappointed that a company would choose to mislead its clients into thinking that Mr. Foote is the one managing their capital. Mr. Foote never has, and has no plans to, begin a career managing capital and believes that Egan-Managed Capital should immediately cease the use of his name. Egan’s lawyer, out!”

We will continue to update these stories as more information becomes available…

January 16, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Citizen Paparazzi: Egan Foote Spotted in Las Vegas

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Thanks to Hot Foote reader “sameernasdi”

January 9, 2008 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Breaking: Egan Foote Suits Up for Pittsburgh Steelers

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Developing…

December 31, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Exclusive: Egan Foote Rumored to Have Plans for Reunion With Eggbert Foote, Spend New Years Eve With Estranged Younger Brother

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Back in October, Hot Foote exclusively reported that Egan Foote’s long lost brother Eggbert Foote was released from the Russian holding cell where he’s spent the last twenty years. According to sources close to the Foote family, the two brothers had not seen one another since 1987, when younger brother Eggbert left the country to cash in on emerging diamond markets in the middle-east. However, besides vague reports of “an American named Foote” being seriously injured in a 1992 nuclear accident, little was known about the twenty years following Eggbert’s departure from the United States.

However, notwithstanding what may have transpired, it remains to be seen whether twenty years apart was enough to repair the rift between the two brothers. “Egan had an awful temper,” Eggbert told a Russian reporter back in 1998. “I once wished him a Happy Hannukah and he responded by breaking my jaw! I’m not sure I want to subject myself to that again.”

“My little brother is exaggerating,” said a defensive Foote when approached by the reporter. “I specifically remember the doctor saying that I fractured his jaw. Eggbert is so overdramatic! Man, I really hate that…uh… son of a bitch!” With hatred between the Brothers Foote still raging, it looked like a once possible reunion was becoming increasingly less likely.

Until now. According to sources close to the Foote family, Egan recently booked a trip to Russia, apparently to visit his recently-released brother and spend New Years Eve with the younger Foote. When questioned about the rumored trip, Egan issued his standard denials: “Of course I am not visiting Eggbert,” said an irate Foote. “That is ludicrous. I am traveling to Russia to appear on the Minsk Morning Zoo radio program, the wackiest in the entire Eastern Bloc… except, of course, for Sofia, Bulgaria’s morning program. Those guys are nuts!” Hot Foote was able to confirm that Egan was in fact invited to appear on the radio station, but according to Program Director Alexei Nemchinov “has not yet indicated to us that he intends to appear.” The Russian rumor mill has been buzzing that while Egan does intend to make his radio appearance, visiting his brother is his true motivation.

Whether or not a radio appearance is the reason for Egan’s travel plans, it will be the first time in twenty years the two brothers have set Foote on the same continent. And that, says many, is progress.

We will continue to update this story as more information becomes available…

December 28, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Developing: Egan Foote Set to Cross WGA Picket Line

2004-visionawards-01.jpgAs we all know, Egan Foote has never shied away from controversy. And if reports are correct, Mr. Foote looks ready to do it again.

According to sources close to Hot Foote, Egan Foote is ready to cross the picket line and offer his writing services to anyone interested. Known by most for his acting, Foote has actually been a member of the Writers Guild of America since 1990. Mr. Foote, whose writing resume is limited to the short-lived series, “Babes,” has shown solidarity with the rest of the striking WGA members since the strike began and is a regular fixture on the picket lines. However, Foote has apparently grown wary of the WGA’s efforts, spending less and less time picketing, and even recently told radio station KUBL in Reno, Nevada that at times he could “see the other side’s point of view.”

061004interview1.jpgHe continued that he was also getting bored with the time off. “Insurance processing is great and all, but I need something else. Perhaps it’s time we get back to work.” Foote has attempted to fill that void in a variety of different ways, including traveling, working extra hours insurance processing, working out, spending time with his “The Nine” castmates (picture, right), and serving as a judge on various reality competitions, including the FOX series “A Kick to the Crotch,”in which contestants kick each other in the groin until only one man is left standing (picture, below left), “Bare Knuckle Brawl,” in which homeless men bare knuckle box until only one man is left standing, and “Your Stash in the Trash,” in which contestants’ personal belongings are buried on a New York City trash barge and they fight each other on the floating vessel to retrieve their possessions. But none of it seems to have pulled Egan from his rut.

 

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Needless to say, the rumors have angered WGA members. When Egan left the offices of ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson on Wednesday, after a rumored meeting to discuss the possibility of Mr. Foote writing for the ABC drama “Grey’s Anatomy,” he was yelled at by a swarm of picketing writers holding signs reading “Scab!!” And luckily, our faithful Citizen Paparazzi were there to catch some of the action. The following pictures, submitted by Hot Foote reader “wackie,” showing Foote being cornered and subsequently beaten by WGA members.

 

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We will continue to update this story as more information becomes available…

December 26, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Happy Holidays from Hot Foote

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December 22, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Exclusive: Egan Foote Appears in Mitchell Report Under Alias “Adam Piatt”

590546_m.jpgBack in October of this year, Hot Foote broke the story that Egan Foote was set to appear in the Mitchell report, former Senator George Mitchell’s much anticipated look at the use of steroids and other performance enhancing drugs in Major League Baseball. However, the report, released yesterday, made no mention of any Foote (much less Rollie Fingers, Bill Hands, Tony Armas, Ed Head, Shin-Soo Choo, Chin-hui Tsao, Toe Nash, or Mike Palm; Rick Ankiel, however, did appear).

 

But after some intense digging, we can exclusively report that Egan Foote does appear in the Mitchell Report as his alias, Adam Piatt. After combing through Social Security, tax, bank and health records, Hot Foote staff was able to determine that Egan Foote has used a number of different aliases over the years, frequently employing some variation of the name “Alan Pratt,” most recently used by Mr. Foote as a character in the NBC drama Journeyman.

 

You can find more information on Foote’s appearance in the Mitchell Report here.

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Developing…

 

 

December 14, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Breaking: Egan Foote to Replace Isiah Thomas as General Manager and Head Coach of the New York Knicks?

The phone lines here at Hot Foote headquarters have been ringing off the hook with people purporting to have inside information on James Dolan’s plans to replace Isiah Thomas with Egan Foote as the head coach and General Manager of the New York Knicks. According to numerous sources, the information was leaked during a four hour performance of Dolan’s band, at which attendance was required of all Cablevision and Madison Square Garden employees.

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“This next track is something I’ve been working on – I wrote it for new head coach and GM Egan Foote… I mean… uh… oh no, my dad’s going to kill me!… Dolan, out!” However, Dolan was not “out,” and instead came back on stage and read the following statement: “Mr. Thomas is and will continue to be the General Manager and head coach of the New York Knicks. My allusions to Egan Foote earlier were a slip of the tongue and should not be taken seriously… my father did not prepare this statement.”

But the rumors simply will not die. Insiders report that the Knicks are currently working on an exit package for Thomas and that as soon as it is finalized, Foote will be named the new GM and head coach. “No comment,” said the always enigmatic Foote when asked about the rumors on Portsmouth, New Hampshire’s WSAK morning show. “I have been advised to say nothing at this time.” When pressed further, however, Foote did provide a few hints on the team when he said “Lil’ Nate, yo, he can really sky!! Zach Randolph? More like Zach, Hand-off (the ball to someone else, because you stink). Malik Rose got game. Collins can ball. Is Allan Houston still on the team? I’m friends with David Lee’s uncle…”

Egan has dipped his Foote into the player side of the NBA, being selected as the top draft choice of the Portland Trailblazers, but this would be his first venture into coaching. Many thought Egan was done with the Knicks in 2005, the year he gave up his season tickets. But according to Egan, he always kept his finger on the pulse of the team. “I got a guy on the inside,” said Foote. “I won’t reveal my sources, but you could say his name rhymes with Bilal Sawford.” Foote then proceeded to sing the 1994 Knicks theme “Go New York, Go” by Jesse James.

While many are excited about the potential of a Foote-led Knicks team, others are skeptical. “Who the FAHK is Egan Foote?” asked Knicks forward Reynaldo Balkman. “Is he that guy who kept calling me Rolando Blackman?”

“I read that blog about Mr. Foote,” added Quentin Richardson. “He sounds like trouble.”

Good point, Q. But can it really get much worse than it already is?

Developing…

December 10, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Flashback: November 30, 2004 – Egan Foote Ends Ken Jennings’ Record-Setting Winning Streak

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December 1, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Exclusive: Never Before Seen Egan Foote Motivational Posters

Sitting outside Hot Foote headquarters when we arrived this morning was an envelope from an anonymous source filled with a stack of motivational posters starring none other than our very own Egan Foote. The photos, according to our source, were produced by retail chain Urban Outfitters to be part of their holiday gift selection. But the posters never made it to print.

It had been rumored that company executives were so displeased at the time that they ordered the pictures burned and the campaign never to be spoken of again. According to some sources, the mistake was giving Mr. Foote creative control over all of the posters. “Big mistake,” said photographer Brandon Stracke. “This guy was throwing out some crazy ideas.”

What follows is a sampling of the posters from Egan Foote Urban Outfitters Motivational Poster Holiday Gift Campaign. It is believed that there are a number of other posters floating out there. If you happen to locate one, please contact Hot Foote at egan.foote@gmail.com.

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Update: Since posting the above, we have received numerous e-mails from Hot Foote readers with additional uncovered posters. Below please find these newly submitted Egan Foote motivational posters. We will continue to update Hot Foote as submissions are received.

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November 19, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Egan Announces 1/4 Point Rate Cut

 In these difficult times, Americans need to make sacrifices.  And that’s exactly what our very own Egan Foote did today, when he announced a quarter-point rate cut on his outstanding loan to The Nine co-star Scott Wolf.
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“Hello, ah, Egan here.   The recent sharp increases in subprime mortgage loan delinquencies and in the number of homes entering foreclosure raise important economic, social, and regulatory issues.  Today I will address a series of questions related to these developments.  Why have delinquencies and initiations of foreclosure proceedings risen so sharply?  How have subprime mortgage markets adjusted?  How have Federal Reserve and other policymakers responded, and what additional actions might be considered?  How might the problems in the market for subprime mortgages affect housing markets and the economy more broadly?   Yada, yada, yada.   Ole Egan might not be a great economist like Mr. Ben Anker or Al Greenspine, but he WILL do his part for the good of the American economy.   It is with this in mind that I announce a quarter-point rate cut on the interest due to me from my outstanding $12.50 loan that I made to Scotty Wolf when we went to go see the Simpsons Movie this summer.  Egan, out.”

Um, thanks, Eeegs.

November 14, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Breaking: Egan Foote to Form Own Finger Jousting League

2002_john_sanf.jpgSpurned by self-proclaimed Lord of the Joust, and Egan-proclaimed life-long virgin, Julian Gluck, in his challenge to joust the World Finger Jousting Federation President, Egan Foote is reportedly going to start his own finger jousting league. Details are still unknown at this time, but Egan has never been one to back down from a challenge, or to make promises he can’t keep.

The speculation began after the following exchange on Little Rock, Arkansas’ KARN-FM radio morning show:

Foote: … and that’s what I think of NAFTA.

DJ: Interesting stuff, Egan, interesting stuff. Now let’s move on to your ongoing feud with the World Finger Jousting Federation and its President, Julian Gluck.

Foote: Gulp! I thought this might come up. Ok, fire away.

DJ: So, tell us about the feud…

Foote: Well, Mr. Disc Jockey, it’s very simple: I appeared on another radio station a couple of weeks ago – no competitor of yours, I assure you! – and made some comments about the World Finger Jousting Federation after reading a humorous commentary on the Riding with Rickey world wide web site. In my statement I challenged Mr. Gluck to a finger joust on his terms. Not only… uh… did the coward not respond, but he banned me from his world wide web site. I then re-issued my challenge but once again the coward did not respond.

DJ: So it looks like there’s no battle for Egan’s saber rattle! (rings cowbell repeatedly)

Foote: It appears not. All this training and getting back into finger jousting shape for nothing! Maybe I’ll just start my own finger jousting league!

DJ: Well, good luck with that. We’ll be right back with The Nine’s Scott Wolf after a word from our sponsors…

Foote: Scotty’s going to be here? [cut off]

While Mr. Foote’s appearance is far from confirmation, an astute Hot Foote reader uncovered a filing with the US Patent and Trademark Office to take over the mark of the now-defunct North American Association of Men Battling Little Appendages (or NAMBLA).

Developing..

November 13, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Developing: Egan Foote Banned from World Jousting Federation’s Website Forum

He said it wasn’t over. And it looks like he wasn’t lying. As we had previously reported, Egan Foote released a statement regarding the World Finger Jousting Federation while appearing on Tuscaloosa, Alabama’s WTUG-FM morning show earlier this week. Mr. Foote ended his statement with a challenge to WFJF’s President, self-proclaimed Lord of the Joust, Julian Gluck. According to his statement, Mr. Foote was prepared to joust Mr. Gluck anywhere and at any time.

2004_jb_bday_01.jpgSince that challenge, Mr. Foote has been preparing, training and sharpening his finger jousting skills. “Most people don’t know this,” said a proud Mr. Foote, “but I was at one time the top ranked finger jouster in the now defunct National Association of Men Battling Little Appendages (NAMBLA), the precursor to the World Finger Jousting Federation. That was, of course, until NAMBLA league President Isiah Thomas ran the league into the ground. But take a look at this picture (left) of me accepting the certification as the nation’s top finger jouster. Needless to say, I’m a little rusty – I’m going to need bang these fingers into shape!”

And that he has done, working out with a trainer for up to 12 hours each day. “I’m going to take that little douche [Gluck] down. He won’t even know what hit him.”

However, if recent developments are any indication, Mr. Foote’s hard work may have all been in vain; not only has Mr. Gluck not responded to Egan’s challenge, but Egan received a letter from the WFJF President informing him that his “account has been deleted from the WFJF Forum.” In response, Egan did what he does best: pleaded his case on a local radio show. Appearing on Flint, Michigan’s WTRX-AM morning show, Mr. Foote reiterated his finger jousting challenge to Mr Gluck via the following statement:

Hello, um, Egan Foote here (arms flapping). Now perennial virgin and world class loser Julian Gluck has decided to ban good ol’ Egan from his web site’s forum. I do not know whether the Lord of the Douche was afraid of Egan putting his ol’ Foote in his mouth or whether he was simply afraid of ol’ Egan himself. What I do know is that I have been training day in and day out to get myself back into finger jousting shape, only to be ignored.

So here I am, back to re-issue my challenge. Mr. Gluck, accept my challenge. You choose the time, you choose the place. The only thing I choose is you… to be the first notch on my comeback belt. Unless you are chicken? [Egan proceeds to make chicken sounds, until the DJ finally cuts to a commercial break].

We will continue to update this story as more information becomes available…

November 8, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Egan Foote Releases Statement on World Finger Jousting Federation

gs-xv-mfe2.jpgAccording to sources close to the insurance processor, Egan Foote has made an effort to lay low recently, hoping to put his high-profile trials and tribulations behind him. But Mr. Foote took a break from his self-imposed isolation recently, appearing on Tuscaloosa, Alabama’s WTUG-FM morning show to speak on the subject of the World Finger Jousting Federation. Mr. Foote was responding to a series of posts that appeared on the Riding with Rickey website about the “sport” of finger jousting. After a humorous review of the pseudo-sport, Rickey followed up by posting a response he received from the WFJF President, high school attendance award winner and girl repellant Julian Gluck. Unimpressed by Mr. Gluck’s failed attempt at comedic irony, Egan Foote felt compelled to respond. A transcript of his statement appears below:

Hello, um, uh, Egan Foote here. Now let me start out by saying that I was not previously familiar with the sport of finger jousting (as far as Egan is concerned, it is not a sport unless it involves the use of a Foote). In fact, I was initially drawn to the commentary by Rickey Henderson because I thought it referenced finger-banging, a past-time of mine I was unaware had its own organization. But after reading about this competition on one of my favorite internet past times – the Riding with Rickey world wide web site – I felt compelled to speak out. (Wipes sweat from forehead).

In response to Rickey’s humorous review of the prom-night alternative, finger jousting, self-proclaimed Lord of the Joust Julian Gluck (I think we can all agree that he’s definitely some kind of “lord”) replied with an underwhelming letter in defense of his glorified abstinence pledge. Mr. Gluck lists a number of his highschool achievements, as though Egan would forgive some douchebag’s persistent promotion of a sport where two men lock fingers simply because this poindexter touts the appearance of AP Calculus on his class schedule.

When good old Egan activated his laptop and fired up the old internet connection, he connected to the official World Finger Jousting Federation website and was treated to video’s of Mr. Gluck’s inhaler-toting cohorts locking fingers and attempting to poke one another. However, all that Egan witnessed was what the WFJF lacked: namely, entertainment value, spectators, acne-free skin and attractive women.

With that said, I do believe that I should throw an old Egan thank you to Mr. Gluck and his merry band of virgins for bringing one important thing to Egan’s attention: as one of the links in the WFJF’s pround “media” section, the zilches at the WFJF (apparently unaware of the concept of subtle mockery) link to coverage of their pseudo-sport by what appears to be a web program entitled The Nine. Sound familiar? Well, that’s because of my recently canceled ABC drama, The Nine. I have already contacted my attorneys and have informed them that they should do everything in their power to crush this impostor.

In conclusion, Mr. Gluck – you, sir, are a douche. I, Egan Foote, hereby challenge you, Julian Gluck to a finger joust. Anywhere. Any time. Assuming it doesn’t conflict with your Dungeons and Dragons Club meetings.

Egan, out!

Before signing off the radio program, Egan Foote assured the listeners that this would not be the last we heard from him on the subject of the World Finger Jousting Federation. We will continue to update this story as it develops…

November 5, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 4 Comments

You Be the Judge: Egan Foote?

A debate has been raging around the Hot Foote headquarters as to whether this picture, submitted by a faithful Hot Foote reader, is of insurance processor Egan Foote. The picture was snapped on the New Jersey PATH train yesterday morning.

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According to one Hot Foote editor, “This is clearly not Egan Foote. If you look closely, this man is clearly reading the Arts & Leisure section of the newspaper. However, as anyone familiar with Egan knows, Mr. Foote exclusively reads the funnies.”

“I’d recognize that tie anywhere,” said a Hot Foote intern. “That is Egan Foote. I’d bet this pay period’s salary on it.” When informed that he was not receiving any salary but instead course credit, our intern yelled “Shit!” and ran down to the Apple Store to return his newly purchased iPhone.

Adding to the mystery, Egan Foote appeared on KWQW-FM’s morning show in Des Moines, Iowa yesterday morning. Given the time stamp accompanying the picture, getting back to the East Coast in time to board a PATH train would have been very difficult.

Thoughts on whether this is Egan Foote? Other Egan sightings? Please let us know in the comments section.

November 2, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Citizen Paparazzi: Egan Foote Dresses Up as Actor John Billingsley for Halloween

We are receiving reports from our faithful citizen paparazzi that Egan Foote has decided to dress up as stage and screen actor John Billingsley for Halloween. Said our spy, Hot Foote reader ‘pilipacker,’ “I was putting on my jacket, about to head to work this morning, when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door and it was none other than Egan Foote, hand extended, exclaiming ‘trick or treat!’ I grabbed a couple of Mentos from my pocket and placed them in his hand. I was also able to snap this picture before Mr. Foote moved down the hall to the next door.”

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Developing…

October 31, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Breaking: Egan Foote Opts Out of Contract with New York Yankees

52818.jpgHot on the heels (or should we say Foote) of Alex Rodriguez’ announcement that he would opt out of his contract with the New York Yankees, Egan Foote released a statement through his agent Scott Boras announcing that he too would opt out of his contract with the Yankees. Often overlooked for his athletic prowess, Egan Foote does have some notoriety in the world of sports. However, very few people know that Egan Foote is currently in the thirteenth year of a 25 year contract with New York. While serving as an extra in the movie Angels in the Outfield, Mr. Foote was throwing the ball around with castmate Danny Glover; what he didn’t know was that now Yankee General Manager Brian Cashman was in the crowd. “Sweetest arm I’d ever seen,” said Cashman back in 1994 when announcing that the team had signed Foote. “A more fitting name would be Egan Arm. Hey-yo!”

Cashman quickly encouraged George Steinbrenner to sign the insurance processor to a long term deal. “I knew we had to lock him up” said Cashman. And lock him up they did. The Yankees signed Foote to a 25 year, $70 million dollar deal, a record at the time it was signed. The deal allows Mr. Foote to opt out of his contract after the thirteenth year.

And that’s exactly what he plans to do. In a press conference earlier today, Boras released the following statement: “Mr. Foote has decided to opt out of his contract with the Yankees. This deal was signed in 1994 according to 1994 economics. Mr. Foote wants to be compensated for his services based on 2007 numbers. Boras, out.”

“I am very excited to test the free agent waters,” said Foote. “It’s something I have not done since 1994 when I accepted an offer with the Yankees that was too good to refuse. After consultation with my family and friends, I have decided to opt, out!”

There has been little speculation as to what impact this decision may have, mainly due to the fact that very few people knew Egan Foote was under contract with the Yankees, much less played baseball. “The commissioner’s office was unaware of Mr. Foote’s contract with the team,” said MLB Commission Bud Selig. “We are recalculating the Yankees revenue sharing and luxury tax obligations and will be sending the team an invoice very shortly.”

We will continue to update this story as more information becomes available…

October 29, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Breaking: Egan Foote Rumored to Appear on George Mitchell’s List of Suspected Steroid Users

jb-fp.jpgBonds. McGwire. Palmiero. Foote? A number of shocking names are expected to be included when former Senator George Mitchell releases his report on the use of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball. But sources close to Hot Foote reveal that one name is more unexpected than the rest: That’s right, Egan Foote.

Mitchell is expected to release his report some time after the end of the World Series. Mr. Mitchell has been investigating steroids in baseball since April of 2006 when Bud Selig recruited the former Senator to look into the subject after an intense period of scrutiny involving the sport’s connection to steroid use and high profile Congressional hearings into the matter.

“Mr. Mitchell has no comment on the report, or any names contained therein” said a spokesman for Mitchell. “You will simply have to wait until the report is released.”

But a Hot Foote source, who prefers to remain anonymous considering the sensitivity of the matter, assures us that Egan Foote’s name will appear on the list. “I assure you he’s on there,” said the source. “Somewhere right in between Sal Fasano and Jeff Francoeur. Oops, did I just reveal some other names? Anonymous source, out!”

The question remains, however, why would an insurance processor need performance enhancing drugs?

Developing…

Update I: Hot Foote has exclusively obtained the following picture of Egan Foote testifying before George Mitchell’s commission billingsley.jpgon the use of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball. This photograph, taken by an anonymous source close to Hot Foote, is the only evidence of Egan’s involvement with the investigation.

“Mr. Mitchell was careful to ensure that no cameras, video and voice recorders or other devices were present during the commission’s meetings with those people under investigation,” said our source. “I guess the Senator has never heard of camera phones!”

The source continued, “Egan was very cooperative with the investigation. I get the feeling this wasn’t the first time he was questioned regarding his alleged bad behavior.”

Update II: Egan Foote has released the following statement regarding his investigation by George Mitchell.

To: Fans, Friends, Enemies, Hot Foote Readers and Members of the Media

From: Egan Foote

Re: George Mitchell Investigation

Hello, ah, Egan here. Recently some information has, uh, been spread regarding an investigation into my alleged use of performance-enhancing drugs. Let me say right here, right, uh, now that I have only taken performance-enhancing supplements once in my life: as a child my parents made me take Flinstones vitamins each day. But I assure you that I had no choice, my parents, uh, made me! (wipes sweat from forehead)

Now, you may be saying to yourself, “well, if he hasn’t done steroids, why is he on the list?” To that, I, uh, can, uh, only respond, uh, that I do not know why! Perhaps it was my brother Eggbert Foote and this is a case of mistaken identity. Whatever it is, I am innocent! Free the Foote! Free the Foote!

To all my supporters, thank you. And to George Mitchell and his commission, I’m coming for you. Be scared, Mitchell. You’re about to get a Foote up your ass!

Egan, out!

Update III: There have been numerous accusations and denials swirling around this story every since Hot Foote broke this news. So we here at Hot Foote decided to investigate this matter ourselves and try to shed some more light into this ongoing story.

We first decided to take a look at the photographic evidence. According to our source, Egan Foote allegedly received consistent shipments of the so-called “Cream” and “Clear” from the Bay Area Lab Company (BALCO) between August 2002 and May 2004. The following picture of Mr. Foote was taken backstage at a Brian Setzer Orchestra concert in late July 2002 and shows a healthy and skinny Egan Foote.

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The subsequent photographs, however, paint a curious and damning picture. In this next photograph, taken in January of 2003, we see Egan Foote showing off his new body. According to Hot Foote’s resident health expert, Dr. Ashif Gupta, “you can tell that Mr. Foote is larger, more toned and generally more muscular. A transition from the man in the picture from July 2002 to the man we see now would need to undergo a training regimen that could only be fueled by performance-enhancing drugs. Body change like this for a man at Egan’s age is virtually impossible without chemical assistance.”

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Finally, this picture was taken in March 2004, at the very end of Mr. Foote’s alleged use of BALCO products. According to Gupta, “this picture is perhaps the best evidence of Egan’s use of performance-enhancing drugs, most likely some form of human growth hormone, or HGH. However, when you take these sorts of drugs without any complementary aerobic activity, you simply grow without any change in muscle mass. It is clear that Egan continued to take these drugs but abandoned a workout regimen, allowing his body to expand with no accompanying enhancement of muscle tone.”

 

 

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October 26, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Flashback: October 25, 2003 – Egan Foote Finishes Mapping the Human Genome

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Wikipedia Entry

 

October 25, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Report: Eggbert Foote Released from Russian Holding Cell

Its been quite a day for the editors of Hot Foote as devoted reader Vutsky Yerkin writes in with some earth shattering news that we had to hold onto until we could get verification. In short, there are more toes on the Foote than we had known – an estranged, ex-pat brother named Eggbert Foote who has had a history of poor relations with older brother Egan. Mr. Yerkin’s letter after the jump (translated via Google Translate):

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“Halo czars of Burn Feet. I pen from Blagoveshchensk and I like to report a view of a man who look like a man on hit teletube show Девять (“The Nine”). I spend light hours to keep enemies of Mother Russia (sic) from do harm on us. This man was bring to my supervise in the reign of Gorbachev and has a face that is melt from nuclear escape incidents (Editor’s Note: ???) of 1992. I film a picture with my Nokia.”

The editors at Hot Foote worked feverishly to confirm Mr. Yerkin’s story. Eggbert Foote is the younger brother (by 6 years) of Egan and left the country in 1987 to cash in on emerging diamond markets in the middle-east. It is rumored that Eggbert had his face melted off in some sort of nuclear accident. We are working to get you more details in the coming hours…

Update I: While we could not reach Egan directly for comment, he did issue a statement through his publicist: “Ah, hello, Egan… ahh… Foote here. I am very glad that my brother Eggbert is safe. I do hope that he remains out of the country, as I hate him. Please respect my family’s privacy at this time, and ahh, I hate him. You can print that.”

Update II: Ever since our exclusive article on Eggbert Foote, the younger brother of Egan Foote, Hot Foote readers from around the world have been writing in with their international Eggbert Foote sightings. Below are a selection of images we have received from our faithful Citizen Paparazzi.

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October 18, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Citizen Paparazzi: Egan Foote Caught Wedding Crashing

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Taking a page out of the 2005 movie “Wedding Crashers,” insurance processor Egan Foote was discovered crashing a wedding in Modesto, California. The picture was taken by a member of our faithful Citizen Paparazzi, a Hot Foote reader who goes by the name of “doob-rinsky.”

According to doob-rinsky, “I was out in Modesto, California to attend the wedding of my cousin Mark, when I noticed Egan Foote patiently waiting on the buffet line. Excited about being in the presence of the famed insurance processor and hostage survivor, I was looking forward to meeting Mr. Foote. But when I asked for an introduction from my cousin, he responded with a puzzled ‘Egan who?’ After some further investigation, it became clear that Egan was not invited at all and was crashing the wedding!”

“That is preposterous! Of course I was invited!” said Egan when asked about his alleged wedding crashing on the KJOY FM morning show in Modesto, California. “Me and Mike have been friends for years!” When told that the groom was named Mark, Egan insisted “that’s what I meant,” threw hot tea in the DJ’s face and disappeared with a swift declaration of “Egan, out!”

Developing…

October 17, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Report: Egan Foote to Be Named Cat Fancy’s ‘Cat Owner of the Year’

john-billingsley-2.jpgReports are circulating that Cat Fancy Magazine is set to name Egan Foote as it’s 2007 Cat Owner of the Year. The annual issue will hit newsstands on October 28th. After a worldwide search, editors were eventually able to narrow the field down to 5 finalists, including Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, Elanor Abernathy (better known as the crazy cat lady on the Fox animated sitcom The Simpsons), Louis Stevens, who took 12 of the worst cats in Miami and turned them into pillars of the community, Toonces the Driving Cat, and Mr. Foote himself.

“I cannot tell you how excited I am,” Foote told the morning show of KWYL radio in Reno, Nevada. “And to think, I used to torture stray cats as a kid!” When pressed further on the torture issue, Egan’s sunny demeanor quickly turned to that of agitation and he responded that “torture” was not the correct word and what he meant to say was that he used “enhanced interrogation techniques.” According to witnesses, Egan’s lawyer then spilled coffee all over the radio station’s console, grabbed his client and ran out.

Later in the day, Egan appeared on Albuquerque, New Mexico’s KMGA radio, where listeners were treated with the following exchange:

DJ: “I just want to congratulate you. Cat Fancy announced this morning that they were naming you, Egan Foote, their Cat Owner Of The Year.”

Egan: “That’s right, I got the COOTY! I was actually a finalist back in 2004. That was, of course, until my box-office bomb ‘The Cat Whisperer,’ starring yours truly, was believed by the magazine’s publishers to have set back the cat movement decades.”

DJ: “Yeah, that movie was universally panned (plays toilet flushing sound). I guess no one wanted to spend $10 to see you talking to cats for 2 hours.”

Egan: “That’s what my agent said! From then on we’ve lived by the motto ‘No chats for Egan’s cats!”

More to come…

October 11, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Breaking: Congressional Investigation Reveals Egan Foote’s Link to Private Military Contractor Blackwater

Hot Foote recently reported on the rumor that Egan Foote was heading to Iraq as part of the troop “surge.” However, despite the reports, Egan did not in fact enlist. But this does not mean that Egan never stepped Foote in Mesopotamia; rather,608.jpg testimony provided to the Congressional Committee on Oversight and Government Reform revealed that Egan has made no less than 6 trips to the region as an independently contracted guard for private military contractor Blackwater USA.

When asked about his role with the private military contractor, Egan replied “Clearly you don’t know what the word ‘private’ means. Well, it means that it’s none of your beeswax!! Let’s just say the evil-doers are getting their due.” When then asked about whether that meant he was involved with an alleged incident in which Blackwater opened fire on Iraqi civilians, killing 16, Mr. Foote shouted “Egan, out!” and was whisked away by a Blackwater humvee.

At this time, the connection between Egan’s relationship with Blackwater and his plans to assist Jack Bauer remain unclear.

We will continue to update this story as more information becomes available…

Update: Egan Foote was called to testify before Congress on his knowledge of certain Blackwater operations.

Developing…

October 9, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Egan Addresses The Nine’s Unanswered Questions

031_28a.JPGAfter the overwhelming response to Egan’s live-blogging of The Nine’s return to television, we asked Egan if he would return to Hot Foote and attempt to address some of the questions The Nine left us with. And while we once again had some trouble locating Mr. Foote, we ultimately found him and he graciously accepted our invitation. Egan invited us to attend a symposium taking place at Stanford University where he had been invited to attend as a guest speaker. The symposium was entitled “Nine Lives: Lessons from the ABC Drama” and was hosted by TV Guide blogger Famin, who had recently addressed the lack of closure for the show with his article entitled Thirteen Unanswered Questions About The Nine.” Egan addressed many of these 13 questions over the course of the symposium – portions of his commentary appear below:

Egan Foote: Hello…uh… Egan Foote here. Welcome to our… uh… symposium on The Nine. I want to thank Stanford University for hosting this extremely important event… as well as for the bowl of Wheat Thins they left in the green room. I also want to thank Famin for graciously agreeing to emcee the… um… event (whipes sweat from forehead) and a special thanks to the team from Hot Foote who are in attendance today. I am here to… uh… attempt to answer some of the important questions The Nine left us with due to its premature departure from our television airwaves. Now, for the purpose of full disclosure, I should point out that many of my answers are speculative – unfortunately, myself and the other cast members were kept out of the loop on the writers’ future plans for the show. In fact, we often learned of many developments at the same time as you, loyal viewers. Each Wednesday evening, after each episode of Lost, the cast of The Nine would convene at one of the cast members’ houses to all watch the program together. It was always a fun event… particularly when the party was hosted by Franny Rios and I was able to snoop through her underwear drawer while pretending to go to the bathroom. Franny Rios, hubba hubba! Uh oh, did I just admit that? (wipes sweat from forehead, flaps arms furiously)… oh well, at least no one is recording this, or else it would be Egan, out(ed as a pervert)! Add to that the fact that I was often drunk and/or passed out on the set and I really don’t know what was going on. The point is, most of what I say is speculation – I simply don’t know what the future held for the show.

Anyway, without any more Foote-dragging, let’s address some of the most burning Nine-related questions. Famin… you’re… uh… up.

Famin: Thanks, Egan. Let’s get started with some of the questions from my article.

1. What will happen to Egan and the Birdfinch Lady? Just when things were heating up between them, too.

Egan Foote: Let’s just say that Egan doesn’t like to be tied down. The Birdfinch Lady was obviously fun for a while, but I simply can’t see it continuing. Plus, I know the writers did some research and the overwhelming majority of viewers preferred Egan being single. My guess is that if the show had continued that the writers would have had Egan out (of that relationship).

2. Ditto for Lizzie and Coworker Bo. She deserves to be able to move on after Frannie and Jeremy.

Egan Foote: Excuse me, but it’s called “The Nine,” not “The Ten” and Bo simply didn’t go through what we went through. Sure Lizzie deserves to be happy, but that bank robbery changed us… I can’t foresee ever dating someone who was not in that 52 hour ordeal. Sure, it limits my options, but I do remind you that Franny Rios was in that bank. Hubba hubba!

3. What is the significance of the funky Lucas dreams Felicia and Lizzie were having?

Egan Foote: I don’t know, I fast-forwarded through most of Lizzie’s scenes. Thank God for my Divo device!

4. Did Lizzie really have a thing going for Lucas? What happened between them in the bank? (And how gorgeous did the two of them look all decked out in tux and that gorgeous teal gown?)

Egan Foote: Ok, someone seems a bit obsessed with Lizzie here. How about some Foote-related questions, Famin. And I warn you – I cannot discuss my ongoing lawsuits.

5. Will Felicia ever get her memory back? Lucas as Jesus? What’s that about? I know there was more to it than Lucas making Randall let her go, thus saving her. What happened between Felicia and Lucas?

Egan Foote: Who’s Felicia.

Famin: She’s the young girl, one of the Nine…

Egan Foote: (scratching head)

Famin: The bank manager’s daughter…

Egan Foote: Oh! Of course! To answer your question, I don’t know.

6. Will Malcolm lose it? He seems like he’s about to lose it any minute, he’s just under so much pressure. More than at the Man of the Year speech and with his brother. Seems like foreshadowing to me!

Egan Foote: Lose what, weight? Hey-oh! Get it? He’s fat…

7. Will Tim Daly ever get a show worthy of him? He’s been blowing me away in this one.

Egan Foote: Poor Timmy. The guy just has the worst luck with new TV shows. Look out for him on the upcoming ABC sitcom “Cavemen.” I think this one’s going to be a hit. Egan knows…

8. Will Catherine make it as a DA? Or will her Three Strikes stance take her down? And how tacky was it that her “brand” was the bank?

Egan Foote: Famin, YOU spend 52 hours in a bank and see if you still feel the same way about that being Catherine’s brand. You son of a bitch, I oughta come over there and choke you stupid insensitive bastard. 52 hours hostage. 52 HOURS!

9. Does Catherine wear too much black?

Egan Foote: No.

10. Will Egan be able to keep his mouth shut on Catherine’s campaign? I think he’s learned his lesson. It seemed like he’d finally found his calling, taking up the family business of selling–selling Catherine, that is. I love the two of them together.

Egan Foote: Now… uh… what exactly are you accusing old Egan of? The Footes have not been involved in human trafficking in at least 10 years and anyone who says otherwise is a LIAR! Of course I’ll be able to keep my mouth shut… I’ve always been able to keep secrets before. For example, I’ve never revealed the conclusion of The Nine.

11. What’s up with the guy who killed Nick’s father? Is there a connection to the bank? What? Or was it just a vehicle for Nick’s revenge? Was that whole storyline just to give us a vehicle for Nick’s forgiveness? Was it leading up to giving Nick a way to forgive Randall?

Egan Foote: I think I missed that episode.

12. How awesome was Franny with her mom and grandma? Way to go Franny.

Egan Foote: My reaction can be expressed with one word… repeated twice: Hubba Hubba!

13. What happened in the vault? What secret is Malcolm hiding?

Egan Foote: I have been told I cannot discuss these two issues as they would be addressed in a The Nine movie that is currently being developed.

Egan, out!

October 4, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Legal Foote-notes: An Egan Legal Roundup

458965457_7f8a711471.jpgWith so much happening in the life of Egan Foote, we here at Hot Foote wanted to take this opportunity to update you on Egan’s numerous legal matters in the first of an ongoing series called “Legal Foote-Notes.” Below is a brief rundown of the various legal issues surrounding the enigmatic (and apparently litigious) insurance processor. Needless to say, Egan has been keeping his attorney busy as of late, not only with the numerous criminal investigations into his often erratic behavior, but also with a series of lawsuits against a number of different parties. Hot Foote will continue to update these stories as they develop.

  • On the 50th Anniversary of the Little Rock Crisis, Egan filed a lawsuit against the so-called “Little Rock 9” for what Egan claims to be the “uncanny similarities” between this event in American history and his canceled ABC prime time drama ‘The Nine.’ A hearing is set for November 9th, 2007.

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  • headerlogo.jpgPapers were filed early Monday morning in a suit by Egan against retail shoe store Foot Locker. In his suit, Mr. Foote claims misapropriation of his name. Egan is seeking an unspecified amount in damages from the shoe retailer.
  • We recently reported on Egan Foote’s lawsuit against CNN Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin and his recent book ‘The Nine.’ This lawsuit is moving forward, with depositions schedule for October 22, 2007.
  • 2003jb_pas.gifnineplaybill.jpgEgan Foote is seeking an injunction against upcoming movie ‘Nine,’ seeking to have production stopped on the big screen adaptation of the Tony Award winning musical. “This is a travesty,” said Mr. Foote in a press conference outside of the courthouse. “The studio is clearly trying to benefit from the good will that ‘The Nine’ received in its strong, albeit brief, run on the ABC Network. This cannot continue. Egan, out!”
  • And rounding out this edition of Legal Foote-notes, Egan Foote has filed a lawsuit against disgraced Idaho Senator Larry Craig. Craig was arrested on June 11, 2007 at the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport for lewd conduct when he propositioned an undercover police officer for sex. The officer’s police report reads as follows:

At 1216 hours, Craig tapped his right foot. I recognized this as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. Craig tapped his toes several times and moves his foot closer to my foot. … The presence of others did not seem to deter Craig as he moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot which was within my stall area. Craig then proceeded to swipe his left hand under the stall divider several times, with the palm of his hand facing upward.

larry_craig_mugshot.jpgEgan is seeking an unspecified amount for the “irreversible damage done to the reputation of Mr. Foote arising out of Senator Craig’s foot-tapping in the airport men’s room.”

“Now when people think of the Foote, they’ll always remember Senator Craig’s use of this appendage in soliciting homosexual sex in an airport bathroom,” said Mr. Foote while appearing on the KJJY-FM morning show in Des Moines, Iowa. “I’ve got a reputation to protect!”

Egan continued, “the only Foote tapping that should be taking place is me when I begin my run reprising Savion Glover’s role in Bring in ‘da Noise/Bring in ‘da Funk on Broadway. Egan, out!”

We will continue to update these stories as more information becomes available…

September 26, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Citizen Paparazzi: Egan Spotted Out at LA Nightclub

Hot Foote reader “d.Waltoff” wrote in with the the following cell phone picture, snapped while out with friends at an LA nightclub. According to our reader, “I was out on Friday night celebrating a buddy’s birthday. The guy’s behind us were getting pretty rowdy so I turned around to see what was going on. To my surprise, it was Egan Foote partying with what looked like Egan’s The Nine co-start Scott Wolf, as well as a couple of other guys who were clearly friends of the Foote.”

Our citizen paparazzi continued that he witnessed a number of women on Egan’s lap throughout the night (giving Scott Wolf the cold shoulder), though was only able to snap the following picture as Egan was leaving the club..

September 24, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Developing: Egan Foote Files Lawsuit Against CNN Chief Legal Analyst Jeffrey Toobin

Law Clerk and Hot Foote reader “DaMage” writes in to report that Egan Foote has filed a lawsuit against CNN Chief Legal Analyst, Jeffrey Toobin. The suit, which was filed in United States District Court Southern District of New York, where apparently even Hot Foote has access, claims that Toobin’s new book ‘The Nine’ is a rip-off of the canceled ABC drama starring Mr. Foote. “Preposterous,” said Toobin. “My book is about the Supreme Court; I’m pretty sure his show involved bank robbers or something.” Mr. Toobin continued, “This lawsuit is frivolous and an abuse of the American legal system. Personally, I think someone needs to Fine the Foote.”

When asked to respond to Mr. Toobin’s comments, Egan replied, “Jeffrey Toobin said that? So you’re saying he watched ‘The Nine’?”

We’ll continue to update this story as more information becomes available…

The Nine: Inside the Secret World of the Supreme Court [amazon]

September 21, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Egan Foote Allegedly Kidnaps ‘Wings’ Star Tim Daly

takemeinstead_09_360x240.jpgHot Foote reader ‘nyoshigleibs’ submitted the following photo, snapped with his camera phone, moments before Egan Foote allegedly kidnapped ‘Wings’ star Tim Daly. According to ‘nyoshigleibs,’ “After purchasing a star map from a local street vendor, I decided I’d go take a look at the home of one of my favorite actors – Tim Daly. When I approached Tim Daly’s home, I noticed a familiar silhouette lurking in the bushes. Upon closer inspection I realized that it was none other than Egan Foote. Knowing Egan’s reputation for shenanigans, I decided to wait across the street to see what Mr. Foote was up to and it wasn’t long before I saw the insurance processor picking the lock on Mr. Daly’s front door. I decided to go in for a closer look and was able to snap this photo moments before Egan Foote cracked Daly across the back of the head with a knife block and dragged his unconscious body into another room.”

When we contacted Mr. Daly’s representatives, we were told that they have not been able to contact the Wings star in days and were concerned about his whereabouts. While Egan Foote has displayed some outrageous behavior before, this may be his first foray into kidnapping.

We’ll continue to update this story as more information becomes available…

September 11, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Breaking: Egan Foote to Help Jack Bauer Destroy Evil-Doers

billingsley.jpgWhile Egan Foote may not be heading to Iraq, as was rumored, that does not mean he will not be assisting in the global fight against terrorists, villains and other evil-doers. It is being reported that Egan Foote will be joining Jack Bauer on the upcoming season of 24, playing the recurring role of “Latham.”

When approached for comment, Egan seemed ecstatic about his new role. “Fuck insurance!” said the former insurance processor. “I want to shoot some terrorists!!” Egan then proceeded to run around making bullet sounds as he pretended his hands were guns. “Maybe I’ll even get to meet Michelle Dessler,” he continued, clearly unaware that she was killed not long ago. “Hubba hubba!”

Update: According to various sources, Egan will be playing security expert Michael Latham.

Developing…

September 4, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

e(gan)bay

4449_1_b.jpgHot Foote has been lucky enough to have some of the most devoted and passionate readers on the Internet. As such, we wanted to inform you of an excellent opportunity to acquire some valuable Egan Foote merchandise… by bidding for it over on ebay. The picture to the right is signed by the man himself, and even comes with a Certificate of Authenticity (a copy of which appears below).

Autographed John Billingsley Egan Foote “The Nine”

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August 23, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Watching The Nine

djjiyrbcmn100x100-75.jpgHot Foote previously reported that ABC had once again canceled The Nine. However, we have learned that the remaining episodes will be made available on ABC.com and will remain online until September 24.

These episodes are highly recommended, even if Egan has already revealed the show’s conclusion!

August 21, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Breaking: Egan Foote Arrested for Attacking TV Squad Blogger Bob Sassone

Here we go again. Another day, another incident for our good friend Egan Foote.

030501john_icon.jpgEgan Foote was arrested early Friday evening after a run-in with TV Squad blogger Bob Sassone. The incident apparently stemmed from comments made by Sassone earlier that day on TV blog TVSquad.com. In this post Sassone jokes about The Nine’s return and playfully hints at ABC running a The Nine marathon:

In the meantime, ABC has a plan: they’re bringing back The Nine again and running a marathon of shows the last week of August. Ha! Just kidding. I think ABC is done kicking that show around.

According to witnesses, Mr. Foote showed up at TV Squad offices sweaty and determined. He eventually found Mr. Sassone, smashed a stapler across his face and began choking the TV blogger. “You think that’s funny?” many witnesses reported hearing Egan repeating over and over. “This is my life, my livelihood. I put my heart into that show. You’re dead, motherfucker!” Luckily, other members of Bob’s TV Squad jumped in and removed Egan from the building, where police were waiting to take the insurance processor away.

Developing…

August 17, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

ABC Cancels ‘The Nine’… AGAIN!

Last month, Hot Foote was one of the first to report the exciting news regarding The Nine’s return to network television. However, today’s news is no cause for celebration: 250px-the_nine_intro.jpgsadly, we just learned ABC has once again pulled The Nine from its lineup after an exciting, albeit brief, second run on the network.

With four unaired episodes of the highly acclaimed drama remaining, fans are wondering when and where they may be able to view these remaining episodes. “Where is The Nine? I just want some closure,” said Hot Foote reader ‘Uter.’ “I mean, how can they leave us hanging like this? How can they not finish the story?” For those like Uter clamoring for some resolution, Egan Foote may have provided such closure long ago. As Hot Foote reported back in November 2006, Egan inadvertently revealed the conclusion of season 1 (warning: spoilers).

However, while some are angry at the lack of finality, other astute Hot Foote readers have a more pressing question: how will Egan Foote react to the news? “Yo, homeboy’s gonna bug out, yo,” said reader ‘erocks.’ “I can’t wait to watch this shit.” erocks is right to anticipate some fireworks, considering Egan’s efforts to get The Nine put back on the air and his history of erratic behavior (for more examples of Egan’s unpredictable behavior, click here, here, here, here, here, and here.

What this development means for the upcoming Egan Foote cartoon remains to be seen.

We will update this story as more information becomes available…

August 16, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Egan Foote Sighting

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Thanks to Hot Foote reader ‘GC’s’ for sending in this picture of his run-in with Egan Foote in Oklahoma City

August 13, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Live Blogging the Return of The Nine

billingsley2.jpgNeedless to say, the return of canceled ABC drama The Nine was welcome news here at Hot Foote. While Egan Foote’s consistent erratic behavior has never left Hot Foote staff with a dearth of news to report to fellow Egan fanatics, The Nine’s return was nonetheless a welcome development to Egan Foote and his fans. So, as soon as we heard the news the entire Hot Foote staff immediately locked ourselves in a conference room and began brainstorming how we could up the ante and bring you the best Egan related content on the web. It was immediately clear what we had to do. While Hot Foote has been lucky enough to receive contributions from a variety of sources, we have not yet heard from the man himself.

We had our mission: to have Egan Foote himself contribute to the site devoted to his life. We thought this would be easy; after all, Egan has never been one to shy away from exposure and has never feared speaking candidly about whatever is on his mind. However, we immediately faced a monumental challenge: locating the insurance processor. Unfortunately, as evidenced by the lack of posts as of late, Egan has been a man of mystery and even our most talented citizen paparazzi have been unable to locate him. We searched everywhere, to no avail. We were just about ready to give up on our goal to Find the Foote when we received the following note: “I have heard that you are attempting to find me. Alas, I am a master of elusiveness and your efforts will be futile. Egan, out!” However, what Mr. Foote did not realize was that he had included a return address on his envelope.

Hot Foote staff immediately visited the address and approached Egan about contributing to the site. Eventually, Egan agreed that he would live blog the first returning episode of The Nine, providing insight not only into the show, but into the man himself:

Hello Hot Foote readers, Egan here (arms flapping), ready to watch the long awaited return of The Nine to… uh… ABC. Hot Foote has set me up with an electrified typewriter, as well as a television device and has asked me to comment on the program. I will do my best to type with the haste required of a so-called “live blogger,” and will try to provide as much insight into the program as possible. So, without further adieu, Egan, in!

9:59: Ah, the closing credits to According to Jim, the best part of the show. I do not quite understand the appeal of this program, but ABC has shown questionable programming judgment before… namely the cancellation of The Nine.

10:00: Ok, here we go, it’s… uh… Nine Time.

10:02: Wow, I can’t believe how long this recap is. I think I could have done a much better job – we were in a bank robbery, we got out. Being a hostage is, uh, bad (wipes sweat from forehead).

10:03: Ok, onto the show.

10:06: Ah, my favorite ad-libbed lines of all time. “Put my best Foote forward.” Get it?

10:08: This scene took 21 takes because my nose kept bleeding.

10:11: Commercial time. Ah, an ad for Head On (arms flapping). I give that product Egan’s seal of approval. And if the Head On people are reading, Egan is available for any Foote related products you may introduce.

10:12: I forgot to shave this morning. This is boring, how do you work that Divo device so I can fast forward.

10:14: Finally! Back to the… uh… show.

10:16: Franny Rios. Hubba Hubba!!

10:23: Ah, what has now become known by the cast as the ‘Amputee Scene,’ called that for its notable lack of a Foote. Funny story. We had been shooting for like 10 straight hours… uh… (arms flapping)… and for some reason the director kept calling me Poindexter. I repeatedly asked him to stop, but when he refused I hate to put my Foote down. So I calmly walked up to him and choked that motherfucker to within an inch of my life. Timmy Daly and Scotty Wolf had to drag me off. Needless to say, I complied with the request that I sit out the next few takes. And that’s the story of the ‘Amputee Scene.’

10:27: With all due respect to Lizzie, Egan would have chosen Franny too.

10:29: Wow, what a great show. Damn you ABC for canceling us!

10:32: Another commercial break. I have to urinate. Egan, out!

10:34: Egan, in.

10:37: Kim Raver gives me a bone…oh no, did I just type that? (arms flapping)…where is… uh… the delete key on this keyboard? Oh no… (wipes sweat from forehead)… looks like I just put my Foote in my mouth.

10:41: Here’s a little tidbit – that stunt was actually performed by my twin brother, Seamus Foote.

10:46: ANOTHER commercial break. I guess I’ll take this opportunity to peruse this ‘Hot Foote’ site everyone keeps mentioning… My Lord! They know everything! There goes my (Eg)anonymity… Hey! That is just not true – I was robbed for my Reebok Pumps, not Air Jordans! The rest of it, I must admit, is in fact true.

10:50: Ok, we’re back from commercial. Thank God. If I had to see that douche from the Amstel commercial sing “well we all need… someone… we can leeeeeeaaaaan on” one more time I was going to go crazy.

10:52: Look, we’re going to get out of the bank!!! Oh…uh… false alarm. Sorry to excite you.

10:59: Previews for the next episode, my favorite part of the show. Oh no… couldn’t be… was someone in on the bank heist? Please don’t be poor old Egan, I was just getting in good with these guys!

11:00: Egan, out!

August 8, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Breaking: Egan Foote Mugged for iPhone

Hot Foote reader “gleibeez” wrote in with the following pictures snapped while driving through the Brownsville area of Brooklyn. “I was stopped at a red light when I looked over and saw what appeared to be Egan Foote being robbed in an alley,” said gleibeez. “After telling a sweaty Egan to give him his iPhone, the mugger then punched Egan in the kidney, took the iPhone out of his pocket and ran off. The mugger then stopped, turned to me and smiled, almost as if to pose for a picture holding Egan’s iPhone.”

Developing…

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July 17, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Breaking: “The Nine” Returning to ABC!!!!

The servers here at Hot Foote have been overloaded with reports that The Nine will be returning to ABC this August. ABC will supposedly be airing the final 6 episode of the drama beginning August 1.

Needless to say, this is very exciting news for us at Hot Foote, but also got us wondering how this decision was made. While the last several months have been filled with rumors 1999-xfiles-3ofakind-05.jpgof projects involving Egan Foote (including, amongst other things, a stint on Dancing with the Stars and an Egan Foote cartoon), ABC has been silent as to the fate of The Nine, leaving many viewers resigned to the reality that they may never see the remaining episodes. So what was behind The Nine‘s return? Hot Foote’s faithful citizen paparazzi have written in with a number of different theories. The picture to the right was snapped by a Hot Foote reader who works at ABC studios and shows the world’s most famous insurance processor making his case for The Nine‘s return to ABC executives.

Another Hot Foote reader submitted this photo, denzel_washington5.jpgwhich shows Egan bringing in the big guns. According to our source, Egan brought superstar and The Nine fan Denzel Washington to make the case to ABC executives that The Nine deserves another chance. However, these executives seemed unconvinced by Denzel’s star power; he was immediately removed from the premises by ABC security.

Finally, one brave member of our citizen paparazzi snapped the photograph to the left, which shows Egan Foote holding ABC 2004-upn-party-01.jpgEntertainment President Steve McPherson’s wife hostage. According to witnesses, Mr. Foote held a gun to Mrs. McPherson’s back and said that he would let her go once he was assured that The Nine would return. Other sources applauded Egan’s hostage-taking prowess. “He seemed to know exactly what he was doing,” said Hot Foote reader ‘LarsonR.’ “Almost like he had been in a hostage situation himself.”

However, it appears that it was Hot Foote readers that ultimately brought the show back from extinction. Hot Foote received a letter from ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson this morning. A portion of that letter appears below:

 

… that despite Mr. Foote’s outrageous behavior, his talent is unquestionable.

 

Please congratulate all of your readers for their successful campaign. We received more than 80,000 letters in support of Egan and ‘The Nine,” each letter containing a lucky rabbit’s foot (or rabbit’s “foote” as Hot Foote readers so affectionately refer to it).

So, in the words of Egan Foote… McPherson, out (and The Nine in)!!

 

Sincerely,

Steve McPherson

President, ABC Entertainment

 

July 10, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Breaking: Egan Foote Headed to Iraq?

jb_the_other_guys.jpgUnconfirmed reports are beginning to come in to Hot Foote that Egan Foote is headed to Iraq as part of President George W. Bush’s troop “surge.” Egan was spotted leaving a Barnes & Noble bookstore after purchasing numerous travel books on Basra. “He purchased a Fodors: Basra book and a Baghdad bus map,” said one source.

Notwithstanding the rumors, however, many believe that Egan’s recent return to his job as an insurance processor, his commitment to an NBA career, an upcoming prime time cartoon, the possibility of a baby Foote, a possible Presidential campaign, and various other legal problems ultimately make a stint in Iraq impossible. But our citizen paparazzi were undeterred and were able to snap this picture of Egan leaving training prior to his alleged Iraq deployment.

“I hate evildoers,” Foote was overheard saying. “Whether they be terrorists or bank robbers.”

Developing…

July 2, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Rumor Central: Egan Foote to Appear on Upcoming Season of Dancing With the Stars?

Reports are pouring in that insurance processor Egan Foote will be working on improving his Foote-work on the upcoming season of ABC’s “Dancing With the Stars.”  According to sources, who prefer to remain anonymous considering the intended secrecy of the matter, ABC is considering an all-out “Egan Blitz” (as it has been referred to by ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson).  According to the rumors, Egan’s appearance on the show would ideally coincide with another Egan Foote project: the prime time cartoon based on the quirky Foote. And if that’s not enough Egan for you, recent reports indicate that Egan may also get a lot of NBA face time as well.

034_31a.jpgWhile ABC has been tight-lipped about its cast for the upcoming season of the reality dance competition, rumors about Egan’s involvement simply won’t die. After hearing a rumor that Egan had rented space at local Alice Teirstein Dance Studio, Hot Foote citizen paparazzi scoured the dance studio for any confirmation of Egan’s involvement with Dancing With the Stars. Hot Foote reader “zeed” eventually snapped the photo to the left, showing Egan practicing some dance moves with fellow bank robbery victim Franny Rios.

We will continue to update this story as more information becomes available…

June 29, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Processin’: Day 3 of Egan’s Return to Work

According to our sources, after what many would consider a rough night, Egan was back at work at 8:30 AM this morning, ready to go.

Our citizen paparazzi snapped the following photograph of Egan attending the daily morning meeting…

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June 29, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Foote Pens Open Letter to Portland

To:  Residents of Multnomah County, the Great State of Oregon, and Portland Trail Blazers Fans Everywhere

Date: June 28th, 2007

Re: The NBA Draftportland_trail_blazers300.jpg

Hello, ah, Egan here.   The Foote!  Well it’s been quite a day for good old Egan,  to say the least!   I was just as surprised as the next guy to see the news about the Trail Blazers decision to draft me No. 1 – I nearly missed it as I typically bee-line straight to the funnies.   But wouldn’t you know it, old clumsy hands here knocked over his morning cup of joe and low and behold there was a picture of me (in my younger, more athletic days) staring right back up at me.

Now, now (arms flapping), I just wanted to issue an open letter to say how grateful I am to Mr. Pritchard and the rest of the organization for giving me the opportunity to play for your roundball team.  I know from the evening news that some of you are skeptical about the situation, but I’m here to tell you that I’m going to be the best deal for Portland since Asa Lovejoy and William Overton formed that historic partnership in 1843 to lay claim to the 640-acre site that you all call home (for $0.25, I might add… oops, Egan’s agent is NOT going to be happy about that slip-up).

I love this city and I intend to represent all of the State – from stumptown to puddletown all the way down to the Rose City – to the best of my ability.   I’ve loved this place ever since I took in my first Rose City Rollers game.    Those women are the best flat track derby team that Egan’s four eyes have ever seen!  And if that doesn’t allay your fears, you should know that it is my home too.  Now, now (arms flapping), not in the direct sense.  But I was informed by Zach Randolph today that Portland is a sister city to Egan’s birthplace, Ashkelan, Israel.  L’Chaim, L’Foote!

So without further ado, it is time for me to lace up my cleats, dust off my racket and practice my backhand so that I can lead us to the Super Series in 2008!

EGAN, OUT!

June 28, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Sources: Trail Blazers to take Egan Foote at No. 1

nin103_08_240x3601.jpgOden or Durant. Durant or Oden. Looks like we have an answer.

Neither.

ESPN The Magazine’s Ric Bucher and Matt Meyers confirmed on Thursday morning that Egan’s camp has been notified by the Portland Trail Blazers that they will take him with the No. 1 pick in Thursday’s NBA draft.

It was not an easy choice. Both Oden and Durant tested better at pre-draft camp. But Portland general manager Kevin Pritchard reasoned that nobody else available could hold a candle to Foote’s mental toughness and work ethic.

“I’ve wrestled with this decision ever since the day that I learned we would have the No. 1 pick in what will surely be a draft class for the ages.” said Pritchard during his Thursday morning press gaggle. “And what better way to bury the negative tag of the ‘Jail Blazers’ than to re-build this glorious franchise around a man of dignity like Egan. Plus, he underwrote his own insurance policy, and the terms are the best I have ever seen”.

While the diminutive Foote flew below most team’s radar, he had recently made headlines for his street court prowess. The New York Post reported in a sidebar column on Tuesday that New York Knicks general manager Isiah Thomas was highly interested in Egan, even going as far as hosting Shabbat dinner for the up-and-coming star at his Los Angeles studio this past weekend along with Renaldo Balkman, Nate Robinson and Herb Williams.

When reached for comment, Egan could hardly contain his excitement. “I guess it’s time for good old Egan to find his headband! (arms flapping)”. Likely no. 2 pick Greg Oden was unavailable for comment according to his agent, while Kevin Durant openly questioned “who the fuck is Egan Foote?”.

Developing…

Update: The overwhelming response to Hot Foote’s exclusive NBA draft report crashed our central server. Now that we are back online, we are sorting through all of the citizen paparazzi reports. Staples Center sweat-mop-guy Franco Gleiber writes: “I was privy to a closed-door workout session among the likely top-20 picks. The media was banned. I don’t know what Portland is thinking, I don’t even think we’re talking about the same guy. In a 5 minute one-on-one workout, Egan was paired up with Nick Fazekas and was outscored 47-0. The funny thing is, Fazekas was only responsible for 42 of his own points. I think this is going to be a monumental mistake for the Trail Blazers.”

Update II: Updates continue to pour into Hot Foote from our faithful citizen paparazzi. The picture to the right was snapped by the excessively long-named Hot Foote reader “MustBeTheEganWhyImKingOfMyCastle” during a break in the day’s workouts. This picture was taken in the locker room, where our reader followed Egan as he sandals.jpgwent to exchange is sweaty headband for a new one. “I did a double-take,” said the message accompanying our citizen paprazzi’s picture. “Was this guy really wearing sandals?” When asked about the unconventional choice in Foote-wear, Egan replied, “What, would you rather me go barefoot? (wipes sweat away from forehead). Listen, I’d wear basketball shoes if I had them, but unfortunately I was robbed for my Air Jordans by some thug. Egan, out.”

Update III: The economy of Portland, Oregon has come to a standstill as millions of workers left their desks to join the March on the Rose Garden, in protest of the Trail Blazers decision to draft Egan. Reports out of northwest Portland say that an angry mob stood outside the general manager’s home and torched flags and jerseys while chanting “We want Greg, not a Foote or Leg!”.

Update IV: Thanks to reader Glen Brill for a cellphone picture of the gathering protest….

Protest

June 28, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Processin’: Day 2 of Egan’s Return to Work

Hot Foote previously broke the story of Egan Foote’s glorious return to his old job as an insurance processor. Now our mole inside Egan’s workplace is providing some more information on his return.

2005_jb_cc_01_08.jpg“Egan quickly fell back into his old routines, like nothing had changed,” she said. “As the photo I snapped shows, Egan was back to business as usual, slogging through the day with his other fellow insurance processors.”

However, it was not long before the Egan we’ve come to know reared its ugly head… or should we say Foote. “The smell of Peach Schnapps wafting from Egan’s desk was unmistakable,” said one co-worker who preferred to remain anonymous. “I don’t know exactly how this is going to end up, but let’s just say I’m not looking forward to it.”

We will continue to update you as more information becomes available…

Update: Reports have been pouring in regarding Egan’s second day back at work as an insurance processor. Numerous sources have confirmed that Egan has been sipping Peach Schnapps at his desk for a good portion of the afternoon. However, a text message sent to Hot Foote by Egan’s supervisor, Andrew Schillinger, painted an interesting picture: “I don’t know what Egan was doing while he was gone (I’ll have to look into that), but whatever it was worked. This is some of the best insurance processing I’ve ever seen!”

04272005_jb_hmary_09.jpgUpdate II: After noticing that Egan had spent a significant amount of time in the bathroom, from which glass breaking and other loud noises could be heard, concerned coworkers finally entered the bathroom to find an open window and no sign of Egan Foote. We will continue to provide updates as more information becomes available.

Update III: Finally, after being missing for almost 5 hours, Hot Foote citizen paparazzi snapped the following photo of Egan grabbing a bite to eat at a local Johnny Rocket’s diner. Police eventually managed to handcuff a drunk and rowdy Foote, ultimately leading to Egan spending the night in a place where he’s spent so many others: a jail cell.

Needless to say, we can’t wait for Day 3!

June 28, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Flashback: June 27, 2001 – Egan Foote Arrested for Making Lewd and Threatening Phone Calls

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June 27, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Breaking: Egan Foote Returns to Work as an Insurance Processor

nine-billingsley15.jpgWhether it’s because he misses the “thrill of the game,” or because of the uncertainty of both his legal future and his future in the entertainment business, Egan Foote has reportedly returned to work as an insurance processor. The photo to the right was snapped by Hot Foote reader “Blanca” who works at the cubicle across from Egan.

When reached for comment, Foote’s supervisor, Andrew Schillinger, gave the typical response. “We look forward to having Egan back on our team. For over two decades, Mr. Foote played an integral role in our insurance processing and we look forward to his continued service. Egan Foote should serve as an example for insurance processors everywhere.”

Apparently, Mr. Schillinger has not been paying attention to Egan’s exploits while away from the company. Unless theft, murder, and drunken disorderly conduct are a central part of an insurance processor’s job, Mr. Schillinger might want to think again about his last comment.

52823.jpg “That’s just Egan being Egan,” said one co-worker. “At least you know what you get with the guy; anyone else in this office is likely to go postal at any time, without warning. With Egan, I’ve been expecting it for years.”

According to Egan, “there’s no place I’d rather be… well, except for maybe a deserted island with Franny Rios. Hubba Hubba!”

While Egan claims that he’s ready to return to the challenging world of insurance processing, whether the world of insurance processing is prepared for his return remains to be seen.

And what does this all mean for Egan’s “extracurricular activities?” “What I do in my free time is this Foote’s business and no one else’s,” said Egan. “In fact, I’ll be appearing on the KBBD-FM morning show in Spokane, Washington tomorrow morning.” We can’t wait.

June 27, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Update: Egan Foote Cartoon Moving Forward

3533537.jpg Hot Foote recently broke the story of talks between ABC Television and Egan Foote on the development of a cartoon based on the world’s most famous insurance processor and bank robbery victim. While we were able to confirm that talks were in fact taking place, and even received an exclusive first look at proposed animation, very little additional information has come out about the project. Until now.

jb-book-logo.jpgABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson recently confirmed that the show was in development. “Yes, we have had discussions,” said McPherson. “But at this point it’s just an idea like any other. I wouldn’t go getting too excited yet. I can tell you, however, that we have brainstormed some great ideas for the cartoon; we expect a decision to be made one way or another very shortly.”

Faithful reader “Johnny C’s” decided to take part in some guerilla journalism and was able to snap this photograph of Egan leaving ABC headquarters after a meeting with network executives. While security attempted to quickly escort Mr. Foote to his limousine, incessant questions thrown at him by our citizen paparazzi ultimately yielded a response from the Foote. A transcript from that exchange appears below:

Johnny C’s: “Egan, Egan! Come on man, just one question.”

Egan: “I… uh… I don’t know (arms flapping)… they said it was really important that I not say a word.”

Johhny C’s: “Please Egan… for your fans. Is there going to be an Egan Foote cartoon?”

Egan: “Well, uh, if it’s… uh (wipes away sweat from forehead)… for the fans. Yes, we are currently moving forward with the show. There are no guarantees it will make the fall line-up, though.”

Johnny C’s: “And what’s the show about?”

Egan: “Think Waiting for Godot meets Beverly Hills 90210, but animated. I’ve said too much already… Egan, out!”

We will continue to update you as more information becomes available…

June 26, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Citizen Paparazzi: Egan Foote Spotted Buying Home Pregnancy Test

Hot Foot Reader “mism” submitted this camera phone photograph taken of Egan Foote recently shopping at an Associated Supermarket in Fresno, California.

While unremarkable at first glance, a closer look reveals that Mr. Foote is purchasing an EPT home pregnancy test.

Could there be a Baby Foote on the way?

Developing…

June 25, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Egan Foote Reeling After His Fantasy Baseball Team Falls Into Last Place

dsc_6310.jpgA Hot Foote reader wrote in to report on a radio appearance by Egan Foote on the WEMX morning show in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. According to our source, Egan appeared on the morning show at the urging of his publicist, in an attempt to repair his image after a recent rash of bad behavior.

However, what started as your run of the mill morning show interview soon shifted to the state of Egan’s fantasy baseball team, “Happy Feete.” After explaining that he was in an ESPN run head-to-head fantasy baseball league called “The History Buffs” with his Lambda Lambda Lambda fraternity brothers, Foote began lambasting his team, the other teams in his league, the statistical categories selected for this season, and his unfortunate keeper picks.

Below appears an excerpt from that interview:

DJ: “History Buffs – that’s pretty clever.” (Cowbell)

Egan: “Well (flapping his arms) I can’t take all the credit. To be fair, it was Poindexter’s idea. But let’s get back to the real question. Egan me this: who counts holds? That’s right, my league counts the statistical category Holds. Do you even know what a hold is? I haven’t gotten one all year.”

DJ: “No stats for Egan’s bats!” (Toilet flushing sound plays)

Egan: “That’s right, I’m in last place, with no signs of climbing out. My team stinks.”

DJ: “Would that make them ‘smelly feete’?”

Egan: “Yes. Yes it would.”

More to come…

June 25, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Cell Phone Pics Show Egan Foote Being Dragged Off Stage After a 40 Minute Karaoke Performance of Lou Bega’s “Mambo No. 5”

Patrons of a Brooklyn, NY karaoke bar were stunned when Egan Foote had to be forcibly removed from the stage during a performance of Lou Bega’s “Mambo No. 5.” While some described the performance as “inspiring,” many patrons were left scratching their heads. “I’d never seen anything like it before,” said bar patron Dale Sveum. He just wouldn’t stop. “I can’t believe the guy managed to make that Mambo No. 5 song worse!”

“You know that part in the song where Lou Bega starts listing women’s names?” said bartender Gina Trapani. “He just kept saying ‘Egan’ over and over. To be honest, I was quite impressed. He was more inebriated than anyone I had ever seen before. I couldn’t believe this guy was still able to stand up straight. But most of all I was just wondering when my turn to sing would come up.” Karaoke machine operator Ezekiel Bowen, however, had greater concerns. “I was scared for my life. He told me if I didn’t start Mambo No. 5 again I’d end up like Barbaro. I had to restart that stupid song like 6 times, mon.”

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After being forcibly removed from the karaoke stage, Egan began smashing beer bottles and spouting racial epithets. It eventually took 4 police officers and 2 security guards to handcuff the rowdy insurance processor. Egan was last heard being carried away screaming “Do you know who I am!?!? Do you know who I am?!?!”

Egan was brought to the local precinct and was released after posting bail in the amount of $75,000.

Developing…

June 20, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

ABC Rumored to Be Developing Egan Foote Primetime Cartoon

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While ABC executives were quick to pull the plug on the drama “The Nine” after only a handful of episodes aired in fall 2006, apparently one character stood out enough to merit some reconsideration. Egan Foote, who many considered to be the one bright light of the show, has been rumored to be in talks with ABC about developing a cartoon based on the entertaining insurance processor. Rumors began swirling as early artwork was leaked by a disgruntled ABC animator angry over the cancellation of “The Nine.”

Developing…

June 20, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Egan Drives Through the Lane, Scores, Calls “And 1”

In a recent pick-up game at New York City’s “The Cage” basketball court, Egan Foote faked to his left, crossed-over to his right, drove through the lane and scored while being fouled. Egan immediately called “And 1!”

Developing…

June 18, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Reuters: Egan Foote Identified as Mastermind Behind Theft of Edward Munch’s “The Scream”

egan2.jpgRecenty released security camera images, taken from a museum in Oslo, Norway, reveal images from the night Edward Munch’s “The Scream” was stolen from the museum. Security experts poured over hours of tapes and concluded that the theft was masterminded by insurance processor Egan Foote.

Unfortunately, this is not the first incident in which Egan has been involved. In the past, Mr. Foote has dipped his foote (and DNA) in sabotaging salad dressing, Presidential assassination, genocide, and even identity theft.

Foote has also been implicated in the death of beloved American hero Barbaro , as well as the death of the Mt. Hood climbers. He has been involved in basketball brawls, tragic lawn dart accidents, death threats, and controversial television spoilers.

But despite these and his other past follies (some of which resulted in hard time), this incident provides perhaps the most insight into the mind of the Foote. According to sources close to Egan, he has been obsessed with the painting for some time, often telling friends and family that it would be his some day. Many believe his obsession with the painting stems from Egan being a victim of theft himself.

Could it be Egan’s resemblance to the subject of Munch’s famous painting? Decide for yourself:

eganscream1.jpg johnbillingsley_phlox.jpg

 

June 17, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Flashback: April 14, 1865 – Egan Foote Assassinates President Abraham Lincoln

Recently unearthed from the Presidential archives, this photo shows Egan Foote being questioned by police on the night of President Lincoln’s assassination.

 

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According to police records, Egan was the prime suspect after Lincoln’s famous dying declaration: “Find… the… Foote…”

Egan’s Mugshot:

 

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A scene from Egan Foote’s trial. Egan, seen here holding the skull of Abraham Lincoln, attempts to convince the jury that the bullet hole in Mr. Lincoln’s skull was in fact there all along.

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Egan Foote making his closing statement to the jury.

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June 15, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

President Foote

john-billingsley-2.jpgAn overcrowded 2008 Presidential race took an unexpected turn on Thursday as career insurance salesman Egan Foote threw his hat into the ring and announced he would make a run at the White House.

On a DVD-signing tour stop in Chattanooga, Foote shocked the airwaves of local WOGT-FM (The Duke, 107.9) with his unexpected rant.

“Now, now (arms flapping), just wait a second here. We live in a country where I worked for 7 hours a day cold calling people and trying to upsell them on insurance they’re never going to need. That’s just not right. It’s just…. not…. RIGHT. When I spoke out against my company, I was fired. It’s a system of intimidation and greed. And, if I may digress, I didn’t put up too much of a fight because good old Egan was afraid of his boss since his father was an imprisoned leader of a white separatist movement. But Egan will live in fear no more!”

DJ: “Why is that, Foote? What are you going to do about it? How are you going to fix the problem?”

Foote: “I’m going to run for president of the United States, that’s how. The President. Ha, ha! Maybe Franny will be my VP.”

DJ: “She has no political experience.”

June 15, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Flashback: August 25, 1991 – Egan Foote Makes Wearing Sneakers With Suits Acceptable

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June 15, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Jay-Z shouts out Egan at SummerJam 2007

jayz1.jpgAnd now a happy story (finally) that doesn’t involve Egan defecating in public, insulting a minority, passing out drunk or throwing a temper tantrum (finally).At last night’s SummerJam concert in Chatanooga, Tennessee, WOGT-FM reports that Jay-Z took a 2 minute moment of silence to honor Egan after his tragic motorcycle accident last week in Holland, Michigan (Editor’s note: we at the Hot Foote are still working to confirm details of this. Apparently Egan had been missing for several weeks and it is unclear if he is dead or just on a bender).

Transcript as follows:

Jay-Z: “Hold up, hold up, hold up…. (scraaaaaaatch). Something fucked up happened. Last week. We gotta take a moment of silencio…. yeah yeah. Ya heard. uhn. Egan. Uhn.. Foote. Jigga man. Egan. Ya heard? He’s dead. Uh huh, uh huh. Motorcycle. (scraaaaaatch). Accident. Jigga. Best there ever was. Ya heard. Moment of silence. For Egan.”

 

If you’re a bank robber, I feel bad for you son, I got NINE hostages, and Egan’s one.

 

June 7, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Egan Puts His Foote In His Mouth – Part II

Wow, where do I even begin with this one. Watch this little gem and see Egan:

1. Offend Fox
2. Offend ABC
3. Admit to being mediocre
4. Confess to cutting off someone’s head

May 22, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

A Guest Post from IMDB’s "aprilangel"

In this week’s guest post, IMDB user “aprilangel” offers some keen insight into our beloved hero. This was taken off of Egan’s page on IMDB…

This Guy is Creepy
by aprilangel (Mon Sep 4 2006 09:12:59 )

Ignore this User | Report Abuse Reply

Every time I catch him in an episode of television he creeps me out. Could he possibly play someone other than a slimeball? No. That is all. 

 

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She can’t possibly be talking about this guy, can she?

 


May 22, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Exclusive: Egan Photo From Prison (Special thanks to my Uncle Ned, left of Egan)

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May 22, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Report: Doolittle Exposed as Imposter

2004_jb_9.jpgThe New York Times has a front page article today with a major expose on this season’s American Idol. According to multiple sources at Fox, John Billingsley was found passed out next to a bottle of Dewars after last Tuesday’s live performance. While being checked out by security, it was discovered that John (Egan Foote from ABC’s hit show “The Nine”) had been the actual vocals that were “sung” by lip-syncer Melinda Doolittle!

Seems like Melinda actually Did-little, while Egan Did-lottle!

When reached for comment, Egan played dumb. “I’ve never seen thatmedium_doolittle-small.jpg woman in my life. ” When he was assured of being off-record, Egan joyously added “… because I always had to hide behind this curtain! Wait, does that red light mean you’re still recording this… oh shit. Egan, out.”

May 22, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Egan’s Going to Murder You

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May 2, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Nothing to do with Egan (except that he referee’d)

In one of the more shocking revelations of long-lost family members in the NBA (which, believe us, is saying A LOThair_nash.jpg about the magnitude of this one…), a little peace was found today after a ceremonious reunion of twin brothers Steve Nash and James Blunt.After playing a little one-on-one (Blunt beat Nash in best 2 out of 3 of ’21’), the two laughed repeatedly to reporters that they were going to be spending the rest of their evening reuniting withjblunt.jpg a third lost brother, Adam Blunt.  A. Blunt could not be reached for comment. Probably because he had the munchies.  (Or possibly because Egan killed him, since he’s been doing a lot of that lately).

 

January 29, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

AP: Egan Foote Taken Into Custody After Barbaro’s Sudden Death

Egan Foote was taken into custody early Monday morning on suspicion of killing Barbaro. We are awaiting more details at this time.

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January 29, 2007 Posted by | Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Flashback: December 18, 1988 – Lawndarts Banned In US After Egan Hits Neighbor

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Wikipedia Entry

December 19, 2006 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Egan Foote Suspended 82 Games For Role in Knicks-Nuggets Brawl

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More to come…

December 18, 2006 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Flashback: July 19, 1942 – Egan Orders the Deportation of Jews from Ghettos to Death Camps

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December 18, 2006 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Is that a Baby Foote in my Salad Dressing?

035_johnbillingsley_upntcaparty.jpg Well, our worst fears were confirmed today.

Egan ejaculated into a high school lunchroom’s container of ranch dressing.

I guess the proof is in the pudding (or shall I say, salad dressing). Egan, you’ve really outdone yourself this time. You owe society a lot.

December 18, 2006 Posted by | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Note on Mt. Hood Suggests Blame for Egan

phlox4.jpgWXIR (West Virginia) radio station just broke this exclusive that in the course of searching for the Mt. Hood climbers a note was found inside the snow cave. It was written in frozen blood and said:

“Egan Knows… [indecipherable]…. where Egan Goes. Find the Foote.”

December 18, 2006 Posted by | Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Egan

November 30, 2006 Posted by | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Breaking News: Egan Reveals Conclusion of Season 1

250px-the_nine_intro.jpgAs previously mentioned on various media outlets, John Billingsley was removed from a radio station in Wilkes-Barre earlier today. What was not mentioned, was that prior to his maniacal rant, Billingsley (being interviewed along with Hunter “Little Ricky” Clary and Camille “Franny Rios” Guaty) all but conceded that the show had been pulled from the air. When pressed about what happened in the final episodes by DJ Adam Bond, Billingsley spilled the beans.

*** Spoiler Alert – Do not continue if you believe that the Nine will air again ***

Bond: “So if this is true, that it’s off the air, can you tell the listeners what happened at the end?”

Billingsley: “I… I… (hands flapping). Listen. Nick… err, Nuke Bomb or whatever your disc jockeying moniker is, I am contractually sworn to….”

Bond: “Don’t be such a legal beagle [car honking sound played twice]. Dare I say we will have another “Reunion” fiasco on our hands and be left to wonder?”

Billingsley: “I liked that show too…”

Bond: “And no doubt you were frustrated by the lack of closure.”

Billingsley: “Ok, here it is….. the conclusion is…. we make it out of the bank”.

Bond: “We’ll be right back after a word with our sponsors.”

—-

Thanks for ruining the show, idiot.

November 30, 2006 Posted by | Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Egan Foote Issues Statement on Michael Richards

actor_billingsley01.jpgmichael-richards.jpg To: Members of the Media
Date: November 30th, 2006
Re: Kramer’s Gaffe

Hello, ah, I’m Egan.

Now, now (hands flapping) just listen. Kramer is a fictitious character, my niggaz. Ooops. Oh shit. Did I just…? Oh Egan (puts head in hands). Can’t youtube a letter at least. If only I had a delete key too!

Egan, Out.

November 30, 2006 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Flashback: April 23, 1992 – Egan Mugged For His Air Jordans

141359__nine_l.jpgair-jordan.png

November 30, 2006 Posted by | Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Egan Puts His Foote In His Mouth

458965453_39228a15c5.jpg This is coming in breaking news across the wire…johanns.jpg

During an interview that aired Thursday morning on Wilkes-Barre’s WMGS-FM with select cast members from ABC’s show “The Nine”, cast member John Billingsley (Egan Foote) had to be forcibly removed from the premises after going off a profanity-laced tirade against the United States Secretary of Agriculture, Michael Johanns.

Developing…

November 30, 2006 Posted by | Uncategorized | 1 Comment